Small things are making me weep!

A case of bother – or – actually – much stronger words than that!  A receipt from a campsite and a map of Botswana set me off today – I wept and wept!!

Good grief I am pathetic!

Anyway I soldiered on and have now all but completed 3 rooms. And I have given away nearly all the alcohol which was stacked up in 3 large wine-racks.  All those half-full bottles of spirits and those strange bottles which people bring back from places they visit and which usually taste like cough mixture!  Plus all the bottles of champagne and white wine I seem to have – which I don’t drink.  So the whole lot (about 50 bottles) went to my great friend and her family.  Her son is having a cocktail party tonight  at his new house and I appear to have  now supplied about 98% of the spirits!  Well I am pleased.  She has done so much for me these last 22 months.

 

Reading diaries is enlightening

The clearing out continues.  So do the tears! (Today’s music is ABBA – which may be a mistake as it’s Alex’s CD!) ( 1.00pm Update – I’ve moved on to Mozart – far more soothing!)

Last night I found all the diaries I wrote as a teenager and so I had a dig.

Fascinating:

Firstly I never wrote about the assault.  Not one word .  I must have blocked it out very quickly.  All I wrote was that he’d returned the night before – so he must have been away when I went to stay – and he came into my room which surprised me. I know I didn’t have my diary with me at the time and clearly when I got home I’d already decided not to write about it.

I then found the diary from when I was 18, interested to find out how I felt when I experienced my  “Summer of love!!”   I  wondered if this would give me an insight on how I reacted to my first sexual encounter.  Interestingly I wrote it all down.  It’s clear I was very torn between succumbing and not!  And spent 4 months being gently but very expertly seduced!  I was treated with great care and consideration by a man who clearly knew what he was doing and how to do it!  (Although only 23 years old!)  And the decision was ours – taken together – consequently the experience was wonderful.  I clearly felt safe and cared for.  I said so.  But I never mentioned love.  I wrote I liked him a lot but that was all.  A few weeks later I clearly felt lots of confusion and, interestingly, regret. Reading between the lines I was bothered about having experienced the feelings I had.

We started to drift apart a few months later. And over the next year as we saw  less and less of each other I wrote of moments of feeling very much in love with him.

But then, maybe,  that’s what being 18 is all about!!

But now I know what I know it all makes a lot more sense.  A pity it’s taken so many decades for me to find out.

 

Most of this is like a bad dream!

This is a Raincoat and Umbrella Post! (Updated)

I keep wishing all this will be like Dallas or Dynasty (I didn’t really watch either so I’m not sure which!) and I’ll wake up and find it was a bad dream.  Except there’s quite a lot of the last 22 months I’d like to keep!!

Shame life’s not like that!!

So back to reality: I’ve completed the loft clearance and cried masses –  and thrown away loads of things.  God knows what state I’m going to be in by Friday if this carries on.

My great friend has been keeping in touch and has insisted I take breaks and go round to her house for cheering sustenance!!

And I’ve been playing my Flanders and Swan CDs – The Bestiary is a good morale booster – or should be!

Crying is not a good look!!  At least not in my case!!

I’ve begun the clearing out….

I finally realised I couldn’t put it off any longer and I started in the loft room.

This is NOT conducive to happiness.  Emotionally it’s a killer.  But do it I’ve got to.  There is no other option.  So I’m steadily working through our past and throwing it away – either to the bins or to the charity shops.  I’ve tried making light of it but that’s not working.

Some people said I would find it very therapeutic and liberating – well I’m not!  Sorry!!  I’m finding it very tear jerking, heart wrenching and difficult.

I’ve allocated a day per room – but some rooms may take me longer – and some, hopefully, less – but I have 7 rooms to do –  so goodness knows what state I’m going to be in by the end of this coming week!!  I hope I’ll have got used to it and have cheered up!!!   Either that or the next few posts will be soaking wet! So you may all need umbrellas, waders and raincoats – just to read them!!

Damn it …… I bolted

Sometimes I could shoot myself!!!  I think I need a brain transplant!!  And quick!

I cause my own angst with such brilliance it’s stunning!   Talk about stupid!  That’s me!!

I got invited to friends for Christmas lunch and evening – I could have even spent the night if I wanted to.  So what do I do?  Yes I go.  I have a lovely lunch with them and their family.  11 of us in all – and a great time.  And they had more family coming for the evening.  Perfect. Lots of people. Just what I need.  But muggins here decides to bolt.

So I bolted.  Got home at 5.30 and so – Hallelujah – I’m then on my own for the rest of the evening.  Talk about stupid decision. So I then feel lonely, unloved, miserable, sorry for myself…….  Yup!  I created my miserable future for myself all over again. And shot off down to the bottom of my personal Chilean Mine.

I then had to use a  great deal of will power and running my “6ft and 30 seconds”  exercise in my head to get myself out of the hole!  Which has worked partially!

I am saying this with a wry smile on my face – Dear Reader If I wasn’t me I’d wring my neck!!!

You know when you break something – like a leg or arm – or you have something that needs mending physically.  Some kind anesthetist puts you to sleep, a surgeon rolls up and fixes what ever it is, and you wake up a bit sore but mended and on the road to recovery.  I just wish someone could do the same to my mind! It would be great to be put to sleep and wake up fixed!!!

So I did have a lovely Christmas day.  I’ve had some lovely presents from friends.  I could have had a lovely Christmas evening.  Apparently I chose not to!!!

I hope the rest of you were more sensible!!

And no feeling sorry for me anyone!!!   I think part of my mind is looking for sympathy and attention – and it’s a bad habit I need to break!!  And break it I am going to do.

I really do want a happy future, surrounded by lots of people, doing things I like doing…..  And yes I don’t want to be on my own.

And I can’t stand those forlorn, droopy women who go round looking pathetic because they’ve been dumped by their Mid-Life-Crisis husbands.  Those women who no man in their right mind would look at twice!  Or those brittle ones who are just plain terrifying!!

I AM going to buzz and make people laugh and want to be with me.  I just haven’t quite got there yet.

And I do wish I hadn’t bolted!

Ooh err it’s nearly Christmas

I’m  sitting watching the start of Carols from King’s which my mother loved.  It heralded Christmas for her and we learnt from a very young age to remain silent during the 1st Carol- Once In Royal David’s City –  especially as the lone choirboy sang the 1st verse. She didn’t mind about the rest of the service – just that 1st carol.

Even now 14 years after her death I  just have to stop what I’m doing and  listen.

So to all those who read this blog – have a wonderful Christmas.