Inevitable I suppose. As I begin to understand me, the way I am, what I do – good and bad – and acknowledge that judging myself gets me nowhere but accepting things and so releasing myself to be able to change them – I do wonder – with a passion – whether all this might have been different had I found out all this stuff before the meltdown moment.
I will admit that when I married Alex I wasn’t 100% sure I was doing the right thing! (Wow!). But I fell more deeply in love with him as time went by. However – I also knew that something was missing. He would disengage – sometimes for weeks on end – and during those times I felt very insecure, scared, fearful – call it what you will.
But had I understood me more and by that I mean understand how – maybe (actually very likely – ouch) – my actions from a position of fear ‘put him off’ – then perhaps things could have been so different. After all he fell in love with the non-fearful me – the bouncy, Tigger like me who giggles and laughs and was just me! Pity I then almost ‘killed’ her off. Reasons for why can be found deep in other posts in this blog – if you have the tenacity to search!!!
So me re-discovering me – with Stephen’s help – is fascinating but also disturbing as the question hangs in the air. That million dollar question – the one with the ‘sting in the tail’ – which cannot be answered as history cannot be re-run with a different script.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not feeling any self-pity – there is no angst today. It’s just a question – for which there is no answer. Triggered I think, not only by the current stage I’m working through in my LC sessions but also by the book I’ve just started reading (which I have to say although not written by Stephen easily could have been as so much of what it says I’ve heard him say and suggest!)
The book is called “Make Every Man Want You – (How to Be So Irresistible You’ll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself!). A book I definitely recommend!
Happy Sunday everyone I hope it’s been good for you. It has for me. (I even gave my brother a hug – which nearly finished him off!!!)