“Every woman wants to change her man” – this has been said to me on far too many occasions over the last 2+ years – almost as though it was my fault he ran.
Actually I don’t want to change him. I want Him to Want to Change Him.
I want him to find the person he wants to be. I thought I’d married that man years ago. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. I don’t know what drove him to bury the version of him I married, so deep he can no longer connect with that version of him he was in – in relation to me. Because that version of him was a lovely, kind human being.
I have not seen Alex for 4 months now. What version of him he is now ‘running’ I don’t know. All I know is the version of Alex I have been subjected to since January 2009 has not been the person I married. He began the ‘burial’ back in September 2008 when he met the OW. I see that now. Though I thought then it was because he’d turned 50, it wasn’t – maybe it was because he, probably, went into fear state and started to question his feelings, abilities and everything else about himself. And having found himself wanting buried everything he could. Including his feelings for me, our life, our marriage, our future.
So no I don’t want to change him. He has to want to himself. Will he ever do so? The answer remains with him. Only he is in charge of him and how he is and what he does with his life. He knows where and how he can get help to achieve what and who he claims he wants to be. But maybe he doesn’t want it enough. Maybe the pain of where he is isn’t great enough to see that change is the only option. Maybe going through the hurdles to get to the finishing post is too great a challenge.
I hope for his sake, that one day, hopefully soon, he does see that, as I did. It is worth it. So I don’t wish him well for where he is now. As by wishing him well now it’s wishing him a mediocre life – when he could have so much more. He lost a great deal when he left me. So for now I wish him pain as pain is there for a reason – it should be telling us to do something about healing ourselves.
In the meantime my life is my life. I am in charge of me. And I am changing me so I will get the life I want, need and deserve. Which will be better than the one I have right now. Step by step I am getting there! Despite the wobbles and crashes!! Life is getting so much better. I have stupendous friends and am making more.
My stadium campaigner friends are all new and I really like them. They tease me – mercilessly – which is brilliant! I make them laugh – which is fantastic. I am returning to being me!