The only person who can do this is me

The only person who can live my life is me.  I can’t abdicate that responsibility to anyone else.  Not to my friends, work, my brothers – not to anyone.

But I feel as though I have been searching all week for someone to wave a magic wand and put me in a new future which I want and will enjoy. To live my life for me.  Test it out and then put me in it as the solution.

But I know I  have to do this myself.  I am in charge of my magic wand. And I am the only person who can wave it.  I have to find the courage, honesty, respect for myself, security and certainty within myself which will give me the belief that I can do it.  To give me that freedom that won’t hold me back. Which will give me the ability to fly.

I have – I know – abdicated all week.  I have found it too difficult. I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed by uncertainty.   I have wanted someone to take the decision for me so I can just follow.  But I know that’s not what I really want – not deep down.

I can do better than this.  I want to do better than this.  I wish I didn’t lose the plot with such ease and then give up.  Why do I hate looking forwards and love looking back.  This is so stupid.

Why can’t  I do what is so obvious a child of 6 would see it!

I have to be me and live my life to the full.  I don’t want to end up with regrets and unfulfilled dreams. But I am so in danger of doing so.

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