This is MY DREAM FUTURE!

So this is My dream future – where anything is possible:

To run my own business.

My  business will be a help centre which will provide a very safe haven for different types of therapy for people:

Life and Relationship Coaching
divorce support groups
Psychology
Acupuncture
Aromatherapy
Alexander Technique
Practical help for people on lots of issues

It should also be a drop-in centre too.  Lots of free parking.  And maybe a coffee/tea shop as well  with books and magazines and newspapers – but I don’t want it all sandals and hippy!!  And no scented candles – I so hate scented candles!

Where I live

In a lovely house with at least 3 bedrooms & 2 bathrooms.  A study.  A sewing room.  A dining room. Sitting room and kitchen.  A garage.  Not modern.  Fairly old  so it has character but in good repair.  With a  garden where I can sit out but also grow vegetables and room enough to put food down for the kites so they swoop in to feed – then I can photograph them.

Me

New look me.  Slim legs.  I stand up straight.  I am funny and  am having fun and buzzing.  Interesting to talk to.  I listen.  I make people laugh.  I am confident.  Self assured. Significant.  Loved.  People gravitate towards me.

New clothes.  New look.  So I look well dressed but in a good way – not starchy.  Trendy.

My new man:

Someone who is tall, slim, not too old – a few years either side of my age is fine.  Who is solid and trustworthy, reliable, funny, teases me, cares for me.  Wants to look after me.  Won’t let me down.  Will love me. Passionate – very passionate –  but very understanding.  Will help me deal with my ‘freezing problem’ .  Will help me talk it through, who I can tell it all to,  and be so focused on me I won’t feel  tongue tied – I really want to be able to say and do anything  and so I will relax and allow myself to abandon myself in the moment, to give myself totally – all the time!

I will be loved.  Really loved.  Unconditionally loved.  Hugged loads.

But for now I want to be asked out by lots of men. AND THEY CAN ALL PAY!  I want to be sent flowers.  Lots of flowers.

People ring me up just ‘cos I am fun to talk to.  I’m wooed.

Holidays

I want to go on holiday.  I want buckets of money so I can go on lots of holidays.

I want someone who wants to drive into deserts and look at the emptiness and wonder at it.  I love the isolation of remote places.

When I’m not working:

I become a brilliant photographer and win prizes

I am the best actress in the am drams

I become a good glider pilot

I own a lovely glider

My novel is published and is a great success and is turned into a film – this gets me lots of kudos

My blog is THE BLOG OF THE YEAR.  I get loads of hits a day and everyone is talking about it.  It’s used by life coaches and psychologists as an example of how to get over a heartbreak.  I want it to be better than “Eat Pray Love”.

THIS IS THE FUTURE OF MY DREAMS!

And this is only the start

There will be more to come as I add to this!

As the song says..

There are more questions than answers.

And that’s how I feel just now.

I probably went back to sleep around 4.00 – I think.  I then woke at 6.40 when my alarm went off – which I didn’t need this morning and went straight back to sleep until 8.00.  So I’ve had quite a bit of sleep.

I just don’t feel I’ve had!

I still feel lost.

I’ve got this far so onward and upward!

Today is the last day of 2010.  I’d hoped to be ‘further on’ by the end of this year.

I wanted to be buzzing by now!  Perhaps I will.  It’s up to me to do so!!

Please will someone close off the mine shaft to my Chilean Mine so there is no route back.  So my options are removed.  And I don’t want ground level to be all icy so I slide about!

I want a solid launch pad and a clear sky ahead.

Why do I wake up?

What is it that wakes me up in the middle of the night?  And why?

It’s 2.30am and I’ve woken up – yet again.  Tense & headachy  – my neck and shoulders are as taught as a bow.  Thoughts – muddled. I feel very, very wound up –  as in tension – but I don’t know what about. Nothing is clear.

In fact this is how I often feel when I wake in the night.  The feeling is very familiar.  Some hidden deep uncertainty.  That I am destined to do this on my own.

And as my notepad and pencil have disappeared from my bedside table I’ve got up and am blogging this instead.

My initial thoughts on waking are:

I want to be comforted from some unseen, unknown something.  A great wish to be hugged and to feel someone should be here to protect me.  I’m not sure what from.  That is totally unclear.  I just want protection.  But I’m not scared.

I feel very alone – but I’m not miserable.  Just alone.  Which I don’t like.

Loss.  A huge sense of loss.  But again I’m not sure what of.

And such a strong feeling of being pulled in two directions.  I feel very confused.

I have no idea what about.  I just feel confused.  A massive wish just to cry – and again I don’t know what over.  I just want to weep and weep and weep.  VERY emotional.  As in emotional.  Nothing more explicit.  I wish I could be more explicit.

