It’s all good news escaping the pit. The Chilean Mine. It’s all great news when one stops stamping around the entrance to the Mine, peering down the shaft and being able (most of the time) to resist the lure of returning – even though it was quite comfortable down there. It’s great news when you find yourself climbing the hill in front of you and seeing the summit in sight! BUT!! The higher you climb the more opportunity for slipping and sliding back down to the bottom!!
After all if you’re at the bottom there’s no place to go – it may be dark, grim and ghastly but at least it’s the bottom.
Where I am now is looking hopeful! The view seems to be holding quite a few chances of feeling a great deal better. I am feeling a great deal better! But there is the issue of being able to fall! Which there wasn’t before.
And that’s the bit I still find tough!! I may have stopped running the “Why” and “What if” questions. I still have the “How could you?” one!! It creeps up on me and takes me by surprise – well that’s what it feels like!
Is that what growth is about? Overcoming the uncertainties and finding we can be and do more than we ever thought we could? One of my favourite readers – Back on my Own – has written today about finding her feet on dealing with day-to-day stuff. She writes with such clarity and she is an inspiration. She has found she can do these things without help. She has achieved so much.
Some mornings I wake (this one appears to be one) and wonder what I’ve found about me. What new me is there? What have I found about me which I didn’t know 19 years ago before I married? What great amazing difference is there? What am I doing now which I couldn’t before? I know there is something I just don’t know what! I appear to want a label, a statement, a certificate of merit saying:
Caroline is hereby awarded The Certificate Of Life for Achieving………………………… (fill in as appropriate).
It would be embossed and have a ‘gold seal’ at the bottom!! I could hang it on the wall above my PC and glow with a sense of pride when I look at it!!!
The trouble is I don’t know what mine should be for. I can’t grab the one that has been issued to ‘Back on My Own’ as for me that aspect of being on my own wasn’t a problem (dealing with builders, insurers, etc is what I do for a job) and anyway apart from anything else it’s hers! And is justly and rightly awarded to her!! Maybe I’m not due to get mine yet! In which case I’d like to know what I should be aiming for to achieve it!!
Maybe when I do find the answer to mine I won’t wobble so often, I won’t feel as though I could slide back down to the bottom and I’ll be able to kill off that irritating “How could You?” question. Good grief! Does this ever get easy?!!
(And the reason for the cola bottle? – I’ve just noticed the acronym of Certificate Of Life Achievement spells COLA!!)