Clearly my brain isn’t at peace as I am not sleeping – and I mean really not sleeping. I haven’t since Saturday.
The problem is that the determination part of my character – which probably gives me a huge ability to succeed – won’t now allow me to let go. I still love the person I believe is the real Alex and so hoped would be the person who emerged into the ‘sunshine’ full of love, hope, optimism …… for me. And that hasn’t happened.
Yes I know I can have a happy future but what’s happening now isn’t how it was supposed to be or how it was supposed to end!
No doubt my coaching session tomorrow with Stephen will ‘put me right’ – however painful that’s going to be. I don’t think I want any more pain just now though.
Perhaps I just need to understand more.
So confusion rains. And holding on to my ‘happy future’ is hard and requires so much determination it’s wearing me out.
I just wish I could sleep!