Clarity and Confusion


I find my Life Coaching sessions more and more fascinating as I learn more and as I am now willing to learn more.  Clearly I feel safe with being me these days and feeling safe has allowed me to explore me.

Yesterday I learnt and explored the 4 core versions of me and how they need to work as  a team to give me a secure base to run my life.  How I can bring the different versions to the fore in different situations to protect me and also allow me to have what I want.  This was great.

I think I finally understood that if I allow the ‘fun, flexible, nothing’s a problem’ version of me to get out of control – especially in a relationship issue – then I can, and do, attract weak men as they see me as the solver and solution to everything.  So the “Nothing’s a problem” side of me is great at work where I’m paid to solve problems, but not so hot in attracting a partner as I want a strong man who will protect and care for the vulnerable ‘lover’ part of me which is the feminine me and also the one who got badly hurt at 15 and needs to feel secure before she can feel safe to allow the intimacy to be at its best.

The Warrior, fighter version of me also became over fierce in an attempt to calm down the “Flexible” me so this also ‘backfired’ as now the ‘lover’ me was totally hidden.  No one could see the vulnerability as the door had been firmly locked on that side of me.  Even at work this gave me a reputation of being over dictatorial – something that’s changed over recent months and which has resulted in everyone who works for me being a lot more relaxed and I think happier!

So all the versions of me need to work as a team to give me what I desire.  The team leader I think had got a bit confused and was trying to listen to all the team members.  I hope I’ve put the team leader back in charge!

And if this has confused the hell out of you, dear reader, then I’m sorry.  But Stephen’s discussion with LFBA does shed light on this in a far clearer way than I can!


So given all the above. How come I said to someone last night “If I’d known all this about me when I was about to marry Alex I wouldn’t have gone ahead – even though I had a wonderful marriage and I’m glad I did marry him and I wouldn’t have missed it all for anything and I still wish with a passion it hadn’t ended”

And how come having reread my Values this morning – the list I totally buy into and I feel is right for me I still have a sneaky desire to want to resurrect my marriage.  A marriage to a man I’ve just said I wouldn’t have married if I’d known what I know now. Who has treated me so badly. And with whom I didn’t always feel safe and secure.    Is it just a hankering for the past?  Why do I have to fight with myself not to contact him (we haven’t spoken since February and had no direct communication since early May)?

And how come when I think about all these core and critical versions that make up all of us and I apply them to Alex and try and work out where he is and which version he has allowed to become over dominant do I fail to come up with an answer and why do I need to come up with an answer anyway?!!!!!

Why do I feel confused?  And why can’t I accept it is the way it is and just look to my new future?

So that’s how I feel this morning!!!  And now it’s 10.30am and I need to get up and stop lounging around in bed with my laptop on my knees confusing myself – and probably you too dear reader!

It’s all very frustrating!

30 thoughts on “Clarity and Confusion

  1. A comment on my own post!
    I’ve just had an exchange of emails with Stephen, who is kindly keeping an eye on me this morning, The upshot of this exchange has helped a great deal.

    The reason for the confusion is the ‘lover’ is afraid. Alex was my safey net the place I felt secure – though not as secure as I truly wanted to be. And yes the lover wants and hopes he’ll change – with a passion.

    The other parts of me aren’t convinced – in fact know that won’t happen – hence the confusion. and the hurt. So I need to listen to my heart and not my head.

  2. Well, the early part of the post is difficult, as I wonder how you put each team member foreward or stop them squabbling with themselves. As always though, I know you will make sense of any confusion and move forward productively. As to lounging in bed at 10.30am. Good for you. Anyway with the laptop on your knees you can always say you were doing a spot of light weight lifting

    • Thank you CD!! I’ve now ticked the exercise done box on The List for today. And I did – finally – get out of bed at 3.30pm and go for a walk!! The fresh air has helped clear the lethargy even if my brain is still sending me missiles of confusion!!

  3. Thank you, Stephen, for keeping an eye on our friend. I’m a little confused but I know you’re not.

    And thank you, ducks, for making me giggle. I would call that weight-lifting comment a stretch.

    Keep going, Caroline. You’re doing great!

    • I can still see the funny side of this.

      And Stephen has continued to keep an eye on me all day – which has been a great help.

      It is very interesting. Just when I think I’ve ‘cracked’ it – a new piece of guidance comes along – which I find fascinating BUT with it I seem to get a whole lot of other stuff!

      Thank you for the support. Hugs

  4. Hummm, sounds more like a multiple personality problem. 🙂 (not you Caroline, but the description)

    I have a real problem accepting that we all have so many people inside of us, all wanting to get out and take control. I am delighted that it all makes sense to you though, I doubt it ever will to me.

    • Stephen explains it far better than I can. If you re-read the long discussion some of it may become clearer.

