The only person who can do this is me

The only person who can live my life is me.  I can’t abdicate that responsibility to anyone else.  Not to my friends, work, my brothers – not to anyone.

But I feel as though I have been searching all week for someone to wave a magic wand and put me in a new future which I want and will enjoy. To live my life for me.  Test it out and then put me in it as the solution.

But I know I  have to do this myself.  I am in charge of my magic wand. And I am the only person who can wave it.  I have to find the courage, honesty, respect for myself, security and certainty within myself which will give me the belief that I can do it.  To give me that freedom that won’t hold me back. Which will give me the ability to fly.

I have – I know – abdicated all week.  I have found it too difficult. I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed by uncertainty.   I have wanted someone to take the decision for me so I can just follow.  But I know that’s not what I really want – not deep down.

I can do better than this.  I want to do better than this.  I wish I didn’t lose the plot with such ease and then give up.  Why do I hate looking forwards and love looking back.  This is so stupid.

Why can’t  I do what is so obvious a child of 6 would see it!

I have to be me and live my life to the full.  I don’t want to end up with regrets and unfulfilled dreams. But I am so in danger of doing so.

My video!

So my wonderful neighbour delivered the DVD last night  of the speech I made at my party the other evening.  We watched it together – not something I enjoyed too much.  Apart from the fact that I look about 20 years older than I am I wanted to march over to myself and tell me to stand up straight, drop my shoulders and stop waving my arms about!  And for goodness sake put some weight on!  I am way too thin.

But actually I’ve now watched it again – with a girl at work – and I am quite pleased.  It is a brilliant record of how I really feel and what I have been through.  So useful as a reminder when I get low – as I have been the last few days.

I seem very stuck in a low this week.  Even going out isn’t helping me think of other things and so sleep when I get home.  I really thought I’d conquered all this – as I have said on so many occasions.  But I don’t appear to have.  And I am getting so desperately tired as a result

And the snow doesn’t help. Snow has too many sad associations.  Alex announced he was leaving on a day when we were snowed in.  I think it was even snowing on the day he left.  I used to like snow!  Not now.

So Focus and Goals seem a bit unattainable just now.  Which is a waste of the Coaching I am getting.  I am supposed to be taking this all on board and working at it  – and then progressing – not dismissing it.  I am not doing myself any favours by being like this.

This is like doing A Levels every day!

(Lunch time update!!)

This is like doing A Levels every day! At least that’s what it feels like!

And my A Level subject seems to be “Focus and Goals” – which I don’t seem to be getting very good marks for!    I appear to lack determination & courage and I have attention deficit as well!

If I don’t concentrate morning, noon and night on this I bounce back and go ‘all negative’ and weepy and pathetic – in a general sort of  “feeling sorry for myself” sort of way!

It’s like trying to run up  a down escalator!

I appear to be into analogies today!  OK I know – I’m tired!

I’m sure other people don’t find this as hard as I am doing.  They can’t can they?  If they do then I feel for them.  But I really thought I was over this bit and looking forward and everything.  Perhaps it is 2 steps forward, one step back.

And I’m not going to get good marks for my Life Coaching homework this week either!  A possble E for Effort is all I reckon!

AND another thing:  What really wound me up this weekend was  the reaction I got from my so called nearest and dearest relaions when I told them I’d spent the week finalising my divorce.

The only comments were

From my brother “Good that means we can now get on with the finances for the house”

And my sister-in-law:

“Well at least you can now move on”. 

As if I was going to get into my car and drive off up the road leaving all the  turmoil behind.  NOT ONE WORD OF UNDERSTANDING did I get.  Not even a hint!  Not from either of them    I didn’t expect sympathy but the odd comment like

“Gosh you must have had a tough week – bad luck”  would have been quite nice!

Hey ho!  I suppose I didn’t really expect anything so human from them.  They are as icy as the weather.

(Sorry but ranting is good!!  And clearly I still need to have a rant!)

Finding the version of me

Which will give me the best future. The one where I will grow and be the free, successful person  – that’s the difficult thing.

What’s made me say this now.  I’ve been reading my life coach’s web pages.

I keep feeling I’m letting myself down.  Or do I?  Am I being too tough on myself.

No I don’t think so.  It’s all a bit confusing at times.

And I didn’t do as much as I should have done today. I ended up staying in this afternoon (after a short walk) and reading and editing my story.  It needs a great deal of work on it still before I dare try and tout it round a few publishers.  So I worked on it.  Which was good. After all I’ve set that as one of my goals.

So perhaps I am being too harsh with myself!

I let myself down at weekends

Firstly I realise this blog is becoming somewhat repetitive!

I had a read through last night and I do seem to go over and over the same ground – again and again!   (See I am good at repeating myself – even in one post!)

Still I suppose it’s my blog and I can do what I want to –  but it is  getting a bit tedious – and dull.

I rather think I am leading a rather tedious and dull life.  I know I am not including a lot of what I do day-to-day.  Perhaps I should.  It would make it a great deal more interesting to read!

Still as I have no clue as to how many people actually read any of it – I can be as repetitive and tedious as I like!

So how do I feel about weekends.  Well I realise I spend a lot of time on my own.  This is not good news.  I don’t like being on my own.  I like people around.

So then I do everything wrong.  I don’t respect my values – if that’s the right terminology?

Answer –  I need to do more at weekends.  Simples – as the advert says!

Well yesterday I got invited to a neighbour for lunch.  Which was nice.  But that’s about all I did – apart from nearly having a row with my brother – which can hardly be classed as a positive encounter!!!  Why on earth I should expect anything more from him than a feeling he is doing his duty I have no idea – he’s been like it for years and years so he’s hardly likely to change now!  I suppose I just notice it more at the moment. And I am fond of him.  As long as we don’t meet too often!!

And I am not going to behave the way he wants to boost his ego.  I’ve been that route before and I don’t respect myself for doing it!

A little bit of defiance there Caroline!!

And I am sure – dear reader – you are not in the least bit interested in how I slept last night – but I am going to tell you anyway!  I did sleep and I didn’t look at the clock when I semi-woke up.  But then I felt as though I went in and out of sleep for the rest of the night.  That feeling of being half awake.  I suppose that’s when you do remember the dreams.  And they are still disturbing.

So today I am off to a meeting with the protest group I am involved with and then – then I don’t know I think I might go and see friends.  I cannot spend another day at home alone!

I know I have got masses of packing and sorting out to do but I feel it’s incredibly depressing doing it on my own and I just can’t face it.

Note to self: I need to tackle weekends!!