The new me is slowly emerging

I feel like I’m coming out of a chrysalis and emerging into the me I’m supposed to be!

Which is rather fun and good! I’m into Goal setting now. Finding what I want my life’s purpose could be. Discussing what I’m passionate about and how I can meet my values all of the time so I give myself that passionate future.

I must be doing better. I’ve been ‘released’ from weekly life coaching and onto fortnightly!! So clearly, mentally, I’m getting there. Wherever ‘there’ is supposed to be!

And this new me has also put on about 20lbs in weight in the last 4 months – which may sound rather too much but isn’t. I was way too skinny! The result I’ve got bits of me I haven’t had for ages – including a cleavage!! It’s all takes a bit of getting used to!

“Every woman wants to change her man”

“Every woman wants to change her man” – this has been said to me on far too many occasions over the last 2+ years – almost as though it was my fault he ran.

Actually I don’t want to change him.  I want Him to Want to Change Him.

I want him to find the person he wants to be.  I thought I’d married that man years ago.  Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.  I don’t know what drove him to bury the version of him I married, so deep he can no longer connect with that version of him he was in –  in relation to me.  Because that version of him was a lovely, kind human being.

I have not seen Alex for 4 months now.  What version of him he is now ‘running’ I don’t know.  All I know is the version of Alex I have been subjected to since January 2009 has not been the person I married.  He began the ‘burial’ back in September 2008 when he met the OW.  I see that now. Though I thought then it was because he’d turned 50, it wasn’t – maybe it was because he, probably, went into fear state and started to question his feelings, abilities and everything else about himself.  And having found himself wanting buried everything he could.  Including his feelings for me, our life, our marriage, our future.

So no I don’t want to change him.  He has to want to himself. Will he ever do so?  The answer remains with him.  Only he is in charge of him and how he is and what he does with his life.  He knows where and how he can get help to achieve what and who he claims he wants to be.  But maybe he doesn’t want it enough.  Maybe the pain of where he is isn’t great enough to see that change is the only option. Maybe going through the hurdles to get to the finishing post is too great a challenge.

I  hope for his sake, that one day, hopefully soon, he does see that, as I did.  It is worth it.  So I don’t wish him well for where he is now.  As by wishing him well now it’s wishing him a mediocre life – when he could have so much more.  He lost a great deal when he left me.  So for now I wish him pain as pain is there for a reason – it should be telling us to do something about healing ourselves.

In the meantime my life is my life.  I am in charge of me.  And I am changing me so I will get the life I want, need and deserve. Which will be better than the one I have right now.  Step by step I am getting there!  Despite the wobbles and crashes!!  Life is getting so much better.  I have stupendous friends and am making more.

My stadium campaigner friends are all new and I really like them.  They tease me  – mercilessly – which is brilliant!  I make them laugh  – which is fantastic.  I am returning to being me!

I will not step blindly!

I will not and cannot step blindly into each task I am set. Be that in my job or, currently, in my life coaching homework.  I have to understand the reason and also accept the reason is valid. I also accept that I can be wrong.  I think I am pretty good at acknowledging when I am wrong.

99% of what I’ve learnt in my Life Coaching sessions I agree with.  I may have been confused at the time.  Even disagreed for a time, fought against some aspects and argued my case, but eventually I’ve understood and taken the next step towards understanding me and the future I can give myself – if I allow myself the opportunity.

It will be interesting to look back in a few weeks time and see if I finally did take the step and carry out the task Stephen set me over a week ago and I still haven’t carried out. Whether I do it and whether I do it for me or just to tick the box for him, so I can say “I did it” remains to be seen.  Ultimately unless it’s for me it’s not worth doing – because this is all about me!

For now I don’t see the reason.  So it remains on the ‘to do’ list.  It may stay there forever.  It may not.  But I will not be pushed into doing something just to tick a box!!  Intriguing nonetheless!  Am I right?  Or am I wrong?  Am I digging in??  I can be very stubborn!

These views and thoughts blossom and die at speed as they flash through my mind, a bit like the mini forest of poppies in my rented garden.  They have to have a reason to flower and bloom.  Each one has its time.  It lasts as long as it should (merely a day in the case of my poppies).  Each sews the seeds of a new idea and I move on to view and look at the new blooms of tomorrow.  Slowly I climb to the top.

How come the cheat “wins”

What bugs me – and I might add it bugs me big time – is how come the one who cheats, lies and runs and ends up living in a new relationship – all happy and snug, and presumably loved. Whereas the one who is honest, has integrity, is prepared to really work through the issues and believes in what he/she signed up to, is loving, caring and understanding – comes out of this with more hurt and pain than they can almost cope with.  And is left on their own.

Something tells me it should be the other way round!! 

As I say – just a view – but one which seems to be irritatingly going round and round my brain today.

There should be a bit more justice in this world!!!!   And in my view it should be skewed in favour of those like me and less towards those like Alex!

And finally I would add to the earlier post of “Real Men Don’t Cheat” :

“Real Men Don’t Run” (but maybe I picked that up from one of Stephen’s posts)!!

Re-reading past posts and pages!

Good morning my dear readers.

I’ve just spent the last hour having a long re-read of this blog!!  I’ve read all the pages I created along the way.  I’ve gone over some of the old posts.

How extraordinarily therapeutic this has been.  Yes I’ve had a weep as I reminded myself of the dark catastrophic place I was in when I started out on this blogging marathon.  The Eureka Moments I’ve had along the way (and why do I think there still might be more to come?) have been wonderful to read.  Even though the 2nd has been so incredibly tough to acknowledge and will need – one day – to be faced and dealt with.

It is true – I have come a long way!

But I still want more.  And the great thing is that having reminded myself of how far I have come I now realise that I can get the rest!!!  After all – all I need to do is double the ‘distance’!

I hope the sun is shining on your day today.  It looks as though, finally, the sun is about to shine here in the UK.

Have a lovely day everyone.  Now I must get going and not waste this day by sitting about doing very little!!

Passion!

That sums me up really.  I get very passionate about things and then very tenacious!

Give me a cause I believe in and I throw myself into it “hook, line and sinker!”  and carry on with amazing enthusiasm. (Which is probably why I find kicking the habit of believing in my marriage so difficult!).

It does have its plus side though!  It’s bringing out a very strong determination in me to get through this.  All I need is a bit more passion for it!!  After all why in hell’s name I can’t have the same passion for my future as I did for my marriage goodness only knows!!

Still dealing with the ‘save the airfield’ project is reminding me that I can get passionate about things – which is a good thing!  I need a bit of reminding from time to time!

So I hope you, my dear reader, also get passionate about things and then throw yourself into them.

Getting Passionate about my future is my challenge!  And having some goals to get passionate about is what I need – because then I’ll commit myself to them.