The moment when I first wake. Still so often happening around 4.00 – 4.30am which is far too early. I doze and wait for the alarm to go off at 5.40. Occasionally I don’t wake until the alarm intrudes my dreams. Bonus days!
That unbearable moment when reality hits and I re-align my thoughts to my current situation.
The Likeness of the day to so many other days long gone. The memories of those days when Alex was there next to me when I woke. Did I really take all those days too much for granted? Yes probably.
The finality of Being Me! Yes a new Me. A much happier me. A much more contented and confident me. Still me though. Still same situation!
It all has an unbearable likeness of being the same and yet isn’t. The days are the same but the situation isn’t – it is still surreal. It still hurts.
Somehow the world should be different. If mine has been turned upside down how come no-one else’s has?!
This is not a backwards feeling – it’s a daily reality check. Something I have to work through every morning. It lasts 10 maybe 20 minutes. I then set my sights on my day, my future, my values and my goals and launch myself into my new present.
Some days are tougher than others. It is the way it is. One day I’ll wake and find I don’t have to work myself through the horror. I know that . I know – because my best friend told me so – and I believe her!