I am experiencing immense and profound changes in me that I would never have thought possible and this morning has been one.
As I was driving my 70 mile motorway journey to work listening – as I do many mornings – to my Schubert Impromptus CD, I felt a profound sense of clarity within me and an amazing sense of wonderment, calm and profound peaceful truth.
Finally I have found the Me I love – the me who is honest, caring, loving, compassionate and capable. Yes, the me who will sometimes fix and the me who can control but – now – will also accept – with good grace – when she is stood up to. But also the me who is fun and funny, who can laugh at herself, who needs hugs, who can be over honest with those around her, who fights to the end for what she believes in, who is tenacious, who talks too much !, who is forgiving, who, I hope, is generous of spirt and who totally and utterly believes in herself and loves herself.
I have found the person who really, honestly and truly is the me I completely believe in and who is the person I am meant to be. The me I have always wanted to be and probably haven’t been for most of my adult life – not always and all the time.
Amazing that I have come from the raw horror of the weekend to this in just over 12 hours.
I know now that I will not compromise on my values again – I can’t because I love being the me I have found this morning and I can’t compromise on being me.
As to my marriage and how I feel about Alex. Yes I still love him. But I totally and without reservation forgive him for what he did. We had some amazing times and we could have had even more had we given each other the intimacy he and I both craved and failed to allow into our lives. The real me did marry Alex and I believe the real adult him also married me on the day – but we got lost (fairly early on) and never recovered.
This is so different from the buzz I experienced a few weeks ago. This is more of a calm contentment and sense of being totally in the right place. Yes the future is still scary. Yes I don’t want to be on my own. But one thing I see clearly today is that until someone comes over the horizon who loves and laughs and enjoys being with the me I am today then my future is better being Me on my own!
I DO so want someone who will laugh at my jokes. I do want someone who is proud of me and I want someone who will stand with his arms round me and hug me (either alone or in front of all those people who really matter) – just because that’s what he wants to do. I want someone who I matter to above and beyond everything else. And he will matter to me with the same intensity.
So although I have been through a hell that I didn’t think was possible. A dark hollow terror which shook every fibre of my body and my being, it has been worth it because without it I wouldn’t have discovered this part of me which I had buried so deep I didn’t know it existed. I have also finally understood that it IS amazing to receive as well as to give – as I have received amazing care and kindness and love from a whole host of people who I am now privileged to call my friends who would never have even come into my life if this hadn’t happened.
The pluses are amazing.
I know I will have crashes and periods of doubt – but I will be able to reread this and know I can now grasp my future with all that I have.