OK I know I’ll be in big trouble with you all as – yes – you’ve guessed it I’m having a looking back moment. Sorry. Perhaps it’s inevitable given the move . And I’ve probably said all this numerous times before on this blog – so a huge amount of repetition!! You’re getting it all today!!
I wish I’d started this blog a great deal sooner than I did – then I would have the full story of all this – that first year – when I put my life on hold – as I watched Alex prevaricate. Those frequent walks around the lake where we got on so well and managed to talk. The time he emailed me and asked my forgiveness, saying he really loved me and wanted to come back. All those times when I lived with such hope that the man I thought was my rock and my oak tree actually would prove to be so.
You see, dear reader, when it happened it seemed to me that it was so sudden. He said and behaved as if he was in some personal meltdown – not in charge of his emotions – he said as much. And I believed him. So I clung on to this. I even ‘allowed’ him his affair – because I was scared that if I really ‘threw him away’ then he would go to an even bleaker place than he was already. What evidence I had of that I don’t know. Because on the day he told me he had slept with HER I threw my wedding ring at him and really shouted and yelled and – what did he do – he paid attention and panicked so much he contacted his best friend the next day for help and guidance – he really paid attention and responded – he began to treat me with respect. So what did I do – I let him off the hook instead of sticking to my values.
So without realising it at the time, I played an important role in the final collapse of my marriage. OK I now know I had ‘my problem’ – but the problem has never been all the time. It was triggered by how I was made love to. So sometimes I was fine and sometimes not – probably never as good for me as some of you out there experience – from what I’ve read! But like the rest of the human race I did ‘get there’ on occasions (sorry – a TMI moment!)! But I know I am not an enthusiastic lover – which is what I want to become. When it was wrong I know I just ‘provided my body’ whilst my mind went into total freeze mode – a sort of “hopefully this will soon be over” state. Not good. And scary for me as I didn’t understand why.
But what I do know is all I want is to be treated exactly how AJ described I should be treated (see his Guest Post below). And If I AM treated that way and I learn to respond then it will be BRILLIANT!!
I do see now that there were other issues – Alex often ‘disconnected’ from our marriage. So he has his type of problem too. We needed help to sort it all out. But I’ve always believed that we had – at a fundamental level – something really good to build on. We just both needed to want to build. In fact to knock down the remaining walls (and I use walls on purpose as they have so many meanings, in so many contexts), to get ourselves back to the foundations of how we felt about each other back when we fell in love and then rebuild. I did. Alex didn’t.
The rest of my muddled morning moments is really to do with wanting to move, but not wanting to leave. And as I have no option I might as well JFDI it!