There’s a space..

There’s a space between me and the rest of the world. At least that’s how it feels.  That gap which separates me from those who appear to have what I’ve lost.  I say appear because who am I to say if they have or they haven’t.  I don’t know what goes on behind their closed doors.

I have no idea if they sleep side-by-side each night content and happy just to be together or are they separated by their failings to communicate and protect each other. Still in the same bed but left with the isolation of being close and yet not. That feeling that ‘something is missing’ , something which they had but now seems to be a shadow of its former self.

People can be just as lonely together as I’m feeling apart.  They can go through their lives not meeting each other’s needs and failing spectacularly to understand each other deeply and yet still remain together and give all the appearances of being happy.  Maybe they are happy. That’s not for me to judge.

But there are those who do have true happiness.  Passionate and loving marriages.  Not perfect ones.  Will someone define perfect for me!  I know my marriage wasn’t perfect. But Wow it wasn’t bad.  At least that’s what I thought at the time.   What’s been a bit tough to accept these last few days is if the ‘new me’ I discovered this week, had been around in my marriage would Alex have gone?  And of course there is no answer to that!  But there again maybe the ‘new me’ couldn’t have happened in my marriage because to be truly me I had to feel safe.

Well I feel safe now!!  So…………………..???

And knowing what I now know, understanding what I now understand and believing in what I now believe, I know things can be different for me. My outlook is a great deal ‘sunnier’.

Yes in all honesty it makes me very sad – and mad – that I couldn’t be looking at this with Alex committed, as I am,  to doing, understanding and believing in a different way, but together.

But that’s not to be and I do know that. And that’s where the space is.

Now I want to close the space between me and the rest of the world.  And by that I mean I’d like to have what I think they’ve got!! Rather than the reality of what some of them have actually got!

And I know that sounds selfish because it appears I want to cherry-pick. But maybe, thanks to Stephen’s guidance and persistence, I now have the tools to be able to do that!!  I hope so.

And anyway we’re all entitled to dream!

28 thoughts on “There’s a space..

  1. Go ahead and cherry pick. Why not? You are well ahead on the road to change, accepting it, becoming who you want to be, feeling secure and settled with yourself.
    Now is the time to go for what you want. You no longer need to ‘settle’ for the mundane.

  2. You are right…you never know. People were always envious of me and X…of the love we had. heck…even I thought we had it and I was on the inside and behind those same closed doors.
    Hindsight and revelation make us wonder. Sometimes we change the past with our new insight. Sometimes what we see with new eyes is true and sometimes it is only what we wished to be.
    You have mentioned before that two people will experience the same event differently.
    Your attitude about the future and moving forward is amazing.
    Your questions of the past are (IMHO)…a reflection of your optimism and loyalty.
    In marriages there must be room for growth, change, reflection. I believe with a deep underlying committment that succesful marriages can thrive as two people grow, even if their interests diverge. Was Alex capable of that? Were you?
    Who Knows.
    I do know that you continue to grow and the questions are a natural part of that.
    I hope you and all of you in there with you…;-)…continue to strive and thrive.
    Thank you for sharing with all of us.
    Peace to you.

  3. Something to think about for everyone. If you know on reflection that what you thought in the past may not have been true. How do you know what to trust within you today. More to the point how will you know if what you are now doing is working for you or against you.

    Unless you know what has to happen within you to trust you, what you feel automatically Will be a guess like it was back then.

    So do you know what has to happen for you to trust you? If you don’t then this is your mission.

    Caroline now knows, and she is now on her journey to claim what she wants, the question is do you?

  4. And just so you know, dear reader, I still seem to be very tearful!! Why that is I have no idea! The fact that I now see and understand that being feminine and showing my vulnerable side should also make me cry so much is a complete mystery!!!

    Perhaps it’s an acknowledgement phase I have to go through! But I am doing a lot of weeping at the moment.

    It is, however, different than before. It isn’t anguished crying. More peaceful than that
    Hard to explain.

    • Great!!! (a touch of sarcasm here, dear reader, in case you missed it!!)

      And yes, Stephen, you are probably right – but I can’t go round weeping over everyone it’s un-nerving for them!! My friends and neighbours will panic!

      So now I’m having to avoid everyone as I keep bursting into tears!

      Fortunately I don’t have anything much planned for today!

