I think for a large part of the last 2+ years (always that Plus sign which seems oddly important) I’ve doubted whether I can stand on my own two feet. When actually I have been – probably all along. I have done better than I thought I had! I appear to have come through divorce, moving house and death (not mine – clearly! but my Dad’s!) and I’m still here!
A bit battered by events maybe! But my sense of humour is intact and my outlook on life is , on the whole, optimistic!
Over the last 10 days or so I’ve felt in a sort of limbo, a bit out of control and not in charge of my destiny. Having given it considerable thought I finally realised 2 things were causing this:
1 The final stages of my divorce. That final cut-off which will release me from Alex (btw – I made myself write it that way round rather than the other – ‘release Alex from me’! – and sorry more total honesty here – I have to admit it still feels more like the latter – which is a bore!)
2 The need to actually have a place of my own which I can call home and call mine. Not as a tenant paying rent – which I am at the moment.
Now I can’t do anything about (1) – time and the judiciary will decide that.
But I can do something about (2). I don’t have any finances at all at the moment until the house I left and jointly own with my brothers and partly with Alex, is sold. But I have taken steps today to buy the house I am renting!
It feels good to do something positive. To state my interest in this friendly little place. And not such a bizarre idea as the whole property – which my little house is a part of – is up for sale!
And by doing this I feel I am acknowledging my present. I am where I am and I am in the situation I am in. I didn’t choose this but I can’t change that. I can, however, do something about securing my base. And I do feel secure here. I need to put down new roots so I do have somewhere I can call home and come home to.
And from which I can make sorties into the unknown and have new adventures!!
I've Survived! and I'm "Flying"!! 
Sounds like you are moving forward beautifully.
I think you’ve opened the door to the future. Now you need to close the other one behind you. That won’t be quick or easy, but I don’t think it will be as difficult as you imagine. Limbo times will continue to invade your space, but they will lessen, and you know you have people to turn to at any time if things get bad. Your place is the perfect and secure bolt-hole, and I think to make it your own will provide the springboard to a new life. Someone with the name beginning with A will come to envy you when he realises that he is trapped and you are free.
I met a crow in Michigan who has a damaged wing and has to be kept in capativity. He can talk, and his aim is similiar to yours, but you can achieve this aim, whereas he can’t. What did he say?
‘I wanna fly, fly.’
I hope I am doing so. The house thing is by no means certain but at least I am taking steps! As to closing the other one behind me – as you say a great deal more difficult!
Thank you for your encouragement and lovely thoughts
This is all very positive and your house looks beautiful. New beginnings are always embroiled in the past, but as always you are doing everything right and I get great pleasure in seeing you rebuild yourself and discover a new you in the process. Made me happy to read this
I love your place–very charming. You are making great strides.
Step-by-step you are moving forward. Great! )
Well fingers crossed. At the moment it looks VERY unlikely to happen but who knows!