The Unbearable Likeness of Being

The moment when I first wake.  Still so often happening around 4.00 – 4.30am which is far too early.  I doze and wait for the alarm to go off at 5.40.  Occasionally I don’t wake until the alarm intrudes my dreams. Bonus days!

That unbearable moment when reality hits and I re-align my thoughts to my current situation.

The Likeness of the day to so many other days long gone.  The memories of those days when Alex was there next to me when I woke.  Did I really take all those days too much for granted?  Yes probably. 

The finality of Being Me!  Yes a new Me.  A much happier me. A much more contented and confident me.  Still me though.  Still same situation!

It all has an unbearable likeness of being the same and yet isn’t.  The days are the same but the situation isn’t – it is still surreal.  It still hurts. 

Somehow the world should be different.  If mine has been turned upside down how come no-one else’s has?! 

This is not a backwards feeling – it’s a daily reality check.  Something I have to work through every morning.  It lasts 10 maybe 20 minutes.  I then set my sights on my day, my future, my values and my goals and launch myself into my new present.

Some days are tougher than others.  It is the way it is. One day I’ll wake and find I don’t have to work myself through the horror.  I know that .  I know –  because my best friend told me so – and I believe her!

12 thoughts on “The Unbearable Likeness of Being

  1. In case it helps–I no longer wake up with my “situation” uppermost in my mind. I still on occasion, though, stop in the middle of what I’m doing and say aloud, “Oh, D, why? Why did you do this to us?” But even that question has become less anguished.

    Hugs to you. You’re doing great!

    • It’s the Why did you do this to us? which is so hard at times isn’t it. At least I can now drag myself out of them with more speed than before! Progress I call it!!

  2. Caroline, I know it may be difficult to identify, especially when a lifestyle and the comfort gain by a sustained marriage comes crashing to the ground, and I can’t attest to the days before the end. But right now you seem a whole different person than when I “met” you when you were lining up your ducks and trying to set out into the world as a single woman. Your confidence is strong, something others have looked to as they begin to face similar challenges on their own.
    You seem much happier now, and although I’m not there when you rise in the morning and fight through your private battle, the times we’ve chatted and giggled points to a woman that has a happy future ahead.
    I call myself fortunate to have stumbled onto such to someone like you. Hang in there AJ

    • I think if the last few months of my marriage had been really bad then I would have found it easier to ‘take on board’ but actually we’d just had a lovely romantic week away and then it all went pear-shaped with incredible speed!

      If you get round to wading through all the missed posts you will find the FB giggles are something I truly cherish.

      Glad you’re back!

  3. You have so many more chapters to your book Caroline … this time is just part of the overall plot …. the best is yet to come and we’ll all be here cheering you on and just loving it !!!

    So, so glad to have met you and you probably have no idea how many people you have helped with your blog … how many smiles you have generated … how many healing tears you have triggered … not everyone is willing to bare all and share this way ….

    The summit is yours for the taking 🙂 ❤

  4. Hi Caroline. Checking in on you and your blog as the weekend begins to unfold itself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. We’re human. We all suffer. It’s just that maybe we’ve been conditioned to not express it or we often don’t know how to or to whom. So many of us suffer deeply from loss and disappointment — to different degrees. I think if we only recognized how much alike we truly are, we wouldn’t feel so alone at times. “Somehow the world should be different. If mine has been turned upside down how come no-one else’s has?! ” Far too many of us have worlds turned upside down. You have just chosen to share it and to express it with all your heart. One day recently I woke up once again in pain and thought, am I the only one who awakes in pain and has to work through it and get on with my day? Out of all the gazillion people in the world? I’m pretty confident you’re not alone. I know that doesn’t fix the hurt and sadness, but you’re not alone. … I love reading about how you are facing life, growing, experiencing more joy and strengthening yourself. It really is lovely. Big hugs, Julie

    • Thank you for your thoughtful comment.

      I know I’m not alone! Even though sometimes it feels like it! I’ve also discovered by being honest and open about what I’m going through that some people who you think are fine are actually struggling too.

      A couple of local friends who I thought had secure marriages and were truly happy are now ‘coming out of the woodwork’ and pouring out their woes!! The great thing is that sharing does help as to share removes some of that ‘cut off’ feeling and can help address the pain.

      Have a lovely weekend.

  5. What you with how you live and express is healing, not only to you, but to others too. You also give strength. Thank you for the reminder to share and we go into the weekend. You 2. and XXX back atcha.

  6. I remember going through that after I separated from my first husband. I don’t remember how long it took for me to get past it. I had a little boy to take care of so there wasn’t a lot of time for reflection. You’ll get there.

    • Thank you. It’s been a tough run but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer and it isn’t an oncoming train!!
      Thank you for visiting and your lovely words.

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