And this is how I often feel when I wake in the middle of the night.  This is SO familiar.  In recent weeks this is how I’ve felt.

I’ve never written it down before.  I have no idea why.  I think because it’s so difficult to express.  Even now I can’t truly explain how I feel.  What I’m experiencing.

Alex doesn’t really feature.  Well not in the way Alex is now.

A feeling that no one will ever understand what’s zooming around in my head.  How can they when I can’t even express it out loud myself.

It’s just that something isn’t right.  I don’t know what.  Something is very, very wrong.  And whatever this something is I have to sort it out and put it right.

I feel as though I am letting myself down.  That some higher ‘force’ is marking me and I am not scoring good enough marks.  “Could do better” would be on my School of Life report.

Do I feel any better for writing this all down.  Yes and No, not really.  I feel I am trying to grasp something, some thought, some concern,  some idea.  But I can’t because I don’t know what it is and I don’t know where to look and which direction to go in.

All I know is that whatever it is, it causes me to wake up when I should be asleep.

I’m going back to bed now.  It’s  3.15am.  I wonder what I’ll think when I read this again in the morning!

This post will stay as my rule is NEVER DELETE.  And in this case I won’t amend or update either.

Today’s news (updated – more than once)

For those who are following my rather wobbly progress through life!

Today was a Life Coaching day. The first one since my 2nd Eureka moment two weeks ago.  One which I was rather dreading but actually it wasn’t at all traumatic. Apart from a few moments of acute embarrassment and a few tears.

So where am I now?  Well I feel that having discovered and understood what happened when I was 15 I can understand me better and maybe – in the context of any future relationship – look after me better.

But I felt I short changed myself today.  I feel I missed something today.  I didn’t allow myself to get all I could have done.  I need to let new ideas in and take them on board and not fight against them.  I feel I wasted time.  I was there for over 2 hours.  The time went so fast.  And I should have extracted more from the session. Perhaps I’m too hard on myself.  I just want it all!  And I want it now!

It’s odd really.  Part of me hangs on to the past and loves discussing it – when actually I am so impatient for it all to change and to live my new life to the full.

The haunting of the past is getting less.  And I don’t really need to go over and over it in my head  – do I?!  Well I don’t. I’ve decided that.

As usual I have homework!  This week I have agreed

to turn any negative thought into a positive.

To write down my dream – everything I’d like my future to be

Start planning my dream job

As I said this afternoon I just need to stop “Clutching at failure from the jaws of success!”

On the home front it was odd to come back to the house tonight.  House Clearance have almost finished and all the rooms in my Dad’s part of the house are now empty.  Strange to go through the rooms where we grew up and see them all empty.  It will be good to leave here and be somewhere different.

So I have a choice.  As I’ve always have had.  To grab my future and make it soar or not.

And actually – making it soar not only seems the best option on offer – It’s a great option!  I can be the person I want to be.  I can do what I want to do.  And I can look after me and love me. And I hope if I really concentrate on that I will sleep.

Maybe “letting go”  will just happen as I create and move towards my new future and I will wake one morning and found I have.  I hope so.  I do know it is not possible just to consciously stop thinking about it.  But – increasingly – I think about Alex less.  So this “letting go” is happening all the time – it has been for a long time.  It only seems impossible when people tell you to do it as it’s not like letting go of an object – letting go of an emotion is different as it isn’t a physical act.

And so it came to pass (updated)

And it came to pass that on the 5th day of Christmas (and the 4th of clearing) Caroline awoke after a night of very troubled sleep (and a great deal of very troubled awake!!)  and glared at the sorting out.

Today it is that House Clearance descend on the part which belonged to her father.  And they will clear everything which isn’t labelled – but she is ready!  Everything IS labelled.

And she reminded herself that she doesn’t have to pack.  The movers will be doing that for her in 2 weeks time.  All she needs to do is label what is going with her, what is going to store and just bin everything else.  SIMPLES! (for those who don’t understand this word you will need to Google it -the S at the end is important!)

I would like to conclude that I haven’t yet managed to skip and hop around waving a marker pen and brandishing the labels.  But I just might try that as a tactic!

Actually all I really want to do is sit down and shout:

“I don’t want to play anymore!  Can I stop doing this now?!”

Update!

A good example of your mind giving you what you want!  I went to my physio/acupuncture session – and truthfully gave up after that!

I even resorted to cleaning the car!!!

Then when I thought I was cornered and there was no escape,  my great friend rang up and “dragged” me off shopping as she felt I needed a break!!  So that’s taken care of the afternoon and I’m going to dinner at her house tonight so that’s sorted out the rest of today!

Note to self: It’s still got to be done Caroline ……….  And sitting down playing with the background to this blog and trying out different colours is not helping!