Every time I lift the lid on my laptop and fire it into action the first thing it does is connect to my wireless network for a few seconds then abandon the idea and tell me “You are currently not connected to any network”. It then ponders on the various options before deciding whether to give me “Local Access” only- which leaves me cut off from the outside world, “Local and Internet” where everything works, or the dreaded 3rd option – leaving me disconnected (this then requires lots of coxing – which I think it quite likes!)
So it feels with my life really. Ever morning I have to go through the routine of re-connecting with my current life. And, as I described yesterday, choosing my option for the day. Some days I feel happy to connect with the world, on others just dealing with the day around me seems the best option and still occasionally all I want to do is disconnect from everything and hide. Curl up into a ball and wonder why all this happened – (the good old self-destruct option where I find a great deal of comfort in feeling thoroughly miserable!).
What I find irritating is the randomness of it all. I get no warning on which option my brain is going to go for or why! Though I do notice that every time I am being encouraged to take the next step to the future I want – to become the me who is completely the one I want to be, a part of me tries very hard to pull me into retreat mode!!
Good morning everyone! I’m battling with the wish to retreat today!
The “trouble” with Life Coaching – I think – is that a good LC guides but also challenges – presumably to be sure you are totally committed to the changes you say you want to make. That you have ‘bought in’ to the proposal and so will ‘go for it’! Now I totally understand that I have to be committed and ready to go the distance. But it’s unnerving and new and scary! To find a better way of being me and how I connect with the world- to ensure I always get “Local and Internet” option would be great and that my way of connecting with the world always gives me good results would be fantastic.
Now I’m going to share with you some of the personal details of what I’m going through – which is not something I’ve done before! Clearly I’m feeling more confident in many respects!
Yesterday afternoon I queried what I was supposed to ‘do next’ and Stephen emailed me saying:
“Decide if discovering the true female in you and engaging with it is what you really want. Know why you want it and what it will give you moving forward. This is the first step”
And yes this is what I want. I want to stop attracting weak men and attract the type of men who are strong and will appreciate me for who I am and understand my need to feel safe and protected. I’ve emailed him and said so!
But it all feels new and a bit scary!
I’m not due to have another coaching session until the end of September! Now I could just go OK that’s fine when I get to the end of September I’ll find out more, in the meantime I’ll just press the Amber button and carry on with day-to-day living or I could go for the Green Button option.
The thing is I want to press the Green Button but in this instance I’m not sure how. And Stephen has ‘gone quiet’! So is part of hitting the Green Button me finding my own solution. Maybe it is. Maybe I am at the stage where I do have to sort these things out for myself. After all I am the only one who really knows me. So all in all I’m feeling a bit lost this morning!
And I’m still left with the dilemma – I want to ‘hit the Green button’ – but I’m not sure how and I don’t want to waste a whole month pressing Amber!!
(And I had no idea where this post was going to end up when I started writing it so I’m sorry if it wandered and rambled rather – but my mind seems to be doing that this morning! But I did have fun creating the graphics!)