      It’s taken me some time to understand this but I do now!

      • Hi Katie

        When you consider how you act in different situations, such as a loving you and the you that protects you. Do these versions feel different within you? Of course the answer is yes. These are the start of you understanding the different versions within you.

        If you live in reaction to the world and most people do, these different versions will come out in reaction to what the world presents to you. So you will feel out of control of your feelings and that’s a fearful place to be.

        So your goal will be to gain control fast…

        People who are afraid will choose to control their behaviours using negative behaviours such as anger, depression, sadness, revenge, etc. They become certain they can do this and even use these behaviours to gain significance. This is their way to cope and meet their needs. But the version they create is limiting them, they might feel they are safe, but they live an exisitence and not a life thats free. In effect they create their own prison and in prison of your own making you are not safe.

        The world carries on and time continues, but due to your own reaction to someone or an event you become stuck in your quest to stay safe.

        The question is what if you could control what version you lived in? What would life feel like if you could engage a different version you that was free and safe?

        I have a question for you Katie? Who did you model growing up? Who did you want to be like and why?

  5. Hi Katie

    I wonder if one day you will discover the courage within you to want to understand more, I don’t know when that will be for you?

    I wonder as you look at the path towards your future…

    I wonder what you’ll really feel inside?

    I wonder if you knew more, could you do more, and be more, and could you use the power that you think keeps you safe, to also set you free to live the life you were born to live?

    You see others have reset your true path and have taken control when they have no right,

    I wonder when you will take that power back and put you back on the right path or on a path that’s full of all you desire.

    I wonder when you’ll become curious about what has to happen within you for you to claim your true self and your true future.

    As you can see and feel Katie, your future is full of wonders to explore if you choose…

  6. Thank you Stephen for the comments and thank you Caroline for letting me know they were here.

    To answer your first question, The only person who I can remember admiring was a student French teacher who came to my school when I was around 12 years old. She was intelligent, kind, smartly dressed and wore Biba eye-shadow and clothes. I was in awe of her and perhaps had a bit of a crush. Other than her (I don’t even remember her name now) I can not think of anyone.

    I have no idea when I will become so curious that I will start to believe that there are may sides to my personality, all clamouring for attention. It is too much like ‘The Many Faces Of Eve’ for me to be comfortable with right now.

    What was my true path? Where was it supposed to lead? It lead me in a circle is all, back to the beginning. Right now I am happy enough not having any cares or concerns as such. I should be looking for work, but I don’t want to work anymore. I am unlikely to ever earn what I used to so I have lost the enthusiasm and the get up and go, to, well, get up and search.

    As to what has to happen within me, I think enough has happened over the last three years.

    Probably not the answers you were hoping for, Stephen, but they are the only ones I have right now.

    • Here is what I noticed Katie I sense a lock down that designed to keep you safe. A place where you have designed a you that stopped feeling the pain of the past few years.

      Whilst this keeps you safe this fear of feeling also limits you from connecting to the real you. So in essence you are the one stopping you from growing and getting what you really desire.

      I wonder what the French Teacher would do in your shoes?

      • Yes, I can see that. But as I have no idea what it is that I really desire then I’m not in any rush to change it.

        The French teacher? She would probably say ‘tout ce qui sera, sera’, then wander off in her floaty skirt and embroidered chiffon scarf to have coffee on the left bank and chatter to the artists.

  7. P.S. I notice on re-reading this that there are a lot of ‘right now’s’ I wonder if that means that soon I will think differently. Or perhaps it is a cop out. 🙂

  8. So you don’t want what you have, but it’s better than a future you can’t define or see and your one and only role model says “what will be will be” so that’s no help either.

    So what do you think is holding you back from exploring a better future for you? I expect those that love you want that for you?

  9. Fear. Fear of more change, fear of too many changes that will make me uncomfortable. Lack of confidence. Once I was full of it, now I have none at all. Anti-depressants, they do make things seem better. A feeling that it is better not to kick up the dust again. All of those reasons and maybe a few more.

    For a while I lost it. I didn’t want to be with anyone, anywhere, anytime. That included my family. I left England and lived alone for 3 months just trying to work out what the hell was wrong with me. I found I was just as lonely there as I was in England, so I returned. It has taken me over 12 months to feel comfortable here, for the first 4 months I sat in the house with the door locked and the curtains drawn. Maybe it is fear of losing this feeling of comfort that keeps me in limbo.

    • Caroline would advise me to go and see you. 😀

      She is my role model in a way. Her writings, always from the heart, are a pleasure to read and they always make me think. (Sorry to talk about you on your own blog Caroline).

      • Carry on I don’t mind at all! I’m touched that I’m a role model. And yes you’re right on what I’d advise, because I am seeing, and believing in , a future that I didn’t believe was possible.

