Getting my Values in Order!

Some considerable time ago Stephen (Life Coach) asked me to write down my 50 top values.  Faced with this rather un-nerving prospect I ended up Googling for a list and copying and pasting it into a spreadsheet.

With time I’ve whittled the list down to 22 – all written out on individual plastic cards so I can sort them into various different orders.  At times it feels like some sort of secret card game where the winner gets them all in the right order all of the time and goes home with the gold star and – possibly – a self-righteous halo!

OK so  I  do have various orders for these cards.

I have my “Default” List  – which has 12 on it.

I have Lists for 3 versions of me (all of whom have a different name) – the Caring me, the Outrageous me, the Feminine me – all of which have some of the Default values plus some others. Goodness knows if this is right or not!  And, whilst we’re on the subject,  what is right when it’s at home.  I suppose if it feels right then it is right.  But if it’s right how come some of the Values I have on the lists of these 3 different versions of me aren’t on the Default List.

(Are you still with me – or have I lost 99% of my readership???!!!)

Don’t go yet!!

Then there’s a 4th version of me.  My real name. The one I use every day, all the time (except here) – and I haven ‘t got a list for her at all yet.  Unless that’s the Default List – but that doesn’t feel right.

Confused?  You should be!!!  I am – a bit!  (This sounds like some sort of ghastly soap where all the characters are lost!!).

And finally I have 4 Values which seem to matter but don’t have a home on any of the Lists above at all!

Doing well aren’t I!  This is what comes of having a Sunday with not much happening!  But there again I don’t feel I’ve wasted the past 2 + hours – it’s been interesting.

Because, finally,  I’ve even recognised that I do value Intimacy in the right context – but just now that is a Value that scares me rigid – but I wish it didn’t.

(Thank goodness I’ve been invited to a friend’s for dinner!)

The Psychology of Winning

I spent a while deciding what to call this post.  Ideas ranged from “Bad habits die hard” to the one I’ve finally decided on.

A great deal has been written on the Psychology of Winning. Books and books!  None of which I have read!! So this perspective is based on zero academic knowledge!

However I do know that people who ‘win’ get there by making their mistakes faster and also “Don’t look back”.  They accept – totally – that the situation they’re in is the situation there in and then work like crazy to move on to the next goal, to improve the situation, to try again, etc.

I do have a fairly competitive streak in me.  Not necessarily to ‘win’ outright but to be successful.  My problem with my current situation is that I keep wanting to be successful at the one thing that I can’t be.

This is where the other subject title of this post comes in.  We all have bad habits.  Be it smoking (not me), biting our nails (not me), swearing (me!), being over nostalgic (me!), over tenacious (me)……  I could go on!  Breaking these destructive habits really is hard.  They refuse to die.  Ever since Alex left, and particularly since I started going to Life Coaching,  I’ve felt as if I’m in a battle with me.  On the one hand there’s the me who knows full well that the situation I’m in is the situation I’m in and the only way I’m going to change it is not to look back but forward. Then my sub-conscious wakes me at 4.00 in the morning and demands answers to masses of questions which are unlikely ever to be answered and even if they were would not actually improve the situation one iota, because the answers wouldn’t be the ones I want to have.

I do better when I’m busy and have things to do to take my mind off all the rubbish which hangs around in my mind just waiting for an opportunity to rush to the fore!  I haven’t been busy this weekend.  But that shouldn’t be a problem.  I should be able to be at peace and happy even when I’m not busy!  So I’ve been reminding myself of my Values, rules and my goals!

I know I’m getting there.  I know I can be loved.  I know I will be OK.  I know I will ‘Win’.   I just wish someone would tell my sub-conscious mind all this so it leaves me alone!!

The Pull of Passion

Is that what it was?

 In my search for answers – the Why’s and the How Could You’s – I’ve so desperately wanted an answer. An answer to the Krakatoa moment when Alex left.

