If I wasn’t me and I hadn’t been through all this angst and horror, I have a shrewd suspicion I would be standing on the side-lines wondering why I am doing all this. Subjecting myself to a good dose of ‘mind digging’ and what some of my friends call ‘navel gazing’. Some have ‘taken me aside’ and expressed their concern with what I’m doing, the cost, the reasons……. etc. In fact it’s stunning how impertinent some of my friends (and this in no way applies to them all I hasten to add) can be as they wade in with their theories, advice and – in some cases – almost demands, that I do things differently.
Interesting! So why am I?
- I am determined to kill the gremlins/demons
- I am determined to shorten the process of getting over all this to as short a time as possible. Yes I could let time take its course (it is anyway) but if by getting help I can come out the other side quicker then why not. I would prefer to be bouncing earlier rather than later!!
- I’ve avoided anti-depressants by doing this – and I can tell you dear reader I was very, very close to resorting to medication. (I was very, very close to finding a way of ending everything altogether). Fortunately I have an incredibly sensible GP who understood how I felt about pills and supported my determination not to mask the problems but to deal with them head-on.
- I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. So easy. When we are who we are we attract certain types of people without realising it. I attract men who want a strong woman. I come across as that – often too much like that. Why? Because I needed to protect myself from the vulnerable person I am underneath – because that person was taken advantage of when I was 15. By learning more about how my sub-conscious works I now know I can trust me to let my vulnerable side show without allowing the adult me be compromised.
- I want a better relationship with myself!
So what have I gained from all this help?
- I’ve learnt why I do the things I do! What effects my past experiences have had on the me that is now.
- I’ve gained in confidence.
- I’m getting back my self-confidence.
- I’m feeling more secure as each day goes by.
- I’m no longer anywhere near as scared by the future (possibly alone) as I used to be.
- I’m finding out what I want from life – the only one I’ve got!
- I want a future where I am truly and honestly loved for who I am, what I am and how I am. I don’t want someone who is ‘using me’ as a prop for their own lives. I want an honest partnership built on honest love – where I can be me – the one who wants to be a great deal more feminine than I often appear to be – the one who can now release that side of me as I feel safe to do so.
- I want adventure by the bucket load
- And I don’t want Alex – as Alex is actually someone who needs a prop – until that prop gets boring and he has to go off and find another. His brother and sister are the same. I’m done with being the constant prop. Yes we all need propping up at times – that’s what a partnership is all about. Well – just occasionally I want to be ‘propped’!
- My gain in confidence has meant I can now (for the first time in my life) speak in public. As in stand up and speak! And that for me has been amazing.
So that’s why I go to Life Coaching and why I shall go on going until I really feel safe, secure and that I’m grabbing every part of the future I want.
(Anyway – It’s so interesting I shall need weaning off it by degrees!!)