This appears to be the problem. Well it is for me! (and this has taken me 2 hours – from 5.15am to 7.15am – to write!)
My mind seems to having its own private war with itself. And so many things are whizzing around in it – all in conflict with each other that it actually hurts! I know I repeat myself time and time again to people. I tell people the same story. I write the same words. As I can’t remember who I’ve told what to – and no this isn’t an age thing – it’s because too much is going on and I feel I can’t process all the information fast enough. I really do feel as though I’ve got hundreds of random ideas and messages pouring in from all directions and I seem to have mislaid the “Sorting Office”!
This happens more at night than during the day – when I can – more often than not – take control and find the Sorting Office door (but still have problems opening it).
Writing about it here appears – at the moment – to be the only place where I can somehow get some of it into some sort of order (sorry for all the somes in this sentence).
So how do I feel? This – dear reader – is for my benefit ….. and the list is in no particular order:
- A lot of the time I feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Mesmerised by the horror of everything, unable to move. I just watch – stuck and almost paralysed.
- I feel cornered and unable to find the ‘exit’
- I feel as though I’ve been dumped into a washing machine but instead of being put on spin cycle so that all the grot can be pushed out by the centrifugal force, I’m being tossed about in this drum crashing down every time I reach the top.
- I feel very scared: I am scared of being on my own. I am scared of not having enough money to live the life I want to live. That I won’t have the financial stability I had with Alex. And looking at my future finances (as in when I retire) I can see why I feel scared.
- I am scared that I will continue to be over-flexible where any relationship is concerned.
- I’m scared of actually embarking on a new relationship
- I’m scared I’m too old
- I feel this is never-ending and that I should be doing a great deal better than this
- I feel I should be ‘cured’ by now.
No wonder I want a magic wand!
So what are these thoughts that are in such conflict: OK here goes. Again no particular order:
- My life with Alex was the safest and happiest I have ever been in my life. And no I’m not putting a rosy glow on it. There were moments when I felt he shut me out. There were problems. I know that.
- We had such fun together. Holidays were brilliant. Home life was a mixture of good/OK/undercurrent of concern and brilliant (in that order)
- The sex wasn’t good a lot of the time. a) because I froze and b) because he became too diffident and far too frequently far too quick (I know this is a TMI moment – but: his staying power was sometimes almost non-existent) – but when it was good (as the saying goes) it was very, very good.
- I can’t seem to get my head round why he ran. It’s as though a new person has inhabited his body – an alien – and I want someone to kill off the alien and give me back the Alex of old – BUT – with more strength than he had before and someone who is now comfortable with himself. Because I think he would have run anyway – even without the Amazon Tart. But without her I think we could have sorted out the problems. But only via the life coaching route.
- Because – whenever we meet we get on so well. And providing we keep off the subject of “feelings” it’s as though none of this has happened. We are incredible friends and that makes all this so much harder. To remain friends without being lovers is not something I can live with so there is a conflict of the future I want and the one he says he wants. Maybe he actually doesn’t know what he really wants. And I know I can’t fix it (another conflict -as I am a good fixer!!).
- I hate being on my own as my safety net has been removed. And I know I can perfectly well cope – I just don’t want to.
- And I know all the above is the part of me that is clinging to the past and the past is gone and over and there’s no point in clinging to it but this is what I am feeling and this – today – is my Sorting Office. I need this written down to try and stop all these war-ing factions in my brain.
- And much as I hate to admit it I want Alex and I to sort out our issues and have a future together which does grow, is romantic and rosy and Hollywood …..
- Either that or would someone kill off that bit which still cares!
so what have I learnt/ gained/achieved since Alex left:
- I have survived for almost 2 years without dying!
- I have made an amazing number of friends I didn’t have before.
- I have made friends through this blog which is wonderful and I am touched that people come and read this and even find it helpful
- I have a buoyant personality which is capable of seeing humour in all this!
- I am stronger than I think I am
- I have dug deep and uncovered the fact that I was sexually assaulted at 15 and I now understand that it was more than wrong, that I shouldn’t have accepted it as OK and now I also understand why I freeze and what I really need is to be cuddled and hugged and gently, very gently made love to by someone who can spend all the time in the world helping me get over this and that one of the reasons I did freeze with Alex was he often was just getting his own sexual gratification and not really giving me what I needed. But then I hadn’t told him – so he didn’t know and that is very sad. And I also think as he’s never come to terms with his emotions he didn’t know how anyway.
- This is an aside to this list: You know – a lot of this is all coming down to sex!!! (Sorry but I am writing this as I think it in an attempt to sort out all the muddle. And sex seems to be playing a large part in my thoughts just now! )
- I’ve learnt that the fixer in me takes over when I see things going wrong. This is fine at work – where I fix as a job – it’s what I’m paid to do – but to do it in our marriage was wrong. I became ‘the man’ in my attempt to sort out our problems. I didn’t know I was doing it at the time – I do now.
- I have gained an ability to stand up and speak to large groups of people. Something which is totally new. I have never – in my entire life – been able to do this. But suddenly I can. And this is an amazing positive.
- I feel I have become a great deal nicer as a person. Softer and more understanding of others.
- I treat people better.
- I know I want an ‘oak tree’ type person for a partner – someone who will care for me but also want to watch me ‘fly’
- I am funny.
- I can write – sometimes quite amusingly
So where do I go from here? And this – of course – is the problem! Or should that be the opportunity.
- I want to get rid of the dreams. Last night’s involved the friends of the man who assaulted me. I stood up and told them all what he’d done.
- I want to be loved and cared for and not be on my own
- I do want my dream future
- I want to kill off the ‘washing machine’ which attacks me so often and be free of all the turmoil that envelops me when I lower my guard for a second.
- I want more hugs! Well actually I want hugs Full Stop. I’m not getting any at the moment. I so need hugs!
- I want all this to be a great deal easier than it is!
- I want to understand my values, how to put them in order and how to apply the rules so I don’t let myself down
- And much as I find Life Coaching interesting and valuable I don’t want to be doing it for the rest of my life!