“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. ”
— Christian D Larson
And that’s what’s so easy to lose. When the person you believed would be there for you come what may, the person you loved – your best friend – your soul mate – suddenly walks away, inevitably you question your belief in yourself.
That’s what I did. The trauma rocked and destroyed the very foundations of my being. My belief in myself.
I questioned everything about myself and, in my depressed state, found myself wanting. I had failed and I had failed big time. It was completely my fault. I may not have cheated, as he had done, but I must have driven him to do all these terrible things. How else could this wonderful, gentle, kind, loving, honest man have changed into someone I almost didn’t recognise.
Then, because he kept dithering and saying he was coming back, I re-affirmed these beliefs. I convinced myself I was worthless and un-loveable. I must be – why else would the very sight of me cause this man to run. I lost – totally – any belief in myself.
And because one member of my family has always made me feel a failure – either by (hopefully inadvertently) denying my existence to his friends – or by frequently putting me down, my whole sub-conscious belief in my worthlessness was confirmed.
Then of course there was the fact that I was sexually assaulted at the age of 15 – which I’d also managed to convince myself was my fault!!! Wow – have I been doing well on ‘doing myself down’!!
So whereas I’ve always thought – at a conscious level – I loved and believed in myself – my sub-conscious was contradicting my edited version and fighting. Hence being stuck.
This is what I discovered this week at my Life Coaching session.
To find that the ‘obstacle’ I had to overcome was one I had created within me is a tough thing to face and then to deal with. But actually overcoming it will free me beyond my wildest dreams. Because freeing myself – from barriers I had created within me – will mean I won’t just fly – I’ll soar! (Sorry for all the flying references – but I am a glider pilot – so flying and soaring are part of me!!)
Now I know where the barrier is, what it is, and why, it’s becoming easier to deal with. I’m not there yet. But at least now I feel I’m on my way. My sub-conscious self still tries to drag me back (it did last night – big time) – but now I know where the fight is I can fight on the right battle front.
So the quote I found this morning is vital:
“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. “