I wonder which is the more challenging for the LC to deal with?
The Exploder who needs to deal with their anger, wish for vengence……. or the imploder who needs to want to start living again?
Little did I realise a year ago that I had such a long way to go! Clearly I had much more to unearth than I realised, much more to face, much more to deal with, so much to learn and much, much more to come to terms with.
Amazing to think a year ago I thought I knew all the answers to my problems and my only problem was I just didn’t know how to action them! Wrong!!!
But what is even more stunning is I didn’t know how much I didn’t know!! And for most of this last year I have put up an amazing resistance to learning!! Yesterday as I watched the debate on my blog I suddenly realised I have actually learnt a great deal.
Now I can’t believe I erected such a strong barricade against changing the way I think and understanding me. I smile at how confused I was with Stephen’s coaching – and how he kept telling me confusion was Good! (don’t get me wrong I still get lots of moments of confusion – but now I realise they are good and that I may be about to understand something new and helpful)
But if I could do that – and I wanted to get out of the hole I’d imploded into – how much harder must it be for the likes of Alex who have had their beliefs so entrenched as a life-long, survival mechanism that to change them is almost to redesign themselves. Very Scary. I’m not condoning what he did. But maybe I’m beginning to understand why. And the why doesn’t have a great deal to do with me. Yes I unwittingly played my part. I accept 100% my involvement. But perhaps what happened had to happen. Maybe there really was an inevitability about it. But despite the inevitability of the initial meltdown there didn’t have to be this long-term solution, the path he chose to take (at least I don’t think so). But I can’t do anything about that.
So the version of me I’m now running is the compassionate and caring me. Compassion for Alex but really focused on me and giving myself care and compassion. Don’t get me wrong there is a whole mass of sadness at what we have irretrievably lost but I’m nurturing me into my new future. Why? Because I have no other choice.
Why this version of me. Because for me it seems right. I can’t be vengeful, I can’t be bitter, I can’t spend my life being angry. Because if I do I will be the one who loses. And that’s not what I want.