I have gone back into running my figure of eight which is not good – especially as I fall out of it at ‘coping’ rather than anywhere else.
So I’ve been asking myself Why?
- Maybe it’s all to do with the heap of anniversaries around now. It’s today 2 years ago that Alex actually moved out.
- Maybe it’s all my LC’s recent posts which are so constructive and useful and make me wish we had both followed this advice. I feel I did my best. Today’s Post (the 3rd in his Master Skills series) really hit home. The reason I couldn’t get angry with Alex for all the things he did is I knew he was in such pain. I wanted to be there for him and to do what he needed me to do. To be there come what may. I hoped I was. I thought I was. I think that’s why I’ve found all this so tough and hard to take. And I still can’t get really angry as I still believe he is unhappy and lost and in pain.
But I have to live my life. I don’t want to settle for mediocre! So I need a Goal, Idea – call it what you like to give me a boost! And that – just now – is the problem!! I want to do something – I just don’t know what.
OK I’m keeping reasonably busy – taking photos – designing and sewing – playing the piano – fighting for the retention of the local Green belt – reading and blogging. But I need a greater purpose.
And I need to understand all this Values business and how to put them in order! I am getting there but I do lose sight of it all a lot of the time.