I’ve named the gremlins

I appear to feel there are 4 of them. Don’t ask why!!  It just seems to be the case.  Now, since they have been lurking under the shadows for a few days, ready to jump out and get me if I don’t stay positive, I’ve decided to ‘name’ them.

OK don’t all rush at once to get in touch with the medical services!!  I don’t think I’m losing my marbles.  Maybe I am!!  Who knows! I just thought by making the gremlins funny – and a bit more personal – it might help!  I can’t allow myself another spectacular crash like the one I had on Saturday, it’s all too exhausting and draining and I hate the whole experience including the  washed-out feeling afterwards.

So since they seem to be in ‘my thoughts’   this is what they are now called and what I need to do to ‘shoot the little bu**ers’

1. Pointless – no point in going down that route Caroline
2. Useless – ditto
3. Valueless – remind yourself of your values, Caroline, and the rules which apply
4. Worthless – remind yourself you are not!!

OK I’m ready and I’ve taken aim!

(Stephen is going to have a field day with all this tomorrow!!)

Imprisoned by objects

This is a difficult one to overcome.

The objects in question are things that either Alex and I collected together or things that Alex gave me.

The objects which we collected together – by and large – I’m OK with now.  I can look at them and enjoy them for their beauty without feeling the heart wrenching pain I felt when he first went.  I have pictures painted by him which I love for their beauty and artistic merit. They hang on my walls and I love looking at them.

The lovely wooden Knysna Lourie bird sits on my mantelpiece and gives me pleasure.  I remember when we ran through a wood in South Africa following a  call and finally seeing this wonderful exotic bird so brilliantly camouflaged,  high in the branches, flitting about.  It was my birthday. To celebrate this ‘victory of observation’ Alex bought me a wooden model as a birthday present.

Other things adorn various shelves.  A great deal more are currently hiding in store until I have a proper place of my own again.

It’s the more personal items I’ve had massive problems with.  In particular a beautiful wooden and ostrich egg beaded bracelet which he bought me deep in the Kalahari at a Bushman village in Northern Namibia.  We had travelled over 200k off a main road, to reach the village bumping our way along an interminable  dirt road.  It took hours. We arrived at a small outpost and basic campsite where we set up our tent.  Then travelled down a small, hardly-used track to look at a massive baobab tree we’d heard about.

A young bushman lad approached us (he seemed to appear from nowhere)  and – in surprisingly good English –  invited us to his village.  We took biscuits and oranges as presents (all we had) and had a lovely afternoon meeting the villagers, none of whom spoke any English.  I just love listening to their incredible ‘click’ language. So many nuances in the different clicks and sounds.

An old lady offered us several bracelets she’d made and we chose one and paid her for it (cash!).  I love this bracelet for its workmanship, its beauty, its feel and – of course – the memories of the occasion when we got it.  And it’s that which has been the problem! I’ve not been able to wear it since Alex left.

But a few days ago I decided I had to stop being imprisoned by the objects that mean so much to me.  I couldn’t go on looking at all these things and feeling scared to wear them.  So I’ve been wearing my special bracelet virtually every day for a week now and I’m overcoming the mental block I have. I’m unlocking the prison door if you like!

All these things have to happen and ‘be dealt with’ as part of the healing process.

Some are harder than others.  Overcoming the hard ones has its own rewards. The successes may be small but they matter!

When Boot Failure doesn’t refer to footwear

I feel life was a great deal easier when Boot Failure was just a footwear malfunction!  I have a shrewd suspicion this is going to be a great deal harder to solve and probably more expensive.

Not to mention the loss of all those lovely settings I have to allow me to get on to the web sites I administer and all those bits of software I use – carefully set up to allow me to do the tweaks I want!!

And the other helpful message “Insert System Disk and Press Enter”  also sounds fun and exciting – except I don’t have a “System Disk”.  So no inserting and pressing Enter for me!!

Sums up the life of a Suddenly Single really!!

OK – so who’s out to ‘get me’!!!

I’m being plagued this weekend!!   First a power cut on Saturday night.  Then my main PC seems to have decided it doesn’t want to be a PC anymore – just a metal box!   Errors all over the place and – of course – who hasn’t been backing up the data for the last 4 months – ME!!

My laptop is working  so I can connect with the outside world but it doesn’t like printing anymore!!

Issues abound.  I hate it when things go wrong.  But I’m being rescued – and not by Alex for once.  I haven’t resorted to contacting him.

On the happiness front I’ve recovered.  Well – more correctly – I’m back on track.  I have ground to make up but I’m going forwards again!

Enjoy your day everyone.  I’ve just spent 5 hours in the freezing cold giving out campaign leaflets.

Gremlin Attack…

I’ve decided to call my ‘crashes’ gremlin attacks, as that’s what it feels like.

Overwhelmed by some sort of alien invasion which consumes my mind. When it feels that fighting is useless because the ‘real me’ isn’t going to win.

OK so yesterday I got ‘attacked’!!   The invasion was swift,  from ‘all sides’ and ruthless.  And of course I was responsible.  I must have been – no-one else  was around!  What I did to trigger the attack I have no idea.  But looking at my Values list this morning I have to say I failed to give myself any of them.  So that was a good start!!

The first invaders set up their attack sometime during yesterday afternoon when I was out at a pub with friends!  I set up a retreat from the gathering which I then executed with my usual dexterity!  (I think it’s because one of the group is someone who I really don’t like – poor chap – so the thought of an evening in his company was just too much to take!).

I got home to find no power.  Cheeringly one of my neighbours, also without power, was doing nothing to get anyone to rectify the situation.  He said he felt “powerless” – correct we all were ‘powerless’ – but a phone call (by me) got someone into action mode!!

I’ve no idea when the power was restored – I went to bed when it got dark.  My mood collapsed along with the light and I was in a really dark, weepy place before I finally fell asleep.  I shall spare you the details of where I ‘went to’ as I’m sure it doesn’t take a great deal for you to work out!!!

Not much better first thing this morning.  But I’m rallying, dear reader, I’m rallying.  The fight is back on.

My ‘alter ego’ has just had an email read out on her favourite Sunday morning show (11-1 on BBC Radio 2) – so I’m pulling myself out of the mire!

It is a pain though.  And so totally Stupid.

My Values List is right in front of me and I’m focusing on them with everything I can give.

And my apologies for the negative – but that’s the way it is today.

Time off is a challenge!

If I’m not careful (and so often I’m not!) I find myself sliding backwards.

I have this coming week off – soaking up unused leave before the end of our holiday year.

I am not going away (mainly due to my apparent burning ambition to fund my divorce solicitor’s holiday fund rather than my own!).  So this is where life gets harder than usual as I find myself galloping back to the past when every week I took off work was filled with lovely holidays either in the UK or abroad.

The result of all these rather unnecessary moments of reflection is that I feel unnerved by the prospect of time off!!   I even found myself offering to go into work!

So I need a plan!  And clearly a plan with a dose of Adventure in it!  Or I shall meander through the coming days feeling that I’ve wasted my time, put my life on hold (yet again) and generally ‘let myself down’.

Now it’s not all ‘gloom and doom’ as I have got something organised for most days over the coming week – it’s just that most of them aren’t going to take up huge amounts of time!  And I need to fill my days to bursting point so I don’t go into brooding mode! (why I should suddenly think of chickens at this point is rather worrying!!)

On that note I shall stop!