Is it the selfish gene?  That feeling the world ‘owes’ us and so to take is the only answer.  Are men worse than women?  They can’t be because if women stuck to the moral high-ground then the men would find it harder to run.  With no-one to run to with the offer of all that sex and passion the incentive wouldn’t be so great!

Is the ‘pull’ of lust as great for  these “Other Women”,  who feel they have the ‘right’ to grab any man they fancy regardless of the damage they inflict.  Do they really justify their actions with the age old phrase of “I only want you to be happy”  which, in fact, means “I have a right to be happy too and by the way, the way I’ve decided to be happy is to screw your husband so bad luck you”.

Do they actually realise what it’s like to be treated with so little respect. Would they enjoy being on the receiving end of the destruction.  Of course not. They don’t think about that.

To smash a marriage is something which shouldn’t be taken lightly.  It is, so often, these days.  Are we becoming so selfish in our desires for instant gratification that actually our moral compass has swung out of line and we are losing our abilitiy to navigate and so reach our true destinations.  The destination that really does give us the high – that brilliant place we get to by effort, determination, compassion and giving.

Standing out in the crowd

In the past I’ve always rather liked standing out in the crowd!  Being noticed!

Over the last 2+ years all I’ve wanted to do is hide. Not be seen.  Not noticed.  To disappear off the world’s radar.

Having discovered I’d failed so spectacularly at the one thing I thought I’d really succeeded at – marriage  – I  believed the best thing to do was vanish!

Now I’m re-emerging  I appear to have a burning desire to stand out in the crowd again.  To be the one everyone notices and notices in a good way.

I want to be the special one.  The one others gravitate to.  I appear to need a large dose of the limelight for a while.  Now don’t get me wrong I definitely do NOT want to steal anyone else’s share!  Absolutely not.  I just want mine back – plus some!

There seems to be a massive urgency as well.  Almost as though I’ve wasted the last 2 years hiding in my Mine. I know that’s not true.  The process was one I had no alternative but to go through. To experience and yes, sadly, to suffer, and to suffer like I’ve never suffered before.

But now I’m on the mend and part of finding my feet again is to be noticed – or so it seems!

And – in case you’re wondering – I’m not going to paint my legs orange!!!

The Olympics – one year to go!!

Oh good grief I do hope we aren’t going to have a day-by-day count down!!

Apparently we (the British)  are not excited enough about 2012. (According to the news this evening!)

Of course we’re not!   Why should we be.  We’ve got 365 days to “get excited”.

I’m so not excited about any of it.  Will I be nearer the time? Who knows!

In the meantime I’m sure there are a lot more things closer to home in both time and location for me to ‘get excited’ about – which will actually have an effect on My Life and My Future!!!

Mini rant over!!!!!!

Giving back

One of my top values has turned out to be Giving.  This was not something I considered at the beginning of the Life Coaching!  In fact, to be honest has really only surfaced recently.

The campaign I became involved in recently really brought it to the fore.  One of the reasons I felt so passionately about saving our local airfield is that I learned to glide there when I was a teenager and I gained an immense amount from being there. Surrounded, by and  large, by well meaning and caring adults I learned a new skill and also how to take responsibility for me.  OK one particular adult didn’t treat me as I should have been and for that I have paid a fairly heavy price but I can’t tarnish my whole teenage experience by the actions of one ‘bad apple’.

Campaigning and saving the airfield so future teenagers can learn to glide has given me the chance to give something back.  This has been very important to me.

Now I find I’m also giving back in other areas.  I’ve recently encouraged someone to sort out his marriage by going to Relationship Coaching.  I find I want to encourage more people in trouble to seek help.  I know they have to find their own route.  To be ready to take the plunge to give themselves a better future than their current present.  I do know I’d be hopeless at the actual process of Life Coaching as I’m not patient enough but if I can be a facilitator by some means to helping people by directing them towards happier times then that would be a brilliant way to Give.

And giving makes me happy!!!