There’s a space between me and the rest of the world. At least that’s how it feels. That gap which separates me from those who appear to have what I’ve lost. I say appear because who am I to say if they have or they haven’t. I don’t know what goes on behind their closed doors.
I have no idea if they sleep side-by-side each night content and happy just to be together or are they separated by their failings to communicate and protect each other. Still in the same bed but left with the isolation of being close and yet not. That feeling that ‘something is missing’ , something which they had but now seems to be a shadow of its former self.
People can be just as lonely together as I’m feeling apart. They can go through their lives not meeting each other’s needs and failing spectacularly to understand each other deeply and yet still remain together and give all the appearances of being happy. Maybe they are happy. That’s not for me to judge.
But there are those who do have true happiness. Passionate and loving marriages. Not perfect ones. Will someone define perfect for me! I know my marriage wasn’t perfect. But Wow it wasn’t bad. At least that’s what I thought at the time. What’s been a bit tough to accept these last few days is if the ‘new me’ I discovered this week, had been around in my marriage would Alex have gone? And of course there is no answer to that! But there again maybe the ‘new me’ couldn’t have happened in my marriage because to be truly me I had to feel safe.
Well I feel safe now!! So…………………..???
And knowing what I now know, understanding what I now understand and believing in what I now believe, I know things can be different for me. My outlook is a great deal ‘sunnier’.
Yes in all honesty it makes me very sad – and mad – that I couldn’t be looking at this with Alex committed, as I am, to doing, understanding and believing in a different way, but together.
But that’s not to be and I do know that. And that’s where the space is.
Now I want to close the space between me and the rest of the world. And by that I mean I’d like to have what I think they’ve got!! Rather than the reality of what some of them have actually got!
And I know that sounds selfish because it appears I want to cherry-pick. But maybe, thanks to Stephen’s guidance and persistence, I now have the tools to be able to do that!! I hope so.
And anyway we’re all entitled to dream!