I wish I’d learnt all this before!

Inevitable I suppose.  As I begin to understand me, the way I am, what I do – good and bad – and acknowledge that judging myself gets me nowhere but accepting things and so releasing myself to be able to change them  – I do wonder – with a passion – whether all this might have been different had I found out all this stuff before the meltdown moment.

I will admit that when I married Alex I wasn’t 100% sure I was doing the right thing!  (Wow!).  But I fell more deeply in love with him as time went by.  However – I also knew that something was missing.  He would disengage – sometimes for weeks on end – and during those times I felt very insecure, scared, fearful – call it what you will.

But had I understood me more and by that I mean understand how – maybe (actually very likely – ouch)  – my actions from a position of fear ‘put him off’ – then perhaps things could have been so different.  After all he fell in love with the non-fearful me – the bouncy, Tigger like me who giggles and laughs  and was just me!  Pity I then almost ‘killed’ her off.  Reasons for why can be found deep in other posts in this blog – if you have the tenacity to search!!!

So me re-discovering me –  with Stephen’s help – is fascinating but also disturbing as the question hangs in the air. That million dollar question – the one with the ‘sting in the tail’ –  which cannot be answered as history cannot be re-run with a different script.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not feeling any self-pity – there is no angst today.  It’s just a question – for which there is no answer.  Triggered I think, not only by the current stage I’m working through in my LC sessions but also by the book I’ve just started reading (which I have to say although not written by Stephen easily could have been as so much of what it says I’ve heard him say and suggest!)

The book is called “Make Every Man Want You  – (How to Be So Irresistible You’ll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself!).  A book I definitely recommend!

Happy Sunday everyone I hope it’s been good for you.  It has for me.  (I even gave my brother a hug – which nearly finished him off!!!)

9 thoughts on “I wish I’d learnt all this before!

  1. Hi Caroline,
    Your post really makes me think about relationships in general, but mine in particular. This injury has changed me, and because I haven’t finished with the injury, I haven’t finished the change. I don’t recognize myself and sometimes I don’t think my bf recognizes the me he fell in love with either. I have been falling for, umm, 16 months and I don’t know if I will get back my happy, bubbly and determined self. I wasn’t perfect then and there are things I wouldn’t go back to, but honestly I was so much of a better person to live with. He is frustrated because I am not what I was, I am depressed because I am not what I was and am afraid I will never be again, and all he wants is to make me happy, but happiness is elusive even on my best days. It is not that he is not understanding, it is that it is unfair. My 24 year old boyfriends of three years shouldn’t have had to deal with this for half of our relationship.
    Ahh! I am sorry, another long comment. I don’t know if I am capable of writting a short one! 😛
    One last thing, I love that you have made me think about getting to know, accept and understand myself more. I have always been at least moderstely sefl actualizing, but everyone needs a reminder.
    Thanks for writing this blog.
    Best,
    o-S.

    • The determination with which you go for your walks, take your photos and blog your thoughts show how determined you are. You will get there – you are getting there! And as to your boyfriend – he may feel he shouldn’t have to deal with all this – but he is and wow what a man he is – and btw men just love being allowed to be men!! Enjoy! You are doing so well.

  2. “The sting in the tail of life”; the giant stymieing question, “what if”?
    I think each of us have received a dose of venom from a painful event or a regrettable action; one taken by us or imposed by others; I applaud your courage. Rather than getting mired in that wasted landscape, wondering why or questioning the how, you’ve managed to move forward by declaring never again. Bravo Ms. Creighton! Inspirational, and fortunate that you were able to fight off the anaphylactic reaction to one of life’s most painful stings, betrayal. Only good thoughts to you Caroline. Later AJ.

    • Thank you AJ. Thank you for reminding me I was betrayed. I was in danger there (in the night) of falling for a dose of self-pity after I’d written this post!!! And that was not the intention at all!! xx

  3. Pingback: S. Walks! – Collage « Finding Passion For Life: My Back Surgery Recovery Blog

Please do leave a comment. I'd love to read what you think

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s