Apathy!

Sorry but this seems to be a new stage I’m going through!

I just “Can’t be asked” and part of me just can’t be bothered.

This is incredibly childish!   But I don’t appear to be able to shake it off.

I’ve felt like this for quite a while now (probably the last 2/3 weeks).  I muster the energy to say the right things to people and smile and behave the way to make them feel I’m doing OK and making progress and that I’m climbing from “Ground Level”  up to the top of my ‘mountain top’  but actually I’m not.

A large part of me  just finds it too much effort.  I really do feel I’ve reached a plateau.

I’ve been shown all the tools by my LC and I know right now ‘Massive Action’ is what I have to take.  I’ve been shown other tools on how to focus, on creating goals, on making choices, on living by my values.  I even understand that these are the things I need to live by; that this is the route I need to take.

But I am still convinced, to the core of my being, that this future  is the wrong future.  That for all his faults, and mine, that Alex and I were supposed to be together and could be amazingly happy together. That this ending is the wrong ending.

And yes, dear reader, I do know that I can do nothing about it.  Alex has to see there was/is another option to the one he has chosen.

And I also know that until he does that I have to get on with my life and do things so I don’t turn into a miserable, apathetic(!), pathetic divorcee who whinges around and doesn’t do anything.

So I will go on smiling.  I will go out.  I will go on telling everyone I’m fine.  And maybe one day I’ll believe it and it will be true.

It’s just – right now – it isn’t.

That’s all for now.  No sympathy.  It just is the way it is.

blog surfing is interesting!

I’ve had a little surf round various blogs:  Bloggers who comment on blogs who comment on mine.

I always have a good old read, not just their recent posts but any additional pages these bloggers add so I get a feel about who they are and why they blog.

It’s all very interesting!  I then did a check on the Stats for my blog and actually very few readers read the other pages I’ve created. Blimey am I that boring??!!

Still I’m not going to delete them.  To me they are important and all part of what I’ve been through/am going through.

BTW I’m beginning to feel a bit better. Well I should be I’ve spent nearly all today asleep!!

But spooky – something is running over the roof. That’s the first night time noise I’ve heard since I’ve been here.

Today is a day NOT to think

I woke with a headache to beat all headaches!  It seemed to consume my entire body.  Even my feet hurt.  I wanted someone to massage the pain away.  So I called in sick and avoided  writing myself off by setting off to work.  I went back to bed and I slept!

It’s now midday and I am curled up in bed contemplating how I feel – which is rather washed out.

So today is not a day to think!  Difficult that!!  But maybe what I mean is not to make decisions on what I’m thinking as today is the sort of day when it would be lovely to be looked after and cossetted and that clearly is not going to happen!!

Today is a day where the Why questions loom large.

Today is a day when looking forward seems rather too daunting and looking back too easy.

Today needs to be a day when I just am and all I should be doing is allowing me some time for myself.

Perhaps that’s what today is for.

If you’ve never been taught to give

I think one of the issues my mother-in-law had was she never allowed people to give to her.

She appeared to dislike affection.  She pushed people away.  Yes she ‘did her duty’ but she always had to justify any act of generosity or giving towards her.

Maybe that explains why Alex and his siblings don’t know how to really give. They never learnt.  They were never allowed the opportunity to develop this.

The joy and act of giving is immense.  Incredibly satisfying and amazing.  And I don’t mean giving in a material sense. I mean giving as in giving love, affection, time.  The act of just being in the moment and enjoying the experience without justification.

I think this is why I find the collapse  and waste of my marriage so frustrating.  If Alex could experience the joys of really giving and feel how amazing that is then maybe his eyes would start to open and he would see what he could have had.

We can all learn new skills.  It is never too late.

Just a thought.