Inner Glow

Yesterday was my youngest (and most favourite) niece’s 21st birthday.  Her father (my older brother – with whom I have a somewhat strained relationship) organised an evening riverboat trip party!  And bless him he organised taxis for all the nearest relations to get them to and fro – except me!!  I had to drive myself!!

Don’t you just love your nearest and dearest!!

Anyway in a reckless moment I ‘splashed the cash’ yesterday morning and bought myself a new dress to wear.   I decided early on in the day I was going to enjoy the evening event regardless of anything that might happen.  This is a big difference.  I didn’t set out determined to enjoy myself – I just knew I was going to.  And I did.

Yes the party of 40 or so consisted mainly of ‘damp squibs’.  Apart from a group of about a dozen youngsters or so,  we were all aged between 50 and 75!  But it wasn’t the ages of the gathering that was the problem, it was their outlook!  They all seemed to be giving up.  They had no energy.  They had no verve.  I did find a couple of ‘sparklers’ in amongst them but really only 2.

I was the other sparkler!

I sparkled.  Loads of people commented on how different I looked and how happy.  How much younger I appeared and asked what was it ‘I was on’.  So I told them!  If I explained once the ‘journey’ I’d been on and the Life Coaching I’d had, I explained it half a dozen times to various groups.

I met embarrassment from some (ouch – she’s in ‘therapy’). I met cynicism (I see you’ve been brainwashed).  I met horror.  I met stunned surprise.   I met admiration.  In no way did I feel defensive.  I told them how it was, how it is and what I I’ve done. When challenged for my Goals,  I rolled them out with a grin and a laugh!  My niece repeatedly rushed over and hugged me,  saying over and over how she couldn’t believe the difference in me from just 3 months ago!  It was a great evening!

This morning I went for my early morning walk by the lake.  The feeling of inner achievement and happiness hasn’t gone.  In fact it is welling up inside me.  As the song says “I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes”.  But I also feel it all through me.  Like an inner shining light it is consuming me, bubbling through the core of my being, through my veins.  I feel as if I’m being seduced by the most expert lover on the planet.  I walked tall as I strolled around the lake (difficult given my diminutive height!) – and passers by noticed.  I talked and smiled and grinned and laughed with more strangers this morning than I have ever done.  Everyone – from the dog walkers and bird watchers to the fishermen –  stopped, smiled and greeted me.

I’ve often envied those people I’ve met who seem to shine from within – they have that inner glow which radiates from their eyes.  I see it in my young niece.  I see it in Stephen (life coach).  But it is rare.  I see it in very few people.  This morning – I think – others saw it in me.

Will this feeling stay?  Who knows.  Will I go backwards?  Who knows.  Will I still get bad days?  Again who knows. But:

All I can say is today I went in search of finding dragonflies. I didn’t.  However, today I believe I may have found myself.

Here’s one I took earlier! (well last year!)

10 thoughts on “Inner Glow

  1. Caroline I am so excited for you …. and you know what, when you shine like this and glow you will act like a magnet!!!!
    Love you girlfriend ((( Hugs )–

  2. Congratulations – definitely the place I am working towards. I really cannot understand why people give up so early. I have a friend – my same age and married for approximately the same amount of time – who somewhat shamefacedly confessed that her sexual relationship with her husband has been almost non-existent for the last nine years – less that once a year, and she believed that it would be that way for the rest of her life . She was holding on to the advice of another friend who insisted that sex from your late forties on is really just not that crucial, although the pain she was expressing indicated that she had not yet managed to make peace with the idea that such an important piece of her identity needed to be put away. I just do not believe that – we still have 30 or 40 years left, and I want to have the inner glow, the bounce in my step that you describe – and that comes from embracing all of the things in life we care about – and still caring about life.

    A big part of what happened with my husband, and perhaps with yours, is that fear that their lives were over – that nothing else exciting or fulfilling would ever happen again – and they panicked and attempted to capture excitement outside themselves. For mine – he got drama and guilt and shame and came back. Yours appears to be desperately attempting to convince himself that he made the right choice…unfortunately for him, he took himself when he went. You, on the other hand, even with the down days, have taken the opportunity to embrace life and are moving towards a future that is even better than the one you have mourned losing. Bravo!

  3. Just read Robins excellent reply … you really have embraced all Caroline …. even the pain and now you’re growing and growing ! Suspect your ex is about to go through a horrible time of becoming diminished … he will never convince himself that he did the right thing. I am good friends with a couple where ‘he’ jumped ship to be with his current partner … he only needs a couple of glasses of wine and starts becoming maudlin about his last marriage and wife! The current one just sits there in total humiliation but takes it all as you can see she’s just terrified of losing him … awful situation. We met them 10 years after the event and the pain is still tangible!!!

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