Why?

As in

Why Me?

Why has Alex done this to me when he says he still cares?

Why can’t I sleep an entire night through?

Why does part of my stupid brain object to me enjoying myself? Which is seems to!

Why do I beat myself up?

Why do I feel as if I’m being pulled in two directions?

Why can’t I just live?

And finally just

WHY?

And the answer is because I am stubborn and I want it all!!  And I do!

And yet I am having good times without him! !    I think that’s what I’m finding so irritating.  I don’t seem to give myself permission to enjoy myself without him.  Which is fascinating!

I had a really good day yesterday.  I did my bit at the company meeting and even got them to laugh.  Security is hardly funny!  And I got them all to really pay attention.   The staff were actually interested and asked questions – much to the irritation of our CEO!

I  then had a great evening out with a couple I am very fond of.  We had an evening packed to the hilt with laughter!  And I got home at 11.30 and fell into bed and to sleep.

So how come I then woke up at 4.30 with a whole mass of angst and woe?  I seem to ‘enjoy’ beating myself up – which I might add I don’t!

No doubt all will be explained later today at my Life Coaching session – at this rate he will be landed with me for ever as I seem singularly inept at grasping the concepts and applying them to my life!

I might have shot out of my ‘Chilean Mine’ like a missile when my 6 feet and 30 seconds moment catapulted me into the daylight.  But I do feel I have been somewhat stuck since.

I need  to experience another Eureka moment!

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