I’ve been thinking about this a great deal and Stephen’s (the LC) Master Class of Master Skills – posted over the last week – has reminded me where Alex and I ended up.
But I didn’t want to be there. All I wanted – and still want – is to be looked after, loved, cared for, nurtured and …… well – and everything really. Not in a ‘Alex I want you to control me way’ but in a Alex giving way.
And I know he likes being this strong man. He always was when we went on our travels. He took control. He cared for me. He looked after me. He made me feel I mattered. He was ‘there’ for me. And he was a happier man when he did it.
So why couldn’t he be like that all the time. Why did he revert back when we got home. Not all the time. But Home seemed to be a place where he put me in charge. And damn it I do ‘Being in charge as a job’ – I don’t need or want to do it at home!!
I know I’ve always said that Alex ran because that was the easy option. But maybe from Alex’s view point – that was the only option he could see as being available to him. If all he had ever learnt from his childhood was to block out and run when things weren’t right then no other option was there. And yet through all this there have been glimpses, glimmers – call it what you will – of times when he knew there was a different solution. He was the one who originally suggested we went to Marriage Guidance Counselling – and then cancelled at the last minute.
When I suggested he went to see the relationship coach I’d found he agreed – and has done so.
It’s almost as though he walks up to the door that could be opened and give him the better life he is looking for but then he can’t quite bring himself to open it and go through as this is completely against what has ‘kept him safe’ all through his life to now and so part of his mind is shouting “No don’t go there” – and at the moment that part is still ‘winning’ and controlling him.
So instead he has run to a woman who is stronger than me (by several miles), who (and this is based on the one time I met her – albeit a 2 day encounter in our house!) gets a buzz from solving problems and getting people to do what she wants. He has run to her because she offered all the things he thought would solve the confusion and dilemma in his mind. I wonder if it has?
And I know none of the above is getting me anywhere. It’s focusing on the past instead of the future. It’s focusing on Pain not Pleasure. It’s doing all the things I’m not supposed to do. I’ll be in deep trouble tomorrow at my next LC session. But this has been triggered by his Master Skills posts – so he has to take some of the responsibility for me having a nostalgic wish!!