Imploding or Exploding?

Everyone reacts differently and in different degrees when pitchforked into a new reality they didn’t want and  they didn’t see coming.

I wonder which is the more challenging for the LC to deal with?

The Exploder who needs to deal with their anger, wish for vengence…….  or the imploder who needs to want to start living again?

Little did I realise a year ago that I had such a long way to go!  Clearly I had much more to unearth than I realised, much more to face, much more to deal with, so much to learn and much, much more to come to terms with.

Amazing to think a year ago I thought I knew all the answers to my problems  and my only problem was  I just didn’t know how to action them!  Wrong!!!

But what is even more stunning is I didn’t know how much I didn’t know!!  And for most of this last year I have put up an amazing resistance to learning!!  Yesterday as I watched the debate on my blog  I suddenly realised I have actually learnt a great deal.

Now I can’t believe I erected such a strong barricade against changing the way I think and understanding me.  I smile at how confused I was with Stephen’s coaching – and how he kept telling me confusion was Good! (don’t get me wrong I still get lots of moments of confusion – but now I realise they are good and that I may be about to understand something new and helpful)

But if I could do that – and I wanted to get out of the hole I’d imploded into – how much harder must it be for the likes of Alex who have had their beliefs so entrenched as a life-long, survival mechanism that to change them is almost to redesign themselves. Very Scary.  I’m not condoning what he did.  But maybe I’m beginning to understand why.  And the why doesn’t have a great deal to do with me.  Yes I unwittingly played my part.  I accept 100% my involvement.  But perhaps what happened had to happen.  Maybe there really was an inevitability about it.  But despite the inevitability of the initial meltdown there didn’t have to be this long-term solution,  the path he chose to take (at least I don’t think so). But I can’t do anything about that.

So the version of me I’m now running is the compassionate and caring me.  Compassion for Alex but really focused on me and giving myself care and compassion.  Don’t get me wrong there is a whole mass of sadness at what we have irretrievably lost but I’m nurturing me into my new future.  Why?  Because I have no other choice.

Why this version of me. Because for me it seems right.  I can’t be vengeful, I can’t be bitter, I can’t spend my life being angry.  Because if I do I will be the one who loses.  And that’s not what I want.

11 thoughts on “Imploding or Exploding?

  1. Isn’t it marvelous when you can finally put the vengeance behind you? I was ecstatic when I realized that I wasn’t angry anymore.

      • I’m not ready to let go of the anger. As this is the 2nd round between X and her true love and I was so forgiving and generous the first time, I need my anger to force the love I still have for her out. I can not trust her to tell me the truth anymore, and the anger keeps that present. But…the anger also means I still get to be right! 😉

  2. Confusion is gray. Most people don’t like gray. Internal confusion is even worse…but I will agree wholeheartedly with Stephen on this. It is good in this circumstance because it meant you were open to exploring yourself.

  3. Caroline,

    Very articulate and artfully said.

    In a comment on my blog you said it’s been 30 months since you and Ex separated? For me, it’s been 6 months and I have to be honest and say it worries me to think it might be a looong time before I’m ‘me’ again. I think, in your terms, I’m an ‘imploder’ who wants to find a way back to feeling normal again. I hope this isn’t a Bad Thing and hope I don’t rush into anything…

    Thanks for your thought-provoking post.

    • HI and thank you for your lovely comment. I think the problem ‘imploders’ have is getting themselves motivated again and seeing that a bright new future is possible. It took me a lot of time to believe there was/is! The Life Coaching was my route. Despite my own personal battle with it!!

      You may find ‘the debate’ interesting and helpful. I am hoping that LFBA will return to the discussion when he rises. There is a time zone issue!

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