That’s the subject of my LC’s post today.
Was I so reliant on Alex for my happiness when I was married? I wasn’t conscious of it. I didn’t question my happiness. I just was Happy. I was content. I enjoyed life. We did things together. We shared our lives. The 17 years went by in a blink of an eye. I seriously believed we made each other happy. We appeared happy. People thought we were happy. He seemed happy.
Clearly I was 100% totally and utterly wrong. I must have been. He left.
So now how does happiness happen again. I do things. I go out. I’m cycling myself into the ground – well I have done this weekend. I’m improving my photography. I will be working on my French. I’m playing the piano again. I’m fighting to save our local airfield. I work. Every ‘do’ suggested to me I sign up for – and go!
I do all these things. I write here on my blog – which I love doing. But am I truly happy? No. Not like I was.
When I go out I smile and laugh. I’ve stopped saying ‘soldiering on’ or other phrases which might hint at my lack of happiness.
Those around me say I’m doing so well. Which is lovely. And very encouraging!
So I don’t know how true happiness happens any more. Maybe one morning I will wake up and cease to care about my loss.
I know true happiness has to come from within. But from within where? That’s the million dollar question. Because in me it’s sure hiding well.