Friday’s Life Coaching session didn’t have one of those eureka moments – more a slow, calm change in outlook and the dawning of understanding.
Over the last 5 months I have been learning that we all have different versions of ourselves which we bring into play in different situations.
To help understand these my LC (Life Coach) has encouraged me to find and give the very basic versions of me different names – but names which are part of me, names which I had been called at different stages in my life.
Interestingly the name I use here on this blog isn’t the name I use every day but IS a name I actually have. I’ve never felt very strongly about Caroline, other than it is a name I have. On Friday I found ‘she’ is the one who is the really caring one – the ‘mothering and forgiving’ one. So the one who talked to the 15 year old me (who has yet another name – my childhood nickname) and gave her a ‘hug’ and took the pain away.
The name I use every day is the strong me. The business me. The fixer and problem solver. The me that copes in difficult situations and can be relied upon not to give up. But over the last 5 months has become a much softer version of me as I have come to understand ME. And that process has made me like my name more – more than I have done for years. I used to think my name was rather hard and masculine. It isn’t – it’s great! And I really like it now!! She is the one who can now stand up and make speeches in public – and feel confident about herself!
But I’ve discovered and realised more since Friday. As you know – dear reader – about 4 years ago I wrote a story – a very steamy, over graphic – unecessarily specific sex-romp story! Alex encouraged me to write it and he – and now 2 other people – have been the only people to have read it. (I’m building it up here so if it’s ever published I will have people dying to read it!!). The story has 2 main female characters (one of whom I hate – she has no self-respect and does things that no woman in her right mind would do) and one who is so much me – scared of sex and scared of being seduced. Then there’s the main male lead – my ‘hero’ who is this strong, caring, loving, amusing, dependable man – the man who seduces the scared girl with such tenderness and gentleness she overcomes all her fears.
I’ve only just realised this but the name I chose for this man is one of Alex’s names. A name he doesn’t like and never refers to if he can help it.
For me this is the version of Alex I really crave for – the one I believe I married. The one I actually need, want and loved. The one who I did enjoy sex with (albeit not all the time – but then that’s my problem!) And I just wonder if it’s this version of him which is the one actually Alex wants – or would like – to be.
I hope – dear reader – you can grasp what I have tried to explain. It’s very difficult to be clear unless you have been through the process! So if you’re confused – Sorry!! I know what I’m trying to say! And I am sure somewhere on my LC’s website/blog there is a lot more on the subject – and probably explained much more clearly!! Actually this post of his explains it very well