Safely remembering the past

I suppose that’s when I’ll know I really have ‘come through’ and ‘out the other side’ of the horror tunnel!  When I can safely and comfortably look back on those 17 years and remember all the good times, the ups and downs, look at all the fantastic photos we took of those unbelievable holidays, the video we made of our journey through the Central Kalahari Game Reserve on our own,  without feeling I’m throwing myself back into my ‘Chilean Mine’.

I would really love to be able to have that detached feeling about it all. That ‘gosh that was nice, I enjoyed that’ and nothing more. As if I’d been out to a lovely party or had a really good meal.

For a long time I’ve wondered if men are better at this detached view on life, but I’m not sure they are.  Maybe some people just are, be they men or women.  And are they really, or is it a defense mechanism they’ve created for themselves to enable them to cope?

So what is coping?  Is it an ability to close the door on the past and not open it again and just look forward.  I know looking forward is good!   The “The situation I’m in is the situation I’m in – and wishing I wasn’t won’t make one iota of difference to it”  statement is one we all need to acknowledge and then use positively BUT sometimes I wish I could be one of those who appear to be able to look at the past like a pleasant meal and nothing more.  But there again do I?  After all that must be so shallow, so lacking in passion.  Maybe – ultimately – they are the ones who miss out.  Maybe coping is all they’re capable of.  Maybe running life on the flat with no highs is all they want and need from life.

So for me coping is not enough.    Hell I want a bit of passion!

OK I know I’ll get there. I’ll get what I want!  Maybe I’m just impatient!  Maybe I’m closer than I think!

But I would love to be able to feel I could look at the photos, to look back and remember and not feel that horrendous wrench for what we had (it’s OK I haven’t dared look yet!!).

(Sorry for the waffle!  I had no idea where this post would end up when I started! And just in case you’re wondering – I’m not feeling miserable this morning – just a bit analytical! )

5 thoughts on “Safely remembering the past

  1. Very good question of course. As you say, how you view the past depends a lot on your current state of mind. Yours is improving by the week so I don’t think the time when you can look at those old tapes with anything but pleasure is too far away.

  2. One day you will. But settling 17 years into just pleasant memories takes time. It also takes everything else you are doing, but time is what will enable you to look back and remember only the good things. How much time? It depends.

    My first marriage was 35 years ago, It lasted 3 years. It took quite a number of years for me to get to the stage you want to be at. Everyone is different, I hope yours comes sooner rather than later.

  3. I don’t think I will ever look back on my 30-year marriage and think of it as just a nice interlude in my life. I wouldn’t want to. If I would allow it, my pain would still be as gut-wrenching today as it was when I first received D’s announcement almost five years ago. But time marches on and I don’t have that luxury. And so we keep moving one step at a time knowing that it’s what we have to do. I have to accept my reality even though I don’t like it.

    I read somewhere recently that we should never pass up an opportunity to meet new people or to have a new adventure. I am consciously trying to follow that advice. Good luck to us both, huh?

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