Note this ramble below is not me feeling sorry for myself, I am not in that mood today. Even if the following does sound like it. It’s more analysis!! Today I need to analyse!
So clearly I am wrong. I am wrong to have believed Alex and I could have found the happiness I believe in. I am wrong to have hung on for so long. I am wrong to have believed I should ‘be there’ for him through whatever trauma he is going/has gone through.
That’s what so many people seem to be telling me.
And accepting I am wrong is quite unnerving. Because if I am so wrong over all this what else am I wrong about.
Am I wrong to believe I love him. Was I wrong to have married him. Am I wrong to feel that what we had was something special.
Am I really supposed to trash it all just in order to heal my broken heart. Because I am not prepared to do that. The healing has to be from a position of honesty. The honesty which comes from the heart, not the head.
I am told I have to ‘Move On’, to ‘Let Go’. Well clearly there is no future in clinging to Alex – I can’t he isn’t in ‘clinging’ reach. And if ‘Ship Alex’ has sunk then there’s no point in going down with the ship as it heads for the bottom of the ocean. I hadn’t realised that the iceberg we hit had holed the ship so badly sinking was the only option.
I hadn’t realised because like the iceberg which collided with the Titanic everything on Ship Alex seemed OK. I will admit we might have been having a rather doldrums moment but I believed the wind would pick up and we would continue sailing forward.
I always thought Alex was captain of our ship. But like the captain of the Titanic maybe he dithered about which way to go for too long. So in the end he jumped ship rather than steer or sink with it!
The other thing I have to acknowledge – sooner or later – is that Alex must really dislike me to have done what he has. To decide he isn’t even interested in discussing the issues he feels he has. Not to want to investigate and consider other options than the one he has chosen. And if he does dislike me so much what in hell’s name did I do to generate that feeling. I find this all very interesting. Because if my LC is right and all men want to do is to please their partner and make them happy then why didn’t Alex want to do that for me?
As I said at the start of this post. I am NOT feeling sorry for myself today – just analytical! I find I have to investigate these thoughts which keep bubbling to the surface, I have to confront them or all they do is go round and round. Perhaps confronting them will make them, finally, go away!
Perhaps if Ship Alex had dealt with the ducks (which I wrote about in December) earlier then we could have steered a different course!! Who knows.
Maybe it’s answers I want. Which I know I won’t get. And do answers help? Good question! The psychologist who ran the Divorce Support Group I went on last year was adamant that answers made not a jot of difference. Well maybe for her they didn’t. So although I sort of understand where she was coming from I don’t totally agree.
And that’s another thing. I’ve had all this advice, points of view, guidance, challenges etc from all these experts. But Who is Right? And who do I believe and put my trust in? That trust to guide me in the right direction. I know a lot of the time people are playing devil’s advocate in order to challenge me and encourage me to dig deep and investigate my true feelings, wishes, hopes and desires. So when do I believe what they are saying and when do I challenge them.
When do I acknowledge that I’m wrong and they’re right?!! Or vice versa!