      C

    • Yes you’re right. Unfortunately I don’t quite feel up to explaining it all just yet! So easy for them to be just plain confused! As the next question would inevitably be about Alex and I’m not ready to answer that yet – as my post shows.

      And of course 99% of them don’t know about this blog. Where everything is revealed so to speak.

      So for now I appear to be ‘hiding’!

  5. I guess I am standing in the same place of regret as you in a way. As understanding is dawning, I wish I could have shared the insights with T, I wish we could have tried to change together, to move towards each other. It may not have worked, but at least we would have had a chance…
    Anyway, really happy for you that you’re now ready to go for the cherries, you go get ’em!
    🙂

  6. Caroline,

    Have you seen the movie “It’s Complicated”? It’s a comedy with Steve Martin – so I laughed, but the main character is a woman in the same situation who has come out the other side. In a few places it came a little close to home and I cried, but mostly I just wanted to be her, and i keep her in mind whenever I start feeling “less than”.

  7. The space looms large this evening! A tearful end to a tearful day! And I seem to be weeping at absolutely anything!!!

    Sad – yes – very

    Unhappy – no

    Bizarre – Yes!

  8. Maybe you should try looking at things from a different angle. Instead of thinking about what you had, instead of thinking how great it would be to share the ‘new you life’ with Alex. instead of thinking about what you have lost, try thinking: ‘Wow! Look what I had. I don’t have it any more, I can’t have it any more, but I wouldn’t have missed that for the world. It’s partly made me who I am now and I don’t regret a moment of it. From here on, I can go forward and look back on what an amazing time I had’.

    Does this make sense? perhaps I’m not expressing myself well

    • Hi, you’re expressing yourself just fine!! Easier said than done though!!

      As I don’t regret it, we did have an amazing time. Perhaps that’s what does make it so hard!

      It’s been an amazing few days since my last LC session and I think it’s just adjusting to it all. Hence the tears – which Stephen seems to feel are fine. And also the feeling of being sad but not unhappy – which is also somewhat strange!

  9. I agree with Mary. And Caroline, I have a question. I haven’t wanted to muddy the water so I’ve been biting my tongue (well, my typing fingers) for weeks now. It sounds to me like you’re equating vulnerability with femininity. Are you? And if you are, I must tell you, dear friend, that I couldn’t disagree more. Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood.

  10. Caroline, cherry picking is what we do at this time of year, along with the apples, plums, blackberries, and anything else that’s in season! Try and get in the frame of mind where you have no regrets. Cry and be bewildered by it. Laugh with tears rolling down your face. You are doing this maybe on your own, but do it with others. Don’t be alone. You know you are not, even here. Someone is with you, watching over you, and we care. Even now, if you’re sitting alone in your house, you are not alone. I am thinking of you. Others will be too. You are never truly alone. That elusive someone to share with will arrive when you are least expecting him. When you’re not expecting him, and crucially when you won’t recognise him at first. Relax for a while. Put it all to one side. Stop searching. You will get there.

  11. Ha! Interesting! I’m not searching. I’m accepting and acknowledging there is still a space between me and ‘the rest of the world’ though clearly I don’t mean the rest of the world in its entirety! That would be stupid!

    It’s hard to explain and a feeling that has only been with me for a few days.

    Wednesday was the most amazing break-through moment of release and freedom. And VERY hard to explain! You had to have ‘been there’ and probably been through all the Life Coaching I’ve been through to completely understand. In fact I can’t write it down clearly.

    Stephen would be able to explain it all better!

    As to equating vulnerability with femininity – how can I put it. I feel amazingly in control of me in an incredibly feminine way and part of that control is allowing others to see my vulnerability. It’s stunningly powerful! Far far more powerful and peaceful and great than not showing my vulnerability and not being the feminine me!

    It’s taken me ages to ‘get it’ but on Wednesday the penny finally dropped!

  12. I confess I don’t understand, but it doesn’t really matter whether others get it or not as long as you do. i can see that you’ve had a major breakthrough and I am very happy for you. Your progress is all that matters. Your tears are cleansing. Let’em flow.

    xoxo

  13. BTW I think this reaction was inevitable and also healthy. Having finally seen how I can be the true me! Which is someone so much more in control and happy and ‘released’ and the ‘princess’ in me. Feeling wiser than I’ve felt for ages – if ever! Then inevitably I was going to look back and wonder what might have been.

    Everything has a price. My price was a huge “What If” moment. This is natural. But it’s a price I’m happy to pay!!

    xxxx

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