A negative couple of days. Lots and lots of tears.
I just feel powerless to do anything. I suppose the reality of the decree nisi is setting in. The future is so bloody bleak it doesn’t bear thinking about – which is what I am trying to stop doing. But it seems to fill my every waking moment.
I read and re-read my stash of post it notes. And plough through the books which should be helping but I seem to have hit a bit of a wall.
It is only a piece of paper. But it seems to loom large. It seems to matter.
I wish – oh how I wish – this other woman would dump him – or that he would realise that ” The grass isn’t greener!” Maybe he will but maybe he won’t.
I am definitely not doing well at the moment. My great Positive mood seems to have deserted me.
I really hate waking up and finding him not there beside me. To curl up next to and meet the new day with.
This is so devastating.
I know I originally named this blog “I will survive” with the sole intention of making sure I would. Now don’t get me wrong – I would love to feel that was achievable – and deep down something inside me tells me it has to be. I just WISH I KNEW HOW.
Small steps Caroline. Just take small steps.
I promised myself this blog would map my progress so I could look back on how I got on. Well I have to include the set backs as well as the forward steps.
Why I am in this mood I have no idea. Alex is out of the country at the moment. I just hope he is giving all this as much thought as I am. But then I doubt it as if he was then maybe he wouldn’t be doing what he has.
Still a new day has dawned. The sky is clearing. It is a Saturday. I am meeting a friend for coffee this morning.
I am a fit woman. I don’t have any terminal illness (as far as I know). There are people who are far far worse off than me. I know I need to count my blessings. I just wish I had one more blessing than I do!!
And by the way I am NOT a selfish demanding person – at least I don’t think so! I am – I hope – a caring, lovely, kind person. Who just happens to be deeply in love with her soon-to-be ex-husband – who is sadly besotted with someonelse.
I think I had better stop this ramble now before I wear us all out!