I want to lash out at the world and everyone in it. This is not how my life was supposed to be.
And before anyone says I’m attention seeking. Maybe I am and maybe I want to be.
I want to yell and hit everyone
Alex’s mother for being so controlling and domineering
Alex’s father for not standing up to her and not looking after Alex
Alex’s brother for not helping him through all this
His friends for not doing more
Alex – for not seeing what he’s throwing away and for doing what he’s done
Me – for letting this happen
Not to mention loads of people around me and him who are supposed to be helping and don’t seem to be
And yes it’s 4.30am and I am so fed up with waking at 3.00 and not being able to sleep.
And I hate everyone just now. And I do mean everyone. Including me.
And I know this sounds like a petulant rant. Well maybe it is. And if I want to be petulant and childish and rant why shouldn’t I?
And I COULD HAVE PRIVATE POSTED THIS. Then no-one but me would have been able to read it. And the only reason I didn’t is that I promised myself this blog would be a true reflection of what I am going through each day.
So I stuck to my bloody values of being true and honest to me so that’s why you can all read it.
I may be at the top of my ‘chilean mine’ and out of the ‘pit’ but it is as cold as the weather. I am fed up of having to cope on my own. I am fed up of people telling me to “move on”, “let go” and stacks of other things.
I hate the whole bloody process of this. I don’t think anyone knows how I really feel. And count your blessings that I’ve left out all the swear words in this.
And if this is negative. Well so be it. But that’s how I feel.