The Surreal nature of Life

That’s what I still have to conquer. And  I’m sure I’m by no means alone in experiencing this. This feeling that what I’m living through just can’t be really happening.  That this – in some way – isn’t real.

Anyone suddenly faced with an unexpected trauma must have the same feelings – that feeling that somehow the earth has shifted on its axis and what was up is now down, what was black is now white.

And although I am undoubtedly a great deal happier than I was this time last year I still can’t believe he did what he did and that he now has a life and is doing things that don’t involve me.  That he is happy  – or happier – without me.

And good grief – given he left 30 months ago anyone with half a brain would have accepted the situation by now!!   And I have!  So clearly I have more than ‘half a brain’!

But – Sorry world it just doesn’t feel like it’s the right one!!!

17 thoughts on “The Surreal nature of Life

  1. I often have the feeling that I’m concussed by real life so I do understand what you mean, or at least think I do. It seems possible that you have spent the last couple of years saying hello to yourself in ways you didn’t realise existed. As always you have shown great courage and determination in doing so. In the long run a more complete you will emerge from the experience and the benefits this may bring might well cause you to look back and say, ” That was the best thing that ever happened to me” hard as that is to imagine now.

    • I agree. In many ways a much better version of ‘me’ is emerging. I just wish I could ‘have it all’!! That he was with me now to share the experience and enjoying the new me!

      Does that make sense??

      Having just pursuaded a good friend to take positive action over his marriage – I just wish someone as determined as I’ve been for him had been there for Alex and me when it mattered and not let either of us take what seemed to be at the time, for him, the only route.

      But wishful thinking never got anyone anywhere – that I do know!!!

  2. I know exactly what you’re saying. Even though I believe that I’m better off without D, I still find myself asking, “What am I doing here? How did I get here? What now?” That’s not to say I’m not happy but there is still a rather surreal feeling about it sometimes.

  3. It’s 24 months for me since my husband moved out furtively while I was at work…and I’ve just gone BACK to counseling. I’m not sure I have half a brain left! I’m on wordpress to find other women in my situation- it helps me cope.

    Take heart,

    Amy

    • I’m glad you’ve visited my blog.

      I hope what I’ve written here – on all the different pages can help.

      I’m having a wobble today for reasons which I’m sure are clear.

      Good luck and keep blogging it out.

      I shall visit yours in a mo!

  4. Hi Caroline,
    I can totally relate. I can’t even count the times I have woken up thinking it was all a bad dream for a minute, until I move and I realize that unfortunately it isn’t a dream. It has felt like I am living in a different world since my injury. Not only has it felt like the entire world changed over the last year, but it seems that my world is different too. I don’t recognize the world in my head right now. Haha, that totally makes me sound schizophrenic. I mean that internal dialogue we all have that tells us good from bad, our likes and dislikes ect. My personal world has changed; it is yet to be determined for better or worse as I am smack dab in the middle of the reformation.
    I am really happy for you that you see you are happier now. With as surreal as the entire experience felt/feels, in your reality you have become happier and have put yourself in a better world. Maybe some of the surreal-ness is coming from being unable to fully believe that your world can be as toxic-free and happy as it is without him? I imagine that when you get married and spend decades with a person you do believe you are supposed to be together and that after so many years your relationship is ‘just the way it is’ and because of that you have reached a plateau in happiness (I don’t think I am talking about fully healthy and mutually supportive, beneficial relationships, rather ones where communication has become stilted and both parties fee injured and insulted by the other…) Umm… I think I mean, when you are married for a long time I think it would be hard to imagine there being a different way, and one that makes you happier than the routine established in marriage. Your husband should make you happy and sometimes I think we take ambivalence for happiness. I think from past entries, your divorce was quite a surprise to you so it is no wonder that you feel like this can’t be happening. Divorce, like injury, is what happens to other people. It doesn’t happen to us, it can’t happen to us. But it does, and it is a life and world changing experience when it does.
    Good for you for recognizing and making me articulate, this!! Haha, here is another one of my loonngg drawn out and sometimes off blog topic replies, hopefully you have a positive reaction to me returning as I plan on writing a few more!!
    I’ve missed your words, wisdom and presence, hopefully I won’t deprive myself of them again any time soon.
    I hope this note finds you well and happy!!
    Thanks for everything Caroline.
    Lots of love,
    xoxo – S.

