More thoughts on the inner me

Last week’s “revelation” has definitely given me a lot to think about. And it’s filling my thoughts for more time than I wish, and I can’t seem to stop it. It doesn’t help spending 3 hours in the car each day on my journey to and from work – far too much time to think and ponder and analyse. So where have these thoughts taken me.?

Well apart from the obvious, which I seem to be playing again and again in my head:-

I can now understand why I could never argue with Alex. I was running my life from a position of a deep rooted fear that I’d lose security and a firm belief that I had to accept everything to be loved – and that meant I didn’t dare.

I now also understand why certain aspects of my marriage were not – always – as good as they should have been. Why I froze on so many occasions. Nobody knows how confused I was – there I was with the man I loved but sometimes (but not always) any form of intimate contact had me wishing I could run for the hills – and I didn’t know why.

What concerns me is how I’m going to get over all this. How I am not just going to have to come to terms with it all but change my thought process so I don’t revert back to this.

I have all these very graphic details whizzing around in my mind which I imagine I need to address. And I don’t know if I will have the courage to do so. It’s all rather scary. I can’t see how I can talk about all this in detail without finding it acutely embarrassing. It all seems a case of too much information. The only person I could feel totally at ease with to really pour it all out to is Alex. And of course he’s not here. He’s off with the OW (other woman). 

For some reason I really want him to know. I feel he needs to know. I want to put the record straight.

 I just wish I’d told him. Then he might have understood more and our problems might have been less.

And of course what do I do when I’m in turmoil? I don’t sleep! So it’s back to Good Morning World from 3.00am to 4.00am (or more often to 4.30/5.00am) – a time of day I have become over familiar with these last 22 months! I know I only cure this problem when my mind is at peace. And just now it isn’t. Well at least I have a week’s holiday coming up so it won’t be so critical to be missing out on the sleep I need.

Anyway – to end on a happy note  – which is giving me my own private smile – there’s always the melting ice cream……!!!

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