    • To believe in myself. That seems to be the key factor. But I don’t, not any more. I make bad decisions, rely on the wrong things and then have to sort out the messes afterwards.

      Laying open my thoughts and feelings to anyone is difficult. I have no close friends to confide in which is a problem. I have to deal with how I feel, what I think, alone and I am not the best self advisor.

      I am sort of happy cocooned in my little world, dealing with things by ignoring them. I sort of look and think, well, I’m 54, not many years left, so why worry.

      • Dammit Stephen you made me think.

        My very first role model was my cousin. She was older than me and I always looked up to her. She rarely had time for me though. Also my father – no idea why other than I knew he really wanted a son and I strove to be like the son he lost before I was born. My mother too was a sort of role model. Beautiful, caring and always elegant. All three disappointed me in one way or another.

        My mother was a hopeless money manager and always turned to me, once I was old enough, to sort things out. My cousin turned into a total snob who I ended up despising for her appalling views. My father, bless him, had a stroke when he was just 48 and turned into an old man who could not be the grandfather I needed him to be to my newly born son.

        I spent all my life sorting out other peoples problems. Now I have just given up. If I cannot sort out my own issues then I don’t have to deal with anyone else’s.

        Now I am going away to sulk! 😛

  10. Thank you again for trusting and believing in you to share such honesty about your family, that is such a wonderful quality Katie. The love and respect you will receive from everyone for taking that step will be massive.

    I wonder what other qualities that Caroline has that would be useful to you?

    • Believe me, Stephen, if I shared that with my family I would not be getting love and respect!

      Other qualities? Forgiveness, but who to forgive? My exes for not being able to keep their d*ck in their pants? (There were 3, not hundreds) 🙂

      Myself? What have I got to forgive myself for? Being stupid enough to give second chances? My parents? My cousin? All of the above?

      I find that part really difficult.

      • Hi Kaite

        When I said everyone I’m sure you knew that meant Caroline’s readers and I know you can forgive yourself for that…

        You feel inside forgiveness is a quality that would be good for you, but you don’t know how to give it because you are so hurt by what’s happened to you.

        Maybe it’s not right for you forgive them right now and that’s OK…

        If you looked you may or may not find ways to forgive yourself which could work. Think now: If whilst you were growing up no one had the skills to be able to show you how to create a successful life, then without a strong role model or mentor how would you know?

        Would you really be so harsh to anyone who has never been shown, or taught how to do something?

        As a little girl growing up all those around you were teaching you by example how to live, but it was not a safe place so you were taught how to cope with fear within you.

        It sounds like no one helped you understand how to do it so you were always safe.

        Maybe they didn’t know either, maybe they were just full of fear just like you are today. Maybe you can’t forgive them, but you can forgive that little girl within you who had to cope with that life, who didn’t know what to do.

        All she did know as a little girl was the only way to keep safe was to escape.

        And that’s what she did… probably inside herself….

        As an adult that whenever you feel that life will not be safe you run that pattern. Escape equals security, that why you left the country and lived locked away in the house for four months,

        The problems is it doesn’t work as an adult, does it?

        The reason it doesn’t work is because it was created by a child not an adult, and through fear you are running that same pattern hoping it will keep you safe, but it’s not and you are now frozen in time scared to move forward or back.

        No movment either forward or back to you feels safe: That’s your illusion today…

        That little girl in you deserves respect for the amazing job she did when life was so hard for her, she also needs love and understanding and she needs to be forgiven because she didn’t know what else to do, did she?

        You can’t blame her, how would she have known? Does she deserve forgiveness???

        I know Katie you can give that little girl within you everything she needs right now because you know she is just afraid, you are feeling her fear, that’s what you feel every day, her fear, she is just a little girl and she needs you to help her and love her.

        This little girl within you feels lost alone and doesn’t know what to do. Help her feel safe again.

        Go to her within you now, be everything to her that she really needed back then, thank her for all the hard work she has done, because Katie she is exhausted aren’t you.

        Take control as an adult and help her to be free…. go to her now…

  11. That made me cry, Stephen.

    If it appears that I had an awful childhood, then my apologies because that was not the case, I had a loving and fun filled childhood.

    I will think about what you have said Stephen. Thank you for giving so much of you time to respond to me and thank you to Caroline for allowing it on her blog.

  12. Hi Katie

    We don’t think your childhood was awful, what we can feel is your pain, your heart is very hurt.

    Give yourself a few days to notice what you notice about where your focus now goes and what you now start to feel…

    Ask yourself questions that take you to where you would like to be and then come back when you have answers that you want to explore.

    To your success

  13. My blog is here for everyone and anyone to explore themselves, help me, comment…..

    Whatever helps us all reach that place we want to be and which give us a future free from fear and the best.

  14. Pingback: Vulnerability is my key to success | I've Survived! And I'm about to "fly"!!

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