Why when I finally do get back to sleep – does my brain feed me such disturbing dreams. I really do NOT need to dream about what my “Soon-to-be-Ex” is doing with his F***ing new woman. And in such unnecessary graphic detail. And why do my dreams make me be a bystander and observer to it all. And she’s so smug about it. So patronising. So pleased with herself. All 6’1″ of her. Bl**dy amazonian tart that she is. As I said to someone at the beginning of all this (back in Feb 2009) – I could just about cope with him exploring the upper reaches of the amazon – it was the lower reaches I objected to!!
BTW I’m just trying to make myself laugh this morning. Though laughter seems a long way off. And thank you AJ for your comment to my previous post! And the youtube link – brilliant. That did make me giggle!!
How I just wish someone could wave a magic wand which will:
- Sort out all this clearing out for me
- Sort out all the notifications I need to do with the move. The utility companies, insurances, etc (OK I know I do this as a job so am perfectly capable – I just want someone to share the burden)
- Sort out my mind – with no effort from me – just do it. A sort of mind altering moment as in Harry Potter
- Just take away all the stress and pressure
Actually – at this moment – all I want to do is shout HELP!
But I know that’s not possible. As
- only I can sort out all the detritus that surrounds me
- only I know what I want to keep.
- only I can deal with all the paperwork
- only I can sort out my mind. I can be given/shown the tools to do it but ultimately I have to put in the effort to do it. Only I can control me. And at the moment that’s just too big an ask.
And sitting here mulling over all this is not going to make the mountain of clearing any smaller.
I really do just want to give up and hide. But I know I can’t.
(12.00 midday) All I can do is cry – and today I am really crying. Sorting out our bedroom was always going to be tough – which is why I’d been putting it off. And it is. And no it bl**dy well isn’t cathartic.
Radio 2 is going through the best 50 duets of all time and this is one of mine. I think I need to heed the words:
1.30pm: Lunch break. Crying has turned into body-shaking sobbing. And no I can’t turn any of these bloody negatives into positives – there are none right now. I can’t. Maybe I just can’t today. Maybe I just don’t want to any more. And someone has just rung me up and asked my to dinner on Weds evening (which I have accepted) but I wish they would stop telling me I will feel better once I’ve moved, once I’ve completed all this sh*t, once I’ve ‘moved on’, once ……..
And I know I sound ungrateful – to all those who are encouraging me in all their different ways. I’m sorry, I’m not ungrateful I just can’t cope. I just happen to be stressed out of my mind.
3.3opm: Tea break. I’ve always been able to judge how well I’m doing by the number of handkerchiefs I have to wash. I’ve just run out of clean ones! Which hasn’t happened for a while.
I know this sounds self-indulgent BUT: This SO SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING TO ME. But it is. And how Alex can claim he still cares when he’s done what he’s done and behaved the way he has is beyond me. He has a very odd way of showing care.
Going through our past today has been very very emotional. As I come across various items – usually by accident – and remember the wonderful times we had together. It just seems so wrong that it all had to end. I am not a hard, cold, dispassionate person. I wish I was. I could then bin all the physical reminders of our past without a second look. I am emotional, I care. So it hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. And this reality check of what has happened and what we had is so hard to get through. And I haven’t finished yet.
And I’m not even going to touch the photos – they’re going straight to store. Going through those would finish me off completely.
I sometimes wonder what the point of ME is! I felt I used to know. And no it hasn’t got anything to do with work. I thought I was important and mattered to Alex. I was important to my Dad in the last years of his life as I was one of his chief carers. I just don’t feel I matter anymore. Not really. I am an inconvenience to my brothers. And yes I know I have friends and you, my readers, who email me and comment on this blog – which is great. You do matter – thank god you’re out there.
And Yes I know “your mind gives you what you focus on” (life coaching moment) BUT actually I am not focusing on a miserable future. I don’t know what I’m focusing on. Very difficult not to focus on the past as the past is what I’m dealing with right now. And I don’t need to be reminded of any of it just now! And If I want to have a mini-rant I can as this is my blog and I can write what I like!!
OK I’ve made myself grin through my tears!! Gosh I do sound like a stroppy teenager!!
5.30pm – A dose of ironing has been very calming. The sobbing has stopped. Enough for today. My emotions can’t take any more for today. I’m listening to Radio 3 and Mozart (It’s Mozart all this week!). Also soothing and calming. and I now have a clean supply of handkerchiefs so I can bawl my eyes out again!! Not that I feel I can now. I’m cried out for now.
So it’s back to work tomorrow. Probably a good thing. I need a break from all this. I’ve emailed Alex to sort out the phone bill and to come and get the things I’ve found which belong to him.
I look dreadful. Crying has done nothing for my appearance. I have red eyes, black rings under my eyes. This is NOT a good look!
And just to add another mini-rant: How come people feel it’s good to say to me:
“We were invited to Alex’s for dinner the other night. He was on his own. Pity we were really looking forward to meeting his new woman”. So – on the one hand – I can feel pleased he is on his own – and on the other I wanted to dot her one for wanting to meet HER. Actually people just don’t think! But then she’s one of those who has told me: I should NOT be going to Life Coaching or any other form of therapy, I should be moving on, letting go, that clearing out will be good for me + several other things, Including did I know I was bossy! Anyway it’s all OK for her – she’s been happily married for nearly 30 years and has absolutely no idea what any of this is like!