I’m beginning to see…

I’m beginning to see why I have been so stuck emotionally these last 22 months.

Why I have clung to my failed marriage and the hope of Alex returning – like a drowning man to a life raft.

I couldn’t see any other option.  Because my marriage and Alex represented – for me – security. That safe haven where I was protected.

In fact I now believe (with the help of several emails from Stephen, my life coach, today) that security was more important to me than love. So although I do love Alex –  more importantly he represented security, so I felt safe.

He is totally opposite from the man I “encountered” when I was 15.

Alex was supposed to be my rock, my oak tree, the man who would protect me and ensure no harm came to me.  So when he cheated and lied and did what he did and removed that security blanket I couldn’t cope.  I was prepared to do – or to be – anything to get that ‘blanket’ back.

So letting go (words that I hate as they represent lack of security) has been totally impossible.

But now.  Now I have faced what happened to me and what effect it has had on me I can at least learn and deal with it and create a new future for myself where I can be secure in myself .

This is an interesting time.  Very scary.  But I am assured I will come through this.  And I am placing all my faith in those who assure me I will.

I have no other option.  I don’t want second best for the rest of my life!!

So to give this a positive spin.  It’s actually quite exciting!!

As I know from my “6 feet and 30 second” moment – I can pick all the fun things in life I want. I can be who I want to be.  I can do  what I want to do.

Maybe  – at last – I am close to actually being able to do these things!

xxx

2 thoughts on “I’m beginning to see…

  1. It’s a painful lesson learning that their is no safety in the people closest to you and that what you felt as safety was merely an illusion.

    Sending you cyber hugs. I know how you are feeling.

    I found the Al Turtle discussions on saftey and relationships very healing, and it made a lot of sense so I’m sharing the link.

    http://al.turtlecounseling.com

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