I have a level of peace

I have just been talking to our life and relationship coach and now at last I understand that there really was and is nothing I can do until Alex knows  what he wants and needs his life to be.

The phone call was incredibly special.  I cried a lot.  But I now have a strange peace.  I can think to the future again.  Something I couldn’t do last night or earlier today.

I know I can come through this – I am doing so already.  I can rerun my ‘new future’ exercise again and have just done so and it is beginning to work again.  I can stop looking back and look forwards.

This man is brilliant at his job.  And to give his time on a Sunday is so caring of him.  I am so glad I found him as his help has been amazing.

I really believed no one could get me out of my Ground Hog Day existence, my own private Chilean Mine.  I didn’t believe anyone was drilling an escape shaft.  Of course they couldn’t – I had to drill my own  – and Stephen provided me with the tools.

Strange coincidence

I have always promised myself this blog would be my diary of what happens to me, my thoughts – however bizarre, and the actions I take and what I experience.

So that being said I am sticking to the promise I made to myself:

So having hardly slept last night I returned to bed this morning and read.

I have always wished I could believe – as Lorne Byrne clearly does – in all that is in her book “Angels in my Hair”.  But I am clearly interested because I recently bought her 2nd book “Stairways to Heaven” – which I picked up to read just now.

So how come  within the first couple of minutes I ended up reading the following passage:

“Let another man into your life and let him love you”

I know I have to do that.  It made me cry all the more but a strange peace has come over me since.

Life is full of co-incidences which none of us can explain.

After all what made me take a step into the unknown and Google for a Life Coach back in August.

What fortune pushed me in his direction.  Because he has helped so much.  And he is helping Alex so much as well. So he has been good for both of us.

And although I  know that Alex and I really don’t have a future now, somehow there is a comfort in knowing he is helping Alex to find himself and come to terms with the person he is.

Maybe there is a power somewhere that does help us find our right destiny and maybe the pain is part of the journey we have to take to reach the right one for each of us as individuals.

Do I believe in Angels?  For one sudden moment about an hour ago I did.  Maybe because that’s what I needed to believe. Maybe because I wanted to.  Maybe because there are.

I never thought of myself as spiritual.  Logic tells me that we are just animals on this planet with more intelligence than the rest.  And intelligence tells me that this is it and no more.

But life is strange and is full of  almost unexplained coincidences like the one I experienced this morning.

This is SO unfair

It’s as though some demon within Alex has taken over and killed off  all the fun we had, the laughter, the adventure, the closeness we had  – which we did  – and  all  the good has been blocked out by some terrible ‘cancer’ which seems to have taken him over and enveloped him in  a childlike, all-consuming rewrite of the past.

He doesn’t even seem to remember the closeness we did have.  It’s as though that never happened.  Which is not true – it did.  I know I haven’t rewritten history.  I know there were moments when it wasn’t good – when we lost the closeness.  But there were masses and masses of  times (Over 90% of the time) of genuine love and affection and intimacy – amazing moments of wonder.  It is not possible for me to have had those moments when he didn’t.

I wouldn’t have stayed if the good hadn’t outweighed the not-so-good to the extent he claims.

He can’t even justify any of the closeness we had as genuine – all he seems to be able to do now is to turn those times (which were many)  into him feeling he didn’t want to hurt me.  It’s as though admitting it to himself is just too scary.  He is more comfortable with his new version of the past.  Perhaps that way it is easier to justify his actions to himself.

I know I did trade some of my values and allowed Security to be the prime one – which it isn’t for me.  But even that was OK – actually more than OK.  We had a day-to-day closeness (especially when we were on our own) which was incredibly peaceful and happy.

I know I fixed – which I hate.  I know I took over at times.  But I’ve spent this evening looking back at the emails and texts I had from him before we split up and they are full of love and affection.  He sent those willingly.  No one forced him.

I know the  last 12 – 18 months we were together were wrong.  That’s when I was at my most fearful and ‘fixing’.  And yes there were moments when I wondered if he was happy before that but  they never seemed to last and for the majority of the time he seemed happy.  He acted happy.

And now he seems to be caught up in a childlike rush round the countryside trying new things and behaving as if distraction activities are all that matter.  This is what Growth means to him – he even said this to me. It means joining new clubs, trying new hobbies.    To me he’s behaving like a teenager does when they first discover their feet as an adult.  Trying and discarding things – picking things out of the ‘activities toy box’.  Nowhere in his mind does Growth have any meaning in a relationship.  Perhaps that’s too adult a concept for him to understand.  It would explain why he was so surprised that I was angry when he told me he had made love to that Other Woman.  Why he was shaken when I threw my wedding ring at him – and behaved as though I shouldn’t mind.

The Child in him has taken over and absorbed his mind.  The Man has been buried.

He has turned our marriage into a sham. Which it wasn’t.  And that hurts so much.

I don’t deserve this.  I don’t deserve to have given my love, my life and all that I am to have it thrown back in my face by the man I love to the very core of my being and to be told it meant nothing to him.

Why  Dear God did I end up falling in love with a man who didn’t understand the true meaning of the word and all it entailed.  Why Dear God did I fall in love with someone who is so mixed up and why am I having to suffer as a consequence.  That’s what I want and need to know.

So now I know

I was hoping for a miracle.  And miracles don’t happen.  At least not in my world.

Why, Dear God, did I have to fall in love with someone who actually can’t love me back.  Maybe he can’t love anyone – not truly and deeply and unconditionally as I love him.

So having spent 4 hours with our Life Coach this afternoon, he has just left here saying he really doesn’t want to even  find out if we have a future or not and is walking away – for good this time.

I feel as though I have been pitchforked back 18  months, back into my dark pit of misery.  Back to screaming at the walls, clutching my teddy bear and sobbing my heart out.

Dear God why did I build my hopes on such a flimsy chance.  But I did.  So I will have to live through it – all over again.  The shock is horrific.  The pain unbelievable. The hollow horror the same as before.

And this time I can’t even tell anyone as they won’t understand why I did it.  And I can’t face that.  Not now.

I weep and – right now – I see no escape.

3.00am ramble

Yes I know it’s nearly 3.00am!  I am hoping by writing all this down I can get some sleep.

Alex said on Weds afternoon  that there was a lack of intimacy in our marriage. And yes there was.

All I ever wanted was to be looked after and loved but I have been searching deep into how I really felt and right from the start he ‘abdicated’.  And he pushed me into the role of ‘controller’ from the start.  And it wasn’t one I wanted to be in.

He abdicated throughout our engagement.  In fact I very nearly broke it off – more than once.  As he seemed like a trapped animal.  He didn’t want to be involved.  He took no positive role.  I told him the other day that I actually believed he wouldn’t turn up to our wedding.  This appears to be very significant to me as I keep thinking about it.

He always wanted me to sort things out and ‘take charge’.  So I did.  I know this sounds as if I am trying to defend the ‘fixing me’ – maybe I am.  But I know I have never liked being that.  I suppose I ended up doing it as I thought that’s what he wanted.

And I think I ended up allowing Security to come to the top of my values list as at least I had that and as I can easily feel insignificant then Security was a good trade.  I often wondered if he really loved me.  He said he did but he didn’t often show it in the way I needed.

So I feel he put me in the role of ‘mother’ very early on.  And I didn’t know why  – and he didn’t know either as he hadn’t come to terms with the way his mother controlled him.

It hurt so much as I did and do love him very deeply,  but I felt excluded – pushed away.  I think he did/does love me – maybe more than he realises – but until he can genuinely let go and let me in then I know we don’t have a future.

He said I didn’t let him look after me.  He’s right of course. I didn’t – I was far too entrenched in being in control.

I just wish we could sort all this out as I feel I am standing on the edge of something so special – I am willing to take the next step but I don’t know if he is.

Love and anguish

So Alex came round to see me yesterday afternoon – to talk – again.

Actually he came round to tell me  he definitely did not want to be with me ever again.

Then somehow we got talking and crying (both of us) and he ended up giving me a lovely long hug.  We hugged for over an hour.

I just feel numb now.

If this really is it and it is over then I don’t want to see him again – ever – it’s the only way I will truly get over this  – and I told him so.

I was / am prepared to go through the next stage of the relationship coaching to help us as a couple but he has to want to too and be totally committed to it and I don’t think he is.

He also said all he ever wanted to do was look after me.  And I know I stopped him doing that when actually all I ever wanted was to be looked after.  Oh God why didn’t I trust him. Why did I do it all wrong.

(he did confirm one thing I know about myself  – I don’t listen – as in truly listen.  But then he didn’t talk….)