God this is tough

A negative couple of days.  Lots and lots of tears.

I just feel powerless to do anything.  I suppose the reality of the decree nisi is setting in.  The future is so bloody bleak it doesn’t bear thinking about – which is what I am trying  to stop doing.  But it seems to fill my every waking moment.

I read and re-read my stash of post it notes.  And plough through the books which should be helping but I seem to have hit a bit of a wall.

It is only a piece of paper.  But it seems to loom large.  It seems to matter.

I wish – oh how I wish – this other woman would dump him – or that he would realise that  ” The grass isn’t greener!”  Maybe he will but maybe he won’t.

I am definitely not doing well at the moment.  My great Positive mood seems to have deserted me.

I really hate waking up and finding him not there beside me.  To curl up next to and meet the new day with.

This is so devastating.

I know I originally named this blog “I will survive”  with the sole intention of making sure I would.  Now don’t get me wrong – I would love to feel that was achievable – and deep down something inside me tells me it has to be.  I just WISH I KNEW HOW.

Small steps Caroline.  Just take small steps.

I promised myself this blog would map my progress so I could look back on how I got on.  Well I have to include the set backs as well as the forward steps.

Why I am in this mood I have no idea.  Alex is out of the country at the moment.   I just hope he is giving all this as much thought as I am.  But then I doubt it as if he was then maybe he wouldn’t be doing what he has.

Still a new day has dawned.  The sky is clearing.  It is a Saturday.  I am meeting a friend for coffee this morning.

I am a fit woman.  I don’t have any terminal illness (as far as I know).  There are people who are far far worse off than me.  I know I need to count my blessings.  I just wish I had one more blessing than I do!!

And by the way I am NOT a selfish demanding person – at least I don’t think so!  I am – I hope – a caring, lovely, kind person.  Who just happens to be deeply in love with her soon-to-be ex-husband – who is sadly besotted with someonelse.

I think I had better stop this ramble now before I wear us all out!

2 thoughts on “God this is tough

  1. Hi Caroline
    Read your blog this morning – like you am 50s female blogging to get stuff out of my system – I wish you the best

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