The only person who can live my life is me. I can’t abdicate that responsibility to anyone else. Not to my friends, work, my brothers – not to anyone.
But I feel as though I have been searching all week for someone to wave a magic wand and put me in a new future which I want and will enjoy. To live my life for me. Test it out and then put me in it as the solution.
But I know I have to do this myself. I am in charge of my magic wand. And I am the only person who can wave it. I have to find the courage, honesty, respect for myself, security and certainty within myself which will give me the belief that I can do it. To give me that freedom that won’t hold me back. Which will give me the ability to fly.
I have – I know – abdicated all week. I have found it too difficult. I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed by uncertainty. I have wanted someone to take the decision for me so I can just follow. But I know that’s not what I really want – not deep down.
I can do better than this. I want to do better than this. I wish I didn’t lose the plot with such ease and then give up. Why do I hate looking forwards and love looking back. This is so stupid.
Why can’t I do what is so obvious a child of 6 would see it!
I have to be me and live my life to the full. I don’t want to end up with regrets and unfulfilled dreams. But I am so in danger of doing so.