For those who are following my rather wobbly progress through life!
Today was a Life Coaching day. The first one since my 2nd Eureka moment two weeks ago. One which I was rather dreading but actually it wasn’t at all traumatic. Apart from a few moments of acute embarrassment and a few tears.
So where am I now? Well I feel that having discovered and understood what happened when I was 15 I can understand me better and maybe – in the context of any future relationship – look after me better.
But I felt I short changed myself today. I feel I missed something today. I didn’t allow myself to get all I could have done. I need to let new ideas in and take them on board and not fight against them. I feel I wasted time. I was there for over 2 hours. The time went so fast. And I should have extracted more from the session. Perhaps I’m too hard on myself. I just want it all! And I want it now!
It’s odd really. Part of me hangs on to the past and loves discussing it – when actually I am so impatient for it all to change and to live my new life to the full.
The haunting of the past is getting less. And I don’t really need to go over and over it in my head – do I?! Well I don’t. I’ve decided that.
As usual I have homework! This week I have agreed
to turn any negative thought into a positive.
To write down my dream – everything I’d like my future to be
Start planning my dream job
As I said this afternoon I just need to stop “Clutching at failure from the jaws of success!”
On the home front it was odd to come back to the house tonight. House Clearance have almost finished and all the rooms in my Dad’s part of the house are now empty. Strange to go through the rooms where we grew up and see them all empty. It will be good to leave here and be somewhere different.
So I have a choice. As I’ve always have had. To grab my future and make it soar or not.
And actually – making it soar not only seems the best option on offer – It’s a great option! I can be the person I want to be. I can do what I want to do. And I can look after me and love me. And I hope if I really concentrate on that I will sleep.
Maybe “letting go” will just happen as I create and move towards my new future and I will wake one morning and found I have. I hope so. I do know it is not possible just to consciously stop thinking about it. But – increasingly – I think about Alex less. So this “letting go” is happening all the time – it has been for a long time. It only seems impossible when people tell you to do it as it’s not like letting go of an object – letting go of an emotion is different as it isn’t a physical act.