Reading diaries is enlightening

The clearing out continues.  So do the tears! (Today’s music is ABBA – which may be a mistake as it’s Alex’s CD!) ( 1.00pm Update – I’ve moved on to Mozart – far more soothing!)

Last night I found all the diaries I wrote as a teenager and so I had a dig.

Fascinating:

Firstly I never wrote about the assault.  Not one word .  I must have blocked it out very quickly.  All I wrote was that he’d returned the night before – so he must have been away when I went to stay – and he came into my room which surprised me. I know I didn’t have my diary with me at the time and clearly when I got home I’d already decided not to write about it.

I then found the diary from when I was 18, interested to find out how I felt when I experienced my  “Summer of love!!”   I  wondered if this would give me an insight on how I reacted to my first sexual encounter.  Interestingly I wrote it all down.  It’s clear I was very torn between succumbing and not!  And spent 4 months being gently but very expertly seduced!  I was treated with great care and consideration by a man who clearly knew what he was doing and how to do it!  (Although only 23 years old!)  And the decision was ours – taken together – consequently the experience was wonderful.  I clearly felt safe and cared for.  I said so.  But I never mentioned love.  I wrote I liked him a lot but that was all.  A few weeks later I clearly felt lots of confusion and, interestingly, regret. Reading between the lines I was bothered about having experienced the feelings I had.

We started to drift apart a few months later. And over the next year as we saw  less and less of each other I wrote of moments of feeling very much in love with him.

But then, maybe,  that’s what being 18 is all about!!

But now I know what I know it all makes a lot more sense.  A pity it’s taken so many decades for me to find out.

 

2 thoughts on “Reading diaries is enlightening

  1. Caroline, I have found that digging into our past, is much like digging through the junk drawer in our kitchen. That place where we put thumb tacks, and curtain hooks, old keys, and straight pins, a missing puzzle piece found between the cushions of the couch, and all those little trinkets we pull from our pockets at the end of a long day. Hiding them away, knowing that someday we might need them.

    Left undisturbed, we may feel safe, falsely assured in that we won’t be punctured or hurt by those things we put away so long ago, the problem is with out sifting through those sharp objects we’ll never find that missing piece of the puzzle, the one we hid away for safe keeping

    If you proceed with care, taking your time, you can usually find what you’re looking for. We may feel their sharpness as we sort through the debris, but approached slowly it can never be as painful as that first encounter.

    Take care dear as you sort through that drawer, who knows you might find a bit of hard candy still in it’s wrapper, there’s no harm enjoying those finds either. AJ

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