This is very complicated to write and put down clearly and may sound bizarre and strange to anyone who hasn’t been through this process. (Especially at 2.00am! addendum – it’s OK I went back to sleep having written all this!) But I want to say it anyway!
I have learned a great deal about myself over the last 3 months or so during the Life Coaching sessions I have had.
I have learned there are many versions of me. The different versions of me who come ‘into play’ in different situations.
I found a version of me who had become distorted through fear who had an overriding wish to be heard and seen and so controlled or fixed situations. The version of me who I really dislike. Who I have – I hope – now learnt to deal with and to laugh away when I see her try and come back. Who I hope I can now control and stop being so destructive.
I have also found a very deep and lovely version of me who I had buried so deep I didn’t even know she was there. Maybe this is the ‘real version of me’. I hope so!
I know she is someone I really like being.
She is the person who is not only able to stand up and speak in public meetings (something I have NEVER been able to do my entire adult life!) but actually likes doing it and gets a great buzz from achieving it!
Someone who does have an incredible confidence in herself but in a nice loving & feminine way. Who understands her vulnerabilities and acknowledges who she is and how she wants to be seen by the world around her. By those who matter to her. Who can and does laugh at herself.
But I can now see and understand that there are also various versions of Alex. What I didn’t understand then, but do now, is those versions of Alex came into play all the time – right from the start of our marriage.
There was – and maybe still is – a version of Alex which is incredibly destructive and who at the moment has ‘won the day’ and is running his life. This is not the loving, kind, honest person I married. As that wonderful person wouldn’t have been capable of doing what he has done. Who has treated me the way he has this last 20 months. Or rewritten the past to justify these actions.
I know he is traumatised by this version of him. I know because he’s told me.
What I sincerely hope, from the bottom of my heart is that Alex continues to dig deep, to find within himself the ability to confront and deal with this demon who seems to be ruling him at the moment, and in fact, has been trying to rule him for most of his adult life, and then find deep within himself his true being. The version of him who he loves and wants to be.
Because then and only then will he find true happiness. True happiness has to come from within yourself. Not from cheating and having an affair. Not from re-writing the past to justify his behaviour.
The man I married was – I think – as close as Alex has ever allowed himself to be to the person he genuinely wants to be. It wasn’t totally that person as he always had the destructive version trying to stop him. So he only occasionally allowed that wonderful version to surface – but wow was it fantastic when it did. He was magic. So confident, so in charge, such fun, so good in bed! I felt so special then.
So that’s why I hope through the Life Coaching he is going for that he too – one day – will find and come to terms with really loving being the true honest him I think he wants to find. Then he will love himself and then he will honestly and truly be able to give someone else the love I know he wants to give.
So until then we don’t have a future together. In fact no woman has a true, safe, honest and happy future with him. He has to find himself first. And also learn how to stop the destructive demon from fighting back. I think this is going to take quite some time as he is so used to allowing this version of him to be part of him.
I would love to be able to say all this to him but I know I can’t. He won’t hear the sincerity in this from me. He has too many preconceived notions of what he either thinks I want to say or what he sees as me trying to manipulate him.
So I will face this weekend knowing this is how I feel. Knowing he has to go and do what he has to do. One day maybe he will realise that the most wonderful way to grow in life is to share that growth within a loving powerful partnership. Maybe one like the one I believed we could have had, if he had only got to where I have today!
So I do wish him luck. From the bottom of my heart. I am incredibly sad that we couldn’t have really worked at this together, to have come through this together and had a future together. But he has to do this bit alone. And I have to find a different future for me without him. Because, at the moment, we don’t have a future together.