I’ve been amending and tweaking this post on and off all morning! I’ve decided this is better than a whole mass of posts on the same subject!
So I awoke early this morning (5.00am), and have been lying in bed thinking about life! As one does!
Writing this blog and what it means to me:
I spent a long time this morning thinking how it has really helped me. It is my safe haven where I can say what I like! So I started jotting down things that came into my head. Random thoughts (the original title of this post!).
And I’ve been re-reading my earlier efforts this morning and changing things as I want to be sure I am not only honest with myself but that what I have written reflects that! It’s amazing when one ‘writes things out’ as I call it – that what actually gets put down is not what one means at all! So it’s good to write – then read – then amend! I must remember to do this more often!!
As I made myself a promise never to delete a post – ever. Amend – yes. Delete – no!
Alex and me:
I thought about my life with Alex and then my life since he left and how, still, I wish the outcome had been different.
How sad it is that he says that although he can’t say he doesn’t love me anymore he doesn’t want to take the next step to repairing all that made him unhappy with me. I do find that difficult – still. The ache is still there, despite everything I am doing to stop it. It just won’t go away.
But his mental turmoil is much greater than mine, on a much more fundamental level, and it’s taken me weeks of roller-coastering and things bubbling to the surface of my mind for me to really understand me – and I’m not there yet! So he – I imagine – has much further to go to get to a state where he genuinely is happy and loves himself and knows what he wants and needs in life to fulfill it to its full potential. And no one can truly love another if they are not at peace with themselves.
So I know this had to happen as we each needed to find a deeper and more meaningful understanding of who we both are. And I know I don’t want to restrict my future by holding on to this deep desire for him to come back – after all there could be (and probably are) so many other exciting possibilities which I don’t want to miss out on! I just wish he could have been there with me – rather than not.
Life Coaches, Psychologists, Counsellors:
Then I started thinking about Life Coaches, Psychologists, Counsellors: All those people who help us out of our mental black holes. And how they have these incredible lives. How they meet people and learn more about them than probably anyone else knows.
That amazing ability to build the trust, and that ‘safe place’, that is needed to allow their clients to dig deep and deal with their pasts and face their futures. How they learn about their clients real inner beings, their fears, their joys, their hurt, their pain, their failures and their successes, and ultimately the real and true them. They watch their clients change and grow. In a way they nurture them with their guidance and care.
They are incredible people. So calm! It must be almost mind blowing to be in such an amazingly privileged position and yet the ones I’ve met seem so calm about it. I suppose they get used to it! I know it’s a job but a job which must give a huge amount of job satisfaction when their clients ‘see the light’ and respond positively and also sad when the client doesn’t achieve their full potential.
I wonder if this reflective mood has been brought on by listing my values! This is my current homework assignment! I have to find at least 50. Well I have always found listing them difficult without the aid of t’internet! So I did some googling last night and found a great site with over 350 on it. So I copied and pasted the list into an excel spreadsheet and then deleted the ones that didn’t mean anything to me – or were not of ‘value’ – so to speak. This kept me busy until about 10.00pm!
I’ve still got a long list. I am now grouping the words together! I hope this doesn’t constitute cheating!!
So I am in a reflective mood today. Calm and peaceful – yes. Sad – yes in some ways. Looking forward – yes and no!