Cycling is good exercise for the body and wonderful for the mind and soul! In my case nothing frenetic – I’m not fit enough! So a gentle up-hill, down-dale cycle ride in the wonderful countryside I live in is a great time to think – and today thinking in a more clear-headed, realistic way – I hope!
And finally I think I am getting what Stephen (the LC) keeps saying to me!
As the song goes “It’s life’s illusions I recall – I really don’t know life at all.”
My version of the ‘truth’ of my marriage had probably taken on rather too much of a rose-tinted view. Maybe the passion was all mine. The passion for travel. The passion for exploring remote areas of Southern Africa. Yes they were jointly ours for quite a time. But maybe the passion for that life died in Alex before me and I didn’t notice as I believed he felt the same way as me!
And maybe, just maybe, Alex never really truly loved me. Yes he lusted after me, he felt passion. And maybe, just maybe he proposed to me whilst still on that wave of lust and passion and actually – if someone had asked him and really made him think about love he would have answered – a bit like a certain Prince of the Realm all those years ago – “Yes, of course – whatever love is”. Because I now believe he didn’t know the true meaning of that word – FOR HIM.
And so what was he left with. He was left with the corrosive emotion of Guilt. Yes people do things in life for which they are either Innocent or Guilty, but that’s different from the consuming emotion of guilt. Because guilt can take over and block out all other emotions. All other feelings. Every action takes on a distorted reason – rather than the purer reason it should.
Guilt is so destructive. It stops people from seeing life as it’s meant to be seen, experienced and enjoyed. It stops an honest version of Truth for them.
So this is good for me. It’s helping me see the past more clearly. I need to do this – I think – to really and truly embrace the future I know I deserve to have.
If you live life with Guilt as your primary emotion then life is never going to be what it should be – for you – you may never reach your personal, real ‘truth’.
I hope facing this for me is part of putting a lid on the past. So I can – finally – “move on”!