I think for a large part of the last 2+ years (always that Plus sign which seems oddly important) I’ve doubted whether I can stand on my own two feet. When actually I have been – probably all along. I have done better than I thought I had! I appear to have come through divorce, moving house and death (not mine – clearly! but my Dad’s!) and I’m still here!
A bit battered by events maybe! But my sense of humour is intact and my outlook on life is , on the whole, optimistic!
Over the last 10 days or so I’ve felt in a sort of limbo, a bit out of control and not in charge of my destiny. Having given it considerable thought I finally realised 2 things were causing this:
1 The final stages of my divorce. That final cut-off which will release me from Alex (btw – I made myself write it that way round rather than the other – ‘release Alex from me’! – and sorry more total honesty here – I have to admit it still feels more like the latter – which is a bore!)
2 The need to actually have a place of my own which I can call home and call mine. Not as a tenant paying rent – which I am at the moment.
Now I can’t do anything about (1) – time and the judiciary will decide that.
But I can do something about (2). I don’t have any finances at all at the moment until the house I left and jointly own with my brothers and partly with Alex, is sold. But I have taken steps today to buy the house I am renting!
It feels good to do something positive. To state my interest in this friendly little place. And not such a bizarre idea as the whole property – which my little house is a part of – is up for sale!
And by doing this I feel I am acknowledging my present. I am where I am and I am in the situation I am in. I didn’t choose this but I can’t change that. I can, however, do something about securing my base. And I do feel secure here. I need to put down new roots so I do have somewhere I can call home and come home to.
And from which I can make sorties into the unknown and have new adventures!!