What is it that wakes me up in the middle of the night? And why?
It’s 2.30am and I’ve woken up – yet again. Tense & headachy – my neck and shoulders are as taught as a bow. Thoughts – muddled. I feel very, very wound up – as in tension – but I don’t know what about. Nothing is clear.
In fact this is how I often feel when I wake in the night. The feeling is very familiar. Some hidden deep uncertainty. That I am destined to do this on my own.
And as my notepad and pencil have disappeared from my bedside table I’ve got up and am blogging this instead.
My initial thoughts on waking are:
I want to be comforted from some unseen, unknown something. A great wish to be hugged and to feel someone should be here to protect me. I’m not sure what from. That is totally unclear. I just want protection. But I’m not scared.
I feel very alone – but I’m not miserable. Just alone. Which I don’t like.
Loss. A huge sense of loss. But again I’m not sure what of.
And such a strong feeling of being pulled in two directions. I feel very confused.
I have no idea what about. I just feel confused. A massive wish just to cry – and again I don’t know what over. I just want to weep and weep and weep. VERY emotional. As in emotional. Nothing more explicit. I wish I could be more explicit.
And this is how I often feel when I wake in the middle of the night. This is SO familiar. In recent weeks this is how I’ve felt.
I’ve never written it down before. I have no idea why. I think because it’s so difficult to express. Even now I can’t truly explain how I feel. What I’m experiencing.
Alex doesn’t really feature. Well not in the way Alex is now.
A feeling that no one will ever understand what’s zooming around in my head. How can they when I can’t even express it out loud myself.
It’s just that something isn’t right. I don’t know what. Something is very, very wrong. And whatever this something is I have to sort it out and put it right.
I feel as though I am letting myself down. That some higher ‘force’ is marking me and I am not scoring good enough marks. “Could do better” would be on my School of Life report.
Do I feel any better for writing this all down. Yes and No, not really. I feel I am trying to grasp something, some thought, some concern, some idea. But I can’t because I don’t know what it is and I don’t know where to look and which direction to go in.
All I know is that whatever it is, it causes me to wake up when I should be asleep.
I’m going back to bed now. It’s 3.15am. I wonder what I’ll think when I read this again in the morning!
This post will stay as my rule is NEVER DELETE. And in this case I won’t amend or update either.