My figure of Eight

I have gone back into running my figure of eight which is not good – especially as I fall out of it at ‘coping’ rather than anywhere else.

So I’ve been asking myself Why? 

  • Maybe it’s all to do with the heap of anniversaries around now.  It’s today 2 years ago that Alex actually moved out.
  • Maybe it’s all my LC’s recent posts which are so constructive and useful and make me wish we had both followed this advice.  I feel I did my best.  Today’s Post  (the 3rd in his Master Skills series) really hit home.  The reason I couldn’t get angry with Alex for all the things he did is I knew he was in such pain.  I wanted to be there for him and to do what he needed me to do.  To be there come what may.  I hoped I was.  I thought I was.  I think that’s why I’ve found all this so tough and hard to take.  And I still can’t get really angry as I still believe he is unhappy and lost and in pain.

But I have to live my life.  I don’t want to settle for mediocre!  So I need a Goal, Idea – call it what you like to give me a boost!  And that – just now  – is the problem!!  I want to do something – I just don’t know what.

OK I’m keeping reasonably busy – taking photos – designing and sewing – playing the piano – fighting for the retention of the local Green belt – reading and blogging.  But I need a greater purpose.

And I need to understand all this Values business and how to put them in order!  I am getting there but I do lose sight of it all a lot of the time.

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