I lack an idea

I suppose that’s what it all comes down to.  I need a reason, an idea,  a purpose.

Alex’s card on Saturday really threw me. But actually what did he mean by that message.  He may be very sorry for all the distress he’s caused – but it didn’t stop him doing it did it?  It didn’t stop him smashing up our marriage and pitchforking me into all this horror.  Either he really, really dislikes me (which I find hard to believe)  or this OW is so amazing he can’t help himself (in which case why isn’t he living with her and not giving me a second’s thought) or he  does actually still care and is just plain lost and confused (in which case why isn’t he prepared to take that leap of faith and really ‘work’ at our marriage to give us what we had and 10 times more).

I gather he links me with his mother.  I am a million times more affectionate, caring, giving and kinder than his mother. So why has he done that?  And the OW is so full of herself and bossy and overpowering.

I suppose all this sounds a bit ‘feeling sorry for myself’.  Maybe it does.  But it’s  what I feel at the moment.

Perhaps, ultimately, I am not very good at all this and I’ve reached the point I’m supposed to be.  I do hope not!  Because where I am at the moment isn’t that great.  It’s mediocre.  And I don’t do mediocre.

I know only I can find my future and create it.  All anyone else can do is encourage.

Maybe I’ve reached that point when I just have to DO.  Has my LC given me all the tools?  I think probably he has.  I just have to pick them up and use them.  Wishing isn’t going to make my life any different.  Doing is.  Wishing Alex was with me isn’t going to bring him back.  In fact only he can ‘bring him back’.

I know all these things.  I just seem incapable of doing anything about it.  And in the middle of the night I don’t see the point.  Which, of course, is silly.  As the point is do I want a mediocre life or a fun filled, fulfilled one?   I don’t want a mediocre one.

Maybe I just have to go solo for a while longer and enjoy it whilst I am.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

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