Muddled morning

OK I know I’ll be in big trouble with you all as – yes  – you’ve guessed it I’m having a looking back moment.  Sorry.  Perhaps it’s inevitable given the move .  And I’ve probably said all this numerous times before on this blog – so a huge amount of repetition!!  You’re getting it all today!!

I wish I’d started this blog a great deal sooner than I did – then I would have the full story of all this – that first year – when I put my life on hold – as I watched Alex prevaricate.  Those frequent walks around the lake where we got on so well and managed to talk.  The time he emailed me and asked my forgiveness, saying he really loved me and wanted to come back.  All those times when I lived with such hope that the man I thought was my rock and my oak tree actually would prove to be so.

You see, dear reader, when it happened it  seemed to me that it was so sudden.   He said and behaved as  if he was in some personal meltdown – not in charge of his emotions – he said as much.  And I believed him.  So I clung on to this.  I even ‘allowed’ him his affair – because I was scared that if I really ‘threw him away’ then he would go to an even bleaker place than he was already.  What evidence I had of that I don’t know.  Because on the day he told me he had slept with HER I threw my wedding ring at him and really shouted and yelled and – what did he do – he paid attention and panicked so much he contacted his best friend the next day for help and guidance  – he really paid attention and responded  – he began to treat me with respect.  So what did I do – I let him off the hook instead of sticking to my values.

So without realising it at the time, I played an important role in the final collapse of my marriage.  OK I  now know I had ‘my problem’ – but the problem has never been all the time.  It was triggered by how I was made love to. So sometimes I was fine and sometimes not – probably never as good for me as some of you out there experience  – from what I’ve read!  But like the rest of the human race I did ‘get there’ on occasions (sorry – a TMI moment!)!   But I know I am not an enthusiastic lover – which is what I want to become.   When it was wrong I  know I just ‘provided my body’ whilst my mind went into total freeze mode – a sort of “hopefully this will soon be over”  state.  Not good.  And  scary  for me as I didn’t understand why.

But what I do know is all I want is to be treated exactly how AJ described I should be treated (see his Guest Post below).  And If I AM treated that way and I learn to respond then it will be BRILLIANT!!

I do see now that there were other issues – Alex often ‘disconnected’ from our marriage.  So he has his type of problem too.  We needed help to sort it all out.  But I’ve always believed that we had – at a fundamental level  – something really good to build on.  We just both needed to want to build.   In fact to knock down the remaining walls (and I use walls on purpose as they have so many meanings, in so many contexts), to get ourselves back to the foundations of how we felt about each other back when we fell in love and then rebuild.  I did.  Alex didn’t.

The rest of my muddled morning moments is really to do with wanting to move, but not wanting to leave.    And as I have no option I might as well JFDI it!

4 thoughts on “Muddled morning

  1. Huh…hm…and again, huh…
    Well, my opinion is that he was and is just too weak. Slam the door, have yourself a little cry, attack the fridge, then dress up, go out with your friends and move on. Stop thinking about it, you`ve wasted too much time on it already. It sounds rigid, cruel maybe, but these are the facts. Take your birth given right to be happy and fullfiled. With both arms.

    P.S. we are not getting any younger and we sure deserve to be happy, so think about it as a lesson you had to learn and use it for your own sake.

  2. Generally I don’t comment on other peoples comments but….
    Unless by attacking the fridge you mean to punch, kick or push it down the stairs, I’m not so sure finding comfort in a 2 jars of marmite, three frozen pizzas, and a bottle of chocolate syrup is the answer either.
    Your not getting any younger? How old are you? When did finding intimacy and falling in love again come with an expiration date?
    I’m sure you mean well, but this wasn’t a middle school breakup, but the collapse of a 17 year marriage.
    It might take more than a box of sugar donuts and a night out snogging to move on! It takes what it takes. AJ

  3. Of course I mean well. This is why I left the comment on th 1st place.
    17 years…..too much. Because based on the things you`ve said, he didn`t desereved a month of it. And please, stop defend and justify him. You are not the one who have done something wrong. (i.e. I walked, seriously, I`ve done it for few months, few hours each day, but a friend of mine started to cook, to gratify herself with cuisine wonders and it helped)

    Re the fridge: not literally:-))) what I meant was that you have the right to indulge yourself, and that you`re the one who has the right to do it in a way which suits you must. And yes, it is very OK to be angry.
    (I`ve done the same thing as you, and then I` finished in the hospital for the cause of not admitted anger, it looks like my body wasn`t satisfied with all that “he is a good man, and we are both guilty, we have to stay friends after all…”. It is OK, just let it out. You don`t owe nothing to anybody, just to yourself)

    And after all that, just let yourself go to be you. Good things do happen when you do.

    Re the not getting younger: you have to focus on yourself again. I know that you have to do all that mourning part but do it for you, about you and just you. He had million of chances and he blew it. This is why. And you do deserve something beautiful not this… Maybe now you don`t see it, but there are billions of good things there just waiting for you.
    (again, my own experience, I haven`t

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