  5. Dearest S – you have great wisdom too. And what you’ve just written shows it. You are quite right.

    The tragedy in all this – apart from the ‘fall out’ is that he didn’t think I was worth fighting for. I was prepared to work through the issues and get what we had when we were first married. He wasn’t. I deserve to have been ‘fought’ for.

    Thank you for this lovely comment. Bless you.

    C
    xxxx

  6. Caroline.
    After 16 months I still wake up every morning in shock. It is completely surreal. This is NOT how my life is supposed to be. We were supposed to be together for life. My family was ALWAYS going to be whole. My bed is NOT empty on one side. It was just a bad dream. Yet…the waking always proves that this is the new reality.
    What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are still grieving a death and there is a part that is still in denial. Even faced with logic, with reason, with betrayal and the harshest form of reality….this can’t possibly be true.
    I understand. But…your values will get you through this. it sucks. it didn’t happen for a reason…it just happened and you (me, all of us) will eventually make the best of it.
    You are not alone in this. The cheaters have their script and we have ours and it seems to have as a title to many chapters “WTF Happened?!?!?! and how could I have fixed it!!!!!”
    I think some of the Dali-esque nature of all of this may fade for many of us when we realize and truly internalize, that there was NOTHING we could have done. People that make excuses and look to their support system to blame for their own restlessness, will alway find a way to justify this and leave.
    It is their weakness. Their unwillingness to be honest and Their Inability to work through things, Their denial of responsibility and Their abrogation of the vows. Not ours. They are the ones truly living in the fantasy world where life is based on surreality. Not us, although we seem to get caught up in it more because our reality was blindsided by their self indulgence.
    Peace to you
    LFBA

    • I totally agree. And at last I seem to be getting angry – in a good way!! If he wants to behave like a tantrum two year old – or at best a seven year old then so be it. I’m better than that.

      You are quite right there was NOTHING I could have done about it as he is still living in fear state. Why else has he kept all his actions hidden from his friends. They know of course but he won’t admit anything to anyone. He probably is ashamed. Good! So he should be!

      I will be the ‘winner’ in the end. I just get moments when I find dragging myself away from my (our) past rather hard work!

      Peace to you too

  7. That damn past and the “better” memories of it. It drags us back. It makes us want.
    My wife and her partner in duplicity have taken the opposite route. They act as if this is the way it has always been. I guess they think that if they push it hard enough and get at least surface acceptance then it was all ok. X has basically shunned her true friends who advocated that she work on things and instead has moved fully toward her “support” group. Those that told her to spread her wings and she deserved to be happy all the time.
    This goup accepts them. But the people that really cared about X, tolerate this but do not condone nor accept it. in the end, she has lost self respect and the trust and admiration of the people she was once closest to.
    It’s sad for her. And sad for me….and I still have trouble accepting that there was probably nothing I could have done to prevent it. Yet, I still beat myself up over it and feel that I have failed my family.

    • Your comment exactly mirrors my situation!

      There was/is nothing either of us can do as until our ex’s face the true reality and realise they can’t run from themselves, that defending their actions doesn’t work and until the pain gets so great that the only way is to face whatever is the deep rooted issue within them that has made them do what they have – only then when they help themselves will they get real happiness in their lives. It’s just horrific in the fall-out zone!

      My ex suggested I read Wild Love by Gill Edwards as it ‘helped him’ so much. He gave me a copy! I read (most of it). Well this woman justified chucking in her marriage and going off with someone new as “Finding herself and truly experiencing Wild Love”.]

      I rest my case!! And it’s worth reading the reviews on Amazon!!!

  8. One of X’s impetus books was “Eat, Pray, Love”. That, her own insecurities, a brush with death right after our son was born, comparing her life to others (never realizing that they were comparing their lives to ours), and the sickness of a friend….all pushed her toward the “what if I die without ACCOMPLISHING more and DOING more zone. Yet at times she woule speak to people that did these things and they would long for a family and children.
    It is her own restlessness and insecurity and the snake’s manipulative narcissism that fed into this…and the woman that I loved is now unknown to me.
    It is horrific in the fall out zone.

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  11. Pingback: “What am I doing here? How did I get here? What now?” and “The Surreal Nature of Life” | Finding Passion For Life: My Back Surgery Recovery Blog

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