What is love? Sequel

Further thoughts on my previous post!  (Thoughts that came to me on my cycle ride on Saturday evening)

So if love is the feeling we give ourselves when we are with the ‘one we love’ what happens when they leave?

What happens to that feeling. Is it that feeling I’m craving? I haven’t experienced it over the last 2+ years. Au contraire – I’ve experienced acute pain, sadness, horror, depression – I could go on – but there is no need to list all the negative words the dictionary holds.

I’ve inflicted physical pain to my body by not eating and losing weight – far too much weight!  (Note:  I have now put 18 lbs back on! – which is good!).  I’ve given myself massive sleep deprivation which hasn’t done my well-being any good at all.

So given all the clear truths about what love is – the logical, analytical  conclusion – the one I reached on Wednesday – is that I don’t love Alex.  I can’t do because the feeling I get when I think of him is not in any shape or form a happy, fun, contented one!

So, taking this a step further, what is it I’m feeling? Am I feeling loss?  Loss of the person I did love and Loss of the Feeling I got when I was with him.

OK so is that it?  Have I spent 2+ years misinterpreting my emotions?  Have I hung on to thinking I was in love when actually I was in ‘loss’.   Or have I got this wrong too?

Comments please!

16 thoughts on “What is love? Sequel

  1. Nope seems you just about got it right.
    You are feeling loss. Loss of the past which you loved and enjoyed. Loss of the feeling of being loved and giving love. But even more, loss of the imaginary future you had hoped for. And that’s what you’re having a hard time letting go of.
    You’ve got some great insight lately. You’re headed in the right direction Caroline. Good luck.

    • I also agree with you as well.

      Thanks to the Life Coaching and Stephen I am getting some insights – which of course are generating some confusion too!!!

      Thanks for your comments – as usual they are spot-on

  2. Well now, this is a biggie and probably too big for a comment box but I’ll try a wee ‘snippet’ ! For me, there are different kinds of love. The feeling you described yesterday might be what I would call the ‘being in love’ feeling that comes possibly from the ego centred part of us, romantic, gorgeous and delectable though it is. Unconditional love, real and true love for me is something that comes from within ourselves, from that place that is not egocentric and where the love we feel is not subject to how someone else is, behaves or in what they say etc. or even in how they ‘make us feel’. When you really experience that love, it never leaves you. Yes I know it sounds simple and we seem to be hardwired to always project this love onto someone else – our partners, our family or whomever but I really believe it is a bit of a lie that we are conditioned into believing from an early age. Told you it would be just a snippet! Just saying!!

      • If that is what it is Caroline then just let it be. You have it and you don’t have to over analyse it. I agree with the others you are feeling grief for the loss of what you ‘thought’ you had. I don’t think you have to ‘rule’ with your head. Just feel the love. Oops, sorry couldn’t resist coming back in here 🙂

  3. What you describe is closer to grief, which obviously stems from loss. It is not pleasant and the love and trust you had for him must have been very significant for the grief you feel to be so powerful. The loss of someone through divorce, rather than through death is very different because death is a tragedy we all understand but divorce makes us question ourselves as well as our ex. You are going through a period of vaste change with a character and courage which I always find inspiring. It is not easy, and nor are the answers but I think you are on the right path

    • I believe I have to ‘rule with my head’ rather than ‘my heart’.
      I also believe dealing with death is totally different. After all at least they went ‘loving you’ and also didn’t want to go. Big difference.

  4. I agree with countingducks, some of the feeling is grief, but also I think that some of it is loss of love, as you said. Losing someone we don’t want to lose and through their choice, not death, is an instant loss of all of those feelings that make you feel comfortable and safe, secure and happy.

    I have been following your blog because I am going through exactly the same thing as you. You are very inspiring and have given me lots to think about. Thank you.

    • Thank you Katie for comments. And all I can say is my heart goes out to you as I wouldn’t wish this on anyone in the world.

      Good luck. We will all get to the end of the tunnel in the end.

  5. “So if love is the feeling we give ourselves when we are with the ‘one we love’ what happens when they leave?” Hopefully, we keep on loving ourselves. The trick is to not waste time dwelling on ‘what’s wrong w me that made him leave?’ That’s pointless. You’re amazing and have depths he simply couldn’t see. Be grateful that he freed you to enter/discover your next chapter unencumbered by his mid-life angst and needs.

    I agree that the loss of love is tangled up w loss. I’ve been through death and divorce and can say for sure that losing the future is one one of the hardest aspects of the end of a relationship. You lost the life that could have been and you’re doing the hard work to redefine yourself. Instead of wrapping so much of your identity in your mate, you’re forced to come back to your self and to love the feeling you give yourself even when alone.

    Sounds like you miss love (who doesn’t?), Caroline. But the end of your marriage, doesn’t necessarily mean the end of love in your life. Sit tight, life is full of surprises. A friend met Carol Channing (Broadway actress) at an LA party the other night. Carol Channing met her husband when she was 68, and at 90, is still clearly, in love. I find that very reassuring. Just when we think things will always be the same, some new delight enters and changes everything.

    • I checked Wikipedia. I got my dates wrong! Carol Channing was 82 when she married her husband. How wonderful!

    • Thank you so, so much for your wonderful thoughtful comment. I am determined that the end of my marriage does not mean the end of love in my life – hence the LC sessions!

      I am really looking forward to finding the new delights in my life which I am sure are just round the corner for me and for you too. For all of us. xx

  6. Lots of good comments here. Not sure I can add anything helpful. In years of AlAnon I learned to avoid analyzing another person and instead to offer what has worked for me. I “think” my position now is to understand that loving myself is not dependent upon someone else’s love for me. I am worthy whether or not I have a significant other to love and support me. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish sometimes that I had a love who also loves me. I do. But my reality is that I don’t and maybe won’t again. Yet I’ll still be worthy. So are you.

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