About eight weeks ago I was in a place that I knew I could no longer tolerate. Moving out of it was so daunting, so terrifying that actually doing something about it was almost too much to handle.
I KNEW, I couldn’t go on. That is when I decided I would try Life Coaching. I had tried just about everything else!!
To be totally frank and honest the first 4 sessions were interesting but I began to wonder if there was any point. I can’t say I enjoyed them – in fact, on a couple of occasions, I very nearly “bolted” and gave up. I cried quite a bit as I discovered versions of me that I wasn’t that comfortable with.
However session number 5 proved to be a breakthrough.
The thunder cloud that had lived over my head for the last 18 months started to lift, the sky started to clear and a patch of blue appeared on the horizon.
I slept – dear reader – I slept! For the first time in 18 months I have slept for 6 nights out of the last 7!! And together with the sleep, the turmoil, the angst is at last going. I am finally getting my life back.
My future definitely has the chance of being “Orange” as the advert used to say!
I do feel that a very large weight has been removed from my head!
As to my future with Alex. I now see that either future has to be acceptable. Yes it is still indescribably sad that our marriage has come to an end. But I can only be responsible for me and my future.
I have to cut us free. Stop this state of limbo. And I have to tell him! Tough. But I can’t go on any longer deciding that I will make my mind up on some fictitious date in the future which I then don’t stick to!. Finally the present has caught up with the future. The future is now and now is when I have to do it. And he is going to miss out big time on my future!!! Of that I am determined.
This week’s homework is to set myself some goals. I have decided to create two lists. Short term goals and long term – higher flying ones!
Already I have one short-term goal: To hold a thank you dinner party for all those friends who have fed me, propped me up and listened to my interminable mutterings as I have struggled to find my route out the pit I was in. And it will be a fun party. We will have food, drink and music!
I am well aware I am not through all the angst yet- not totally. But at least now I can see the possibilities! And at last I seem to be able to stop myself going back to the horrors that my mind seemed to churn through at 3.00am! At last I seem to be able to control my mind!
So I am glad I took that leap into the unknown. I know I have a brighter future. I know I can be the me I want to be!
Good grief!!! What a day!
HUGS TO ME!!