The clearing out continues. So do the tears! (Today’s music is ABBA – which may be a mistake as it’s Alex’s CD!) ( 1.00pm Update – I’ve moved on to Mozart – far more soothing!)
Last night I found all the diaries I wrote as a teenager and so I had a dig.
Firstly I never wrote about the assault. Not one word . I must have blocked it out very quickly. All I wrote was that he’d returned the night before – so he must have been away when I went to stay – and he came into my room which surprised me. I know I didn’t have my diary with me at the time and clearly when I got home I’d already decided not to write about it.
I then found the diary from when I was 18, interested to find out how I felt when I experienced my “Summer of love!!” I wondered if this would give me an insight on how I reacted to my first sexual encounter. Interestingly I wrote it all down. It’s clear I was very torn between succumbing and not! And spent 4 months being gently but very expertly seduced! I was treated with great care and consideration by a man who clearly knew what he was doing and how to do it! (Although only 23 years old!) And the decision was ours – taken together – consequently the experience was wonderful. I clearly felt safe and cared for. I said so. But I never mentioned love. I wrote I liked him a lot but that was all. A few weeks later I clearly felt lots of confusion and, interestingly, regret. Reading between the lines I was bothered about having experienced the feelings I had.
We started to drift apart a few months later. And over the next year as we saw less and less of each other I wrote of moments of feeling very much in love with him.
But then, maybe, that’s what being 18 is all about!!
But now I know what I know it all makes a lot more sense. A pity it’s taken so many decades for me to find out.