And it is! But sometimes it has to be to work.
Yesterday was really tough. I cried a lot. I cried on the way home. In fact I cried most of the day.
But he was right. I had to face the truth. The deep down truth. The truth that I had blocked out, that I didn’t want to face, that I had avoided. That Alex had lied and cheated and that I had let him do so. By not standing up to him in the beginning (and I didn’t because I didn’t want to lose him) I allowed the situation to carry on. He soon realised (if not consciously then sub-consciously) that he could do what he liked and ‘get away with it’. And I’ve lost him anyway. So what did I gain? Probably just extra months of heartache.
I will never understand why the man I married did this to me. But I am beginning to accept I may never know. Maybe he doesn’t even know himself.
So why did I cry. I think from honest grieving at the end of my marriage. Maybe it’s part of the final letting go and looking forward.
One of my fears – the strongest – is being on my own. I really do hate being on my own. But – as was pointed out to me yesterday – I have been on my own for the last 20 months. Now all I have to do is ‘be on my own’ and ‘be happy’. And I have been happy these last 3 weeks (mostly). Some days I have been outrageously happy. So I can be both. I just need to get used to it! And NOT look backwards.
So the tears are for sadness – incredible sadness – not misery.
And I must be doing something right as – despite all these roller-coaster moments – I am sleeping. The mental turmoil has gone.