It’s as though some demon within Alex has taken over and killed off all the fun we had, the laughter, the adventure, the closeness we had – which we did – and all the good has been blocked out by some terrible ‘cancer’ which seems to have taken him over and enveloped him in a childlike, all-consuming rewrite of the past.
He doesn’t even seem to remember the closeness we did have. It’s as though that never happened. Which is not true – it did. I know I haven’t rewritten history. I know there were moments when it wasn’t good – when we lost the closeness. But there were masses and masses of times (Over 90% of the time) of genuine love and affection and intimacy – amazing moments of wonder. It is not possible for me to have had those moments when he didn’t.
I wouldn’t have stayed if the good hadn’t outweighed the not-so-good to the extent he claims.
He can’t even justify any of the closeness we had as genuine – all he seems to be able to do now is to turn those times (which were many) into him feeling he didn’t want to hurt me. It’s as though admitting it to himself is just too scary. He is more comfortable with his new version of the past. Perhaps that way it is easier to justify his actions to himself.
I know I did trade some of my values and allowed Security to be the prime one – which it isn’t for me. But even that was OK – actually more than OK. We had a day-to-day closeness (especially when we were on our own) which was incredibly peaceful and happy.
I know I fixed – which I hate. I know I took over at times. But I’ve spent this evening looking back at the emails and texts I had from him before we split up and they are full of love and affection. He sent those willingly. No one forced him.
I know the last 12 – 18 months we were together were wrong. That’s when I was at my most fearful and ‘fixing’. And yes there were moments when I wondered if he was happy before that but they never seemed to last and for the majority of the time he seemed happy. He acted happy.
And now he seems to be caught up in a childlike rush round the countryside trying new things and behaving as if distraction activities are all that matter. This is what Growth means to him – he even said this to me. It means joining new clubs, trying new hobbies. To me he’s behaving like a teenager does when they first discover their feet as an adult. Trying and discarding things – picking things out of the ‘activities toy box’. Nowhere in his mind does Growth have any meaning in a relationship. Perhaps that’s too adult a concept for him to understand. It would explain why he was so surprised that I was angry when he told me he had made love to that Other Woman. Why he was shaken when I threw my wedding ring at him – and behaved as though I shouldn’t mind.
The Child in him has taken over and absorbed his mind. The Man has been buried.
He has turned our marriage into a sham. Which it wasn’t. And that hurts so much.
I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to have given my love, my life and all that I am to have it thrown back in my face by the man I love to the very core of my being and to be told it meant nothing to him.
Why Dear God did I end up falling in love with a man who didn’t understand the true meaning of the word and all it entailed. Why Dear God did I fall in love with someone who is so mixed up and why am I having to suffer as a consequence. That’s what I want and need to know.