It’s not the now…

Namib Desert

It’s not the Now, it’s the Never that takes a lot of getting used to.  And by that I mean it’s the Never being with the person again. That’s the tough bit.  If they’d died then the option  wouldn’t be available and so in some ways easier to deal with – so 2 widowed friends of mine have said.

Both reckoned what us ‘dumped’ are going through is much worse as the Never hangs in the air as something that could be changed.

Now I’m walking on very dangerous ground this evening as having just read my LC’s latest blog post I shall be told I am ‘stuck’.  So this is a dicey moment!! (He reads this you know!!) .  But then I did say I’d always be honest here so although I’m walking on ‘thin ice’ I shall be brave and say what I’m thinking.

BTW I am grinning as I write this!

But seriously it is the Never that is the tough bit.  Never to be with them again- when it could just be possible.

I remember just after Alex left for some bizarre reason I woke up one night thinking if I’d known he was going to up and go I would have paid more attention the last time he made love to me!  Which was an odd thought to have as I don’t remember NOT paying attention.  But you get my drift I hope!

So it’s all the ‘Nevers’ that cross my mind from time to time that I still have to come to terms with.

Actually I suppose I am coming to terms with them – probably rather too slowly.

Anyway it’s a talking point.  Which no doubt my LC will comment on

(Actually – dear reader – by saying this here – he may not!!!  I may be safe!!  So to speak!)

And I’m off out to the ever eventful camera club to listen to a talk on someone’s travels Southern Africa.  Which I happen to know a great deal about.  I met the speaker last week and put her nose out of joint by trying to discuss areas of Namibia which she clearly felt no one else should have visited.  (I have a shrewd suspicion I may know more than her!!!)

2 thoughts on “It’s not the now…

  1. I also found the getting stuck article a bit harsh. It doesn’t seem to acknowledge those of us who have experienced trauma.

    It’s one thing dealing with losing someone to death. There is so much more to deal with when they derail your life completely with no warning. But that’s not the real kicker. The real kicker is THE THINGS THEY SAY on the way out and the things that they must have been feeling, which lead you to revisiting events and things that your thought you thought you knew, the so called, history rewriting, which is almost impossible to avoid.

    It completely derails your reality and it takes time to work through the new one. And the triggers, like memories of fun holidays, places that were special, conversations you thought you were in agreement on etc. I don’t believe we intentionally cause ourselves triggers!

    I no longer share my continuing pain with anyone except my IC. And the paragraph above is non existant for people who have lost their spouse to death. They only have to deal with the loss part.

    It is also way less traumatic for people who haven’t been building lives together for decades. You also have to come to terms with the fact that someone’s personality can change that radically, that quickly.

    I think it takes time to get out of Lizard Mode (ala Al Turtle) while we adjust to the new reality.

    • In his defence I think he does acknowledge that it is tough. But yes I do know what you mean and I have had an email exchange with him on the subject!

      Thank you for putting your case so eloquently. And for visiting my site.

      Good luck to you too. We will all ‘get there’ in the end – we have to!

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