An unexpected turn….

I’ve just got home from a fairly emotional day at work.  My great friend and supporter retired today!

As I said in my comments below – I got more emotional than she did!  Our departing CEO asked me to make a speech for her – which I did – very short.  I gave her a huge bouquet of flowers which she really loved.

Our retired Finance Director also turned up so it was good to have a chat to him about all my ‘trials’ as he knows Alex.  But all in all I did get rather embarrassingly tearful!!

Then I come home – rather late – feeling very tired and find a bouquet of flowers waiting for me at home – from ALEX!  Sent with love, and wishing me a Happy Belated Birthday!

Comments  – views please!

Why am I Scared?

Now there’s an interesting question! Even writing it seems ludicrous!  But when I really ‘dig deep’  over how I feel and what I want in life it seems to boil down to being scared of ‘letting go’ of my belief in my Very-Soon-To-Be Ex husband and the cast iron certainty that what we are doing is going in the wrong direction!

Anyway whilst I go on believing this no-one on the planet can help me.  Apart from – I suppose – the aforementioned husband!  And he doesn’t want to!  At least he doesn’t at the moment!!

Now every sane person on the planet will be shouting at this blog and saying “For crying out loud Caroline get on with your life!”.  And in their shoes I would be doing exactly the same!!

So I leave you with this thought for now:  Why am I scared?

Time could be the only answer now

My prolific blogging phase of the weekend seems to have dried up!!  I’ve been left without anything much to say!  Which as most of you know is very unlike me.

I’ve decided to spare you all the day-to-day run of the ups and downs of emotions I seem to go through and only write about them when they really hit!  Phew!  I hear you all say!!  Well it was becoming rather repetitive (and I have a shrewd suspicion that if I wade back through my posts I will find I’ve said this before!!).

So I will accept them for what they are and weather each storm quietly on my own!  (Or I may blog them – who knows!!).

I do believe that only time will really heal how I feel. It already is.  The acute pain I felt 2 years ago when I didn’t think I would ever recover –  the pain which lasted right up until about September last year – has gone.  I’m left with a dull ache.  An ache which jars every so often and reminds me it’s still there.

I have to live with the ache.  Ignore it as much as I can.  Exercise my mind to happier thoughts.  Don’t look too far into the future as that’s too un-nerving.  Live.

Enjoy your day everyone.  It’s yours and mine to do the best we can with it.

There is a life…..

There is a life – a world out there
Which isn’t round and isn’t square
It’s just the shape that you create
For you alone at any rate.

It houses all your hopes and dreams
With stitching tight at all its seams
It holds your future in its palm
To protect you – from any harm..

It needs some things for you to do
To focus on when you feel blue
To giggle lots and make you grin –
So your sense of humour will always win!

Remember it’s not all a race
Take some things at a slower pace
Like making love – to be sublime –
It’s better in Slow, Slow time!

It’ll want some love along the way
To share those moments every day
To hold you when the sun goes down
To wipe away a tear or frown.

But don’t settle for second best
It’s daunting, but that’s the real test.
To have someone who really cares
To have someone who truly shares

Its sun is shining on your plot
Its there for you – it’s what you’ve got.
So hold it close and live it true
And stick to being the real you.

E E Cummings

What wonderful quotes from this man.  I’d never heard of him until yesterday.  I’ve now googled him and here are some of his quotes/aphorisms which “do it for me!”:

“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”

“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star…”

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

“Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.”

“Your homecoming will be